Looking back two years ago now - had you told me I was going to have a little girl coming and that I would be in the best shape I have ever been - I would have not been so sure. I mean - I was 355. I had PCOS. I could barely walk through a store at 28 years old. I had no energy. I had no life.

Now - I am nearing 36 weeks into my pregnancy. I have a social life again. Even this far into pregnancy I am still only 181.8 lbs. (yeah - I have been eating anything I want to - I won't lie) My health has been great. I have had an easy pregnancy and my friends all call me the "cutest pregnant lady they have ever seen". I am all solid belly and have actually had to FIGHT to gain weight through the whole process. It is the only reason I have indulged high calorie foods (knowing full well that I will need to retrain myself once again, and go through "withdrawals"). Without them though, I was dropping weight at a staggering pace. Still can only eat little bits so I had to accomodate for that factor. Talk about an odd feeling!!

I have - unfortunately - become a statistic so far. My husband and I separated mid-July. He does not know how to cope with the sudden attention and is now having to learn how to deal with jealousy issues he did not have before. It does not help that I am extremely outgoing and social. But I am not going to apologize for re-finding the woman I once was before I lost her behind a sea of obesity. I will only apologize to him that he did not get to know her sooner. I'm back. I feel great. And I am about to have a beautiful daughter that I get to teach life to. And she will always be beautiful to me - no matter what! Evelyn Rose - so close to meeting you!

Being on the outs with him for over a year, my heart needed to move on, against the grain and for most too soon in their opinion. But I am not regretting it. I have found someone that has reminded me what fun is, what a good ear can do for the psyche, and just how to be loved for who I am. He is so much younger than me (just turned 23) and he said something that made me stop in my tracks last week. Getting comfy to lay down for the night, I was undressing. He stopped and said the following to me: "I know I am young but what I see in front of me is wow. (attempted whistle) I hope you know that."

I nearly cried. 9 months pregnant, not his, still have all that excess skin, and here is this guy telling me that I am beautiful. Someone who could have someone 10 years younger, without the saggy everything, still out partying and being a kid. It wasn't jsut the words. It was the look, the kiss that followed, and the serene night of just watching a movie being held - nothing more. This is more than I have shared with anyone about all of the feelings I have bottled up. I didn't know where else to put it, but I needed it out. This guy (my mom calls him a boy, but he is more of a man than my ex has proven to be at nearly 10 years older) is willing to take on me and a new baby. He protects me. He laughs with me. He smiles when he feels her move. He plans to be there when I need him most. He holds me when I cry and kisses me on the forehead. He stops when I need him. He puts me first. If he is just a boy still - then he is going to make one hell of a man...

Sorry - I needed this. Many have their opinions about the situation - and I respect all views - but my husband won't grant me the divorce, I am broke and living with my mom and cannot afford the attorney to fight for my freedom, and who knows when he will be ready to agree to the terms of our divorce in order for me to be free. I have found happiness - and happiness that is communicative at that. I am not afraid to be me or say how I feel. The fat me would have never said something made me unhappy or that I didn't like something. That would be rocking the boat. I mean - then he might leave and my insecurities drove bad decisions. Now I am secure in who and what I am. Here I am. Like it or not. I'm not out to lay down for anyone anymore and those who don't like it - there's the door. I am still the sweet me that puts everyone first - but only those who return the same respect. No more getting walked on. No more "taking it". Life is too short and I want to spend every minute happy and loving it. Sure, things will happen beyond my control. I will feel pain. I will be hurt. But it will no longer define who I am. Hope that makes sense to at least one person.

Never forgetting where I come from! Knowing who I am going forward!!

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