Day by day, I am relearning who I was before weight, marriage, and life in general. It is strange to say that I had lost myself along the way somewhere in life. The conscious choices I have made to regain my health have now started to flow over to other areas that I felt were out of control. My marriage (though I am still trying to work this one out) had gone out of my control. My mom yesterday tried to tell me "who am I kidding, I wore the pants" to which I quickly reminded her that she is not behind closed doors. When you have a man give you an untimatum every time you want to do something, it is not you in control. To be told (even on little things like a haircut) that it is that or him is no where near a fair relationship. When I explained some of the things he says behind closed doors, resulting in me crying from the pain of hearing them come out of my mouth, she had a new appreciation for some of the decisions I have been making. She even said she loved me. Now, I know to most that doesn't sound like much. I mean, she is my mom, right? Ha. She hasn't said that to me in at least 22 years. Now, to put that in perspective, I am only 29..... I think she realized she had it all wrong. I would post some of the things he had said, but they are just too personal. I had not told anyone at all about some of them until her yesterday. I had just been coming up with everything else that had bugged me, because those reasons were justifiable enough. Sorry - I know I am rambling now, but I can't stop. It felt good to get it off my chest to someone. For them to hear some of the nasty things no one would ever think my "sweet and innocent" husband could say. He is that quiet guy. The polite one. Yeah, until he has had too much to drink. He tries to use that as his excuse. No - I don't think so. Like I told him before, any one who uses alcohol as a defense for any action is just a liar. You may not have done the action sober, but it was in your head just the same. It is called liquid courage for a reason.

Well, I want to keep rambling but my back is killing me so bad I just want to go and kick back. To be continued...