[Jill]

Sorry this might be a bit long. My son and daughter in law are leaving the air force this July (they have been in ten years) because they don't want to be seperated from their sons (my grandsons) to do on TDY anymore -- which I understand. They have decided to move to upstate New York / Vermont by her family and live there. That was the first hurt I have to get over and I'm struggling with it, but I understand that the wife's / mommy's point of view usually decides these "where to live" questions. Okay, so I'm getting used to the fact that now my grandsons will be living much further away from us and I likely will only get to see them maybe four times a year. I'm also worried because my son doesn't have any marketable jobs skills and they are moving to a very economically slow part of the country. My daughter in law has been promised a job by her mom at her mom's company -- I'm skeptical -- but I have to hope its true. I'm further worried because moving means they have to sell the house they bought when they moved there a year ago. Its a tough real estate market and I co-signed on the mortgage for them to get it and if they don't sell by July when they move -- who knows? My son tells me things that I know aren't true -- trying to hide things from me because he doesn't want to "confront" issues and he spends time spinning these elaborate half truths that just make me feel worse. He says things to me like "I want my sons to grow up in one place with life long friends". (We had to move a lot when he was growing up because of my work) Then when I ask if they're going to make plans to drive from Georgia and stop here to visit with us on their way to New York, he says he doesn't know if they will be able to???

Then today I make plans to go down and visit week after next to leave Friday afternoon and come back Sunday. My husband is going to be out of town the first part of the week, we'll only have Thursday night together and then I'll be gone. The cheapest flight meant I'd have to come back Sunday afternoon, and my son says "so you're only staying one day". Technically, that's right, I'll be there the full day on Saturday and friday night. But the only other return flight wouldn't have got me home until 9:15 p.m. and then back to work on Monday right away?

So am I being an overly sensitive mother / grandmother that has been sidelined by the other family or ?????? I guess I feel hurt and I'm not sure how to handle it. I don't want my son getting angry at me, but I feel like I'm being completely sidelined here?

[kimtindall]

Oh Jill...I am so sorry. I can totally see where you are coming from with this. Maybe you need to sit down and talk with him face to face about everything. You have a lot invested in this move as well and you need to let it be known. I couldnt imagine having to go through this. It was tough enough when Katie moved in with her boyfriend about 10 minutes away!
I also can understand the lifelong friends thing as my dad was navy and we moved every 4 years or so, but I still have all those friends that I will keep with me forever! Dont hold the things in that are most important to you...it will only cause you more pain in the future. I will be thinking about you...big hugs!!!!!

[Queenofthenile]

(((HUGS)))) I am so sorry to hear you're going through such an emotional time. I agree with Kim. You have a lot invested in this move not only monetarily but also emotionally. Did he mention this before or did he just spring it on you? From the way he answered about stopping to see you on his way to upstate NY, it sounds as if there are some issues that he has not addressed with you or maybe something is going on between him and his wife. I would sit down and have a heart to heart chat with your son. That way there will be no hurt feelings on either side.

[qt82699]

sorry to hear you are going thru this..it can be so hard and i know sometimes parents seem to keep alot of what they are feeling to themselves in fear of confrontation or hurting any feelings..but i say talk to him about everything that is bothering you, i think it is better for you to get it off your chest than hold it in, he may not like some of the things that you have to say, but it sounds to me that you have not only yours but their best interest at heart too, i think you can work it out and he will understand ...good luck!!

[beckamarie]

Jill I agree with the ladies on this one, you need to talk to your son. I totaly see where you are coming from. Will was married before me and his ex wife was all about her family, and poor Will's mom got pushed to the side, she refused to let Will join the military because she didnt want to leave her family. When Will and I married it was hard on his mom as she felt I would turn out like the last one, luckily thats not the case and I have done all I can to keep WIll close to his Mom, I think that you need to have a heart to heart with yor son and just tell him how hurt you are and how scared you are for him and his family. You have legitimate concerns that need addressed. Hang in there sweety. Some women just dont get the bond between mother and son is just as important as the bond between mother and daughter.

[MsVickie]

My son is not married so.... I dont know how this would feel. He is however dating a girl in Georgia and I think he will be moving there soon and it kills me.

Maybe the wife thinks she has been doing the career thing with your son for 10 years and now its her turn. As far as your son getting a job places prefer to hire military people now days. If he applys for any govement job he gets top preference. I dont know if you knew that or not. Even the spouse gets what they call 10 points added on if she applys for a goverment job.

To me this is gonna be as hard on him as it is you. Your still his Mom and im sure he would like to live closer to you. Give him time. This all might change. The one thing I wouldnt do is bring up the mortgage to him. Im sure he has already thought about it and knows what could happen. Its hard to watch your kids grow up and make such decisions. Hugs Jill. I know its hard.

[LadyLisa]

I agree you need to figure out how you want to say it but you need to talk to him about this and let him know how you feel. Sometimes just getting it off your chest helps. And my youngest only gets to see her grandparents twice a year and my hubby only gets to see his family then too because they live in Montreal Canada. Its hard but they usually make every minute count when we are there. And a few times a year she calls and talks their ears off. But she is 7 so the phone is not really a big thing to her right now.. But dont go years without talking to them about it because it just gets bitter.

[judy]

Jill I send hugs your way for sure. I had a similar incident with my youngest son and his wife and my husband and I apparently didn't say all the right words to suit the daughter in law and it involved money - she cut off all communication and we have not seen their children for over a year. It has been very painful but also a good lesson about lending money without a contract. I pray this won't happen in your case.
Judy

[DocSanae]

((((((HUGS))))) Keeping up with grown and flown children is not an easy job.
How old is he? You need to talk it out with your son, but you also need to keep in mind that whatever/however you say what needs to be said, he will take to heart only if he is willing to listen to you. I hope he is.
With situations like this, unfortunately, there is almost no way that nobody gets hurt feelings. As well as letting him know how you feel, you should probably let him know how much you are willing to accept. That way, he will have a standard to go by in making the final decision.
Hope it works out for the best for your grandchildren.

[greensgirl19]

I'm sorry that all this is going on. It's so hard to be away from family (I know, I'm moving back home by Oct. after 6 1/2 yrs) and it's gonna be soooo hard for you. Maybe the wife feels she has more opportunities up this way. Because it sounds like right now they don't live close enough to anyone. Your son obviously treasures you and want's to spend more time with you or he wouldn't be upset about you not being able to stay longer. I'm sure you guys will make it work, it's just going to be a hard adjustment. But one thing I noticed from being away: I get more quality time. When I lived in Buffalo, I never just went to my dad's to hang out and had so many other things going on. Now when I go home, I stay with him and get 3 or more full days of them. I do have lots to do during the day, but it's the times at night and early in the morning that I'll never get again when I move back home. So even though it'll be hard, try to make what visits you do get longer and take advantage of all the time you will get.