mental state
Posted 01-22-2008 at 01:20 PM by Jaime
First time blogger...
Don't know where to begin. I feel like a roller coaster. Somedays I am on top of the world, others, I want to be under a rock. I have so much trouble really believing and accepting love. You know, growing up and life in general, there just never seemed anyone who loved me unconditionally. My parents were wonderful!!! But the walls I have put up, man they seen to destroy everything. Here I have a husband that has loved me from the beginning. But I feel like I have sabotagged everything. never had anyone faithful to me, why would he be? He is energetic and outgoing. Loves to dance, live. I stopped everything the bigger I got. Just becomming more and more ashamed. I see myself just doubting everything. My husband is like why can't you just believe me? I am with you, I am here. But I think how can you really love this gross body, this fat and disgusting lump of a human that can't even keep the house clean, let alone take care of you. I'm down 140 now, but I can't get that way of thinking out of my head. I feel he is going to leave one day so I am just pushing him out now. It's miserable. I'm miserable. Why can't I just believe? I am so insecure.
Don't know where to begin. I feel like a roller coaster. Somedays I am on top of the world, others, I want to be under a rock. I have so much trouble really believing and accepting love. You know, growing up and life in general, there just never seemed anyone who loved me unconditionally. My parents were wonderful!!! But the walls I have put up, man they seen to destroy everything. Here I have a husband that has loved me from the beginning. But I feel like I have sabotagged everything. never had anyone faithful to me, why would he be? He is energetic and outgoing. Loves to dance, live. I stopped everything the bigger I got. Just becomming more and more ashamed. I see myself just doubting everything. My husband is like why can't you just believe me? I am with you, I am here. But I think how can you really love this gross body, this fat and disgusting lump of a human that can't even keep the house clean, let alone take care of you. I'm down 140 now, but I can't get that way of thinking out of my head. I feel he is going to leave one day so I am just pushing him out now. It's miserable. I'm miserable. Why can't I just believe? I am so insecure.
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Comments
 |  Awww((((((HUGS)))))) Truthfully, have you ever considered getting professional help? I think you probably know that the issues you have do not always go away with the weight gone away, rather, some of them will become more clearer with the weight gone. Maybe, now is the time to start working on that to help you regain your footing, and to keep your weight loss a success. Depression and the likes sometimes sneak up on us. So, if you are feeling insecure, it might be time to get some professional help to aid you in learning how to resolve your issues. (((((HUGS))))) |
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| |  Thanks Doc, I was really thinking that while I was writing that yesterday. |
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| |  {{hugs}}  self doubt is the biggest obstacle we have to learn to overcome. Plus in what I was reading you are already preparing for what you're seeing as the 'inevitable'...him leaving. You don't see yourself as having worth so why should he? In your mind that's the logic. I always say that therapy has to be part of this road when we have WLS..it's so important to understand where our thinking is coming from, those negative 'words/voices' where are they coming from? who do they really belong to? Plus it helps us to learn how to change and how to orchestrate change. You are worthy of happiness and love to the fullest.. but it all starts with your insides...YOU have to love YOU before it can go anywhere else hon...when you have that love, acceptance and faith in YOU...it slowly but surely all starts to fall together somehow. |
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| | Thanks so much for the encouragement! It's true, it does have to start for the inside, and it wasn't until after WLS that i cold even admit out loud how much loathing I have for myself. Like I let the fat numb me.... Well good news, i have an appointment on Monday, so we'll see! But your candidnedd has been a serious source of inspiration for me. Thanks BreeChick! |
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