I realized last night that the front quarter pannel of my gut no longer lays on the bed beside me. It has been there my entire life. I find it so odd the gambet of emotion that realization produced. My hand has rested on that "pillow" while i slept for the last 30 years i can recall. Im missing something. I was always giddy when i imagined being thinner... "and this will happen and ill look like this..and ill be able to do that.." Never once did i imagine the apprehension of becoming someone else. The new pants i got for my birthday... done. Not even a week and they are saggy and baggy and not staying up . I also realized that in MY mind i thought that i would be done at 200 pounds. DONE. As i am sure i have mentioned, i have NEVER weighed under 200 pounds except a breif period in grade 8 when i made it down into the 170s(but i was shorter so still round) then went right back into the 220s coming off the 6 months of optifast. I didnt think i would be as self concious as i am feeling. I went out with my bf and daughter on sunday... i was for the first time in my life...shy. I also realized that i am almost in the smallest size in the "big girl" store. I have never shopped anywhere else..well, other than plus size departments. Im intimidated, yet another NEW feeling.I am enjoying the energy and being able to be a better parent.. i am loving the fact that my 7 year old has learned how to decipher food labels..she helps me. I know i will be around alot longer for her now. For these things i am happy. I am afraid to be seen by some of my closest friends and neighbours knowing they are working hard at losing their weight through traditional measures. Now, im feeling ashamed. I and others have noticed that my mother closes up when questioned about my surgery. Infact she gets teary eyed.She should have had it decades ago and is dying do to her food addiction. Am i causing her more stress than i have over my life? Do I cause the ppl i love that are fighting so hard to feel bad? Am i pms'ing? Im sad.