[jazzine]

I Haven't posted in a few just been lurking around here reading others posts and stuff. My mind is playing tricks on me so I have been kind of in the dumps lately. I don't know if I am overreacting or if I am just an ungrateful person. Maybe the word is not ungrateful but a person who is never satisfied. You see I am down 95lb and this is awesome but I am still fat. I always had low self esteem so I tend to rely so much on my appearance and it depresses me. Then the thoughts of "what if I stop losing weight and stay at 193?" lurks in. I have been going thru so much head hunger I literally feel like I am going nuts talking to myself. I have to talk myself out of eating when I know I am actually not hungry. Well I don't feel hunger yet, I lost the hunger sensation with my surgery, but my goodness this head hunger is driving me insane. I tried drowning it with water but it refuses to drown it grabs on to a life perserver an petals forward!!!
I cannot help but compare myself to my sister who had the surgery over a yr ago. She is soooo thin and went from wearing a size 18 to a 5/6. The thought of "if only I were skinny I would feel true happiness" keeps pounding my brain. I have days I wake up so happy and feel good about myself but then other days, I can't stop the thoughts. My head keep spinning..."Why haven't I lost more lbs, when will I be a normal size, not an Xl, why do I feel fat, OMG I look so fat in the mirror, I want to be skinny, I want to be skinny, when will I be able to wear clothes without wearing a girdle, why doesn't the scale move already!" ....agghh
Don't say it, I know, I know I'm insane!!
Ah, ok I vented...I feel better letting all this out. I tend to keep my emotions and problems bottled in, so it's not easy speaking with just anyone about these feeling & thoughts but I know you guys understand. Sorry for the weirdness of it all. Maybe it's a PMS moment, I'm feeling over emotional. Thanks for listening. ((exhales.....))

[Trulykath]

awe sweetie...I'm so sorry you are struggling, but you are right....KEEP writing about it and get it out....we will cheer you along the way and keep you going....LOOK HOW MUCH YOU HAVE ACCOMPLISHED!!! You are under 200 pounds and you just had surgery in October....you have done great....stick with the plan and let the tool take care of the rest! KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE PRIZE!!!!

[DocSanae]

This journey IS emotional. Your thoughts are perfectly normal. You WILL have a hard time adjusting to your physical changes and looks as you lose weight. You will have a hard time seeing you at the size you really are, and will keep on seeing yourself at the original size in the mirror for some time even after you hit goal.

I once asked CraigT, the host of this site, how long it took him to see himself as he really is, and the time span he gave me was about 6 years. He had surgery in '97, and in '03, he had a photo shoot for his CD jacket, and that was when he was finally sure of how he looked like.

Are you on good terms with your sister? Are you close enough to do a heart to heart talk? If so, talk to her about your emotions now. Ask her how she *sees* herself, does she really feel like the size she is at? I wouldn't be surprised if she actually has the same issues you have--sees herself as a *fat* person, even if she is the size that you would like to be, and still has a hard time wrapping her head around the fact.

One thing you need to remember is that happiness doesn't come from the outside, it can come only from the inside, from yourself. Are you comfortable in your skin? If you are, that is what happiness is. I think it was a couple of newsletters ago that Craig mentioned that it's the little things that are important in being happy. Whenever you feel down in the dumps, go back to that newsletter, and think things over, as it might help you.

(((((((HUGS))))))) Treasure the small daily things, it's those things that build up into a strong fortress. It is difficult to find balance on the plane you are while your body is changing, but I hope you will be able to feel better about yourself daily.

[Jaime]

We all go through ups and downs. It is hard for us to see ourselves as we are - getting the "fat" picture out of our minds. Look at your numbers, BMI, weight, measurements and let those truths sink in - they are facts that can't be disproven! Remember from where you came from, look at where you are now!!!!

try and talk to a counselor if at all possible, I know I have struggled in that area tremendously and having someone to talk to really has helped me.

My thoughts are with you.

[amina6ae]

Doc, You Said It All So... Well!!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe A Therapist Just To Talk To, It Doesn't Necessarily Mean That You Are Insane/crazy/nuts To Have Someone From The Outside To Help You Through Different Times In Your Life..
Since This Journey Is A Rollercoaster Rides, It May Not Be A Bad Idea!!!!

We Are Always Here For You To "release" Those Feelings...

Hope Your Feeling Better Soon...

Lol,

[Queenofthenile]

I hope that you feel better soon. Doc said it best when she said happiness doesn't come from the outside but from the inside. You have to love yourself before others are able to. It is harder said than done but we're here for you!

[jazzine]

Thanks everyone.
Doc, despite the fact we currently live in different states my sister and I are and have always been very close. I asked her how she viewed herself and guess what...She told me that even though she wears a size 5/6 she still sees herself as a fat person. She sent me a pic over the internet and guess what...she looks thin to me!!
I remember when I went to visit her back in Feb she would ask me if she looked fat or to show her a person who's build looked like hers so she can visualize it. So I saw a thin woman who looked about her build and I said to her "your body looks like hers" and she didn't believe me, she said "no way, she is so thin I don't look like that." But she did. So I get what you all are saying about how we preceive ourselves.
I guess it's true, we are our own worst critic.

[Christy0283]

Jazzine, thanks for posting this post. I am having the same feelings. I panic and then it's like I can't stop feeding the head hunger. We are going to make it through this together. I PROMISE!!!

[Chilly]

I just saw this on another site. They were saying you ask for your height and weight and post a pic of yourself and they match a 'body type" up to yours or something so you can see what you look like. I can't access from work, nor do I have a photo here, but it could be interesting. Keep your head up!!! Believe me we ALL go thru these feelings. ((((hugs))))Home | WeightView.com - Seeing is Believing

[SunflowerGirl]

I can so totally relate to your feelings - I lost about 50 lbs doing WW in college and even when I was "thin" I felt the same...it was frustrating as I knew that what I saw wasn't what everyone else saw! I worry about that with having the surgery, too, but I hope we can all help each other through those times.....beauty comes from within....we need to remember that! And if we don't love ourselves then nobody else can love us either. That's a tough one sometimes --as we ARE our own worst critic!

Hang in there!
Kim