I am writing this as a response to the "How do you really feel?" thread http://www.renewedreflections.com/fo...ally-feel.html This made me really think about things and how I've handled how the world treats me.

I was not heavy as a child, thick, but no real weight problem. My mom was always pushing me to diet.. she wanted me to be "model" thin. I could diet and get to 120 pounds, but I could never stay there... my body wanted to be 145. So I became a closet eater... strike 1.
At 15 I got pregnant and my mother threw me out of the house and I went to live with my boyfriend and his family. My parents were going through a very nasty divorce at the time (War of the Roses... that's not an exaggeration of how things were with Mom and Dad.. and there was physical violence there as well). So when my mom declared me a runaway 3 weeks after giving me the boot and the cops were called in I explained to them how Mom was violent and that if they sent me home and she threw me down the stairs and I lost the baby I would sue the department for everything I could get (I don't know where I found the chutzpah to say that) but the police didn't send me home. Long story short... too late now lol... I had the baby and put her up for adoption... one of the few things I can say I'm proud of from that time. Once I had given up the baby I became severely depressed ... I say that now looking back on it... all I knew then was all my friends were partying and having fun and I didn't while I was pregnant for the baby which made me feel left out and then the school district wouldn't allow me to register for my senior year of high school because my boyfriends father wouldn't sign taking parental responsibilty for me. So food became my comfort... strike 2.
So as I moved out of my boyfriend's house and into my own place I never had a full length mirror anywhere in the house. I was able to fool myself into believing that I wasn't gaining weight... if I didn't see it it couldn't be happening.. strike 3.

As the years progressed I stayed with my boyfriend for nearly 7 years before he found someone else... lol... they met at the housewarming party for one of my first apartments. When I found out how serious they had become I told him I just wanted him to be happy... and I'll never forget him telling me that she did the housework and cooked for him but it wasn't like he loved her... then the knife in my heart... "well if you were thin I would marry you" 13 years later I can still hear his voice in my head . I know now this was as much his issue as it was my weight because I am still the same loving person inside.

Now anyone who has read my other blog entries knows about my online relationship of 3 years and how he went MIA and is now back. Somehow Drayke snuck in past that wall I kept around me... and maybe he's safe because he's so far away, I'm smart enough to realize that may be why I let him close in the first place. But he has seen me on cam and he didn't run off screaming. Now when he disappeared I didn't turn to food to bury my feelings... and I am having friends take pics of me (I still have a hard time looking at them) but I think for the first time in too many years I'm seeing myself as I am. I no longer feel the need to hide what I eat anymore.. so I feel like I have control over the 3 biggest strikes against me. But I don't kid myself into believing that I will never have to battle those demons again.

Now I started thinking about how people have treated me... and how it changed when I was dieting and thinner, cause I yoyo'ed alot over the years. And I think that to a point I used my weight to help keep everyone at arms length... used it to keep anyone from getting too close so they couldn't hurt me like I had been in the past. I'm a people pleaser... always have been and probably always will be. I think I am someone that trusts everyone and always wants to think the best of them even when I shouldn't. And as I said to a friend last night when we were talking about this, I'm going to have to find a new way to hold people at arm's length now. He asked me do I still want to do that? I think for a while I do... at least til I know that they are good for me and not out to use me for what I can do for them... I've had too many people I called friends treat me like that in the past. So will I be an attention seeker... I don't think so, but how will I handle the new attention my weight loss will bring... only time will tell.