just had a huge fight with my husband.. ok.. i really try and forget this ever happened.. but year ago before we were married he cheated.. with his best friends girl.. so.. im kinda nurotic about him having girls as friends.. i forgive him.. but ive spent my whole life being the black sheep of my family and always being promised love/attention/things and always being disappointed.. I really do want to give him that chance to be a good guy.. and i do to a point trust him..

but since he has been gone.. ive been totally stressed and snippy with being prego and then after he was born i was totally more stressed and depressed and i hated myself for so many reasons for it.. and he cheated on me before cuz i was stressing him out.. and yes.. there is that tiny voice in the back of my head saying.. he did it once.. and you have always been crapped on by the ppl that are supposed to love you unconditionally.. who is to say he is different..

so.. i asked him to take STD test when he got home... i can't help it.. i just dont know why i can't trust him about that.. i dont want to even touch him when he comes home.. IF he comes home now.. we have talked about divorce before.. and before he said he wouldnt do it.. but now.. i think because of that i just tipped the scales.. sigh..

my life is such a mess..