[skinnydip]

I've burned out 5 computers and been travelling a lot, but I should be back in the saddle now.

After my experiences the last month, I am now convinced there are least 3 distinct phases: 1, losing weight 2, learning to adjust to and know your new body, discovering who the real you is and 3 learning acceptance and how to live like a normie comfortably.

Keep in mind I just came off of a cruise with my Mom, no hubby no
kids, to the Caribbean. It was the first time I either was not fat,
Gordo's or Zoe's Mom, or Rick's wife. My experience shook me to my
very foundation. I was still, even after 6 years, having some body
dysmorphia. My Sis looks so tiny to me and she asked me to try on
her jeans. I refused, not wanting to be embarrassed, fear of the
zipper! but she insisted. I was floored when the size 10 Levis fit
easily. I am thinking no way in Hell am I her size.

So off I go to the cruise with my brain tumbling. I absolutely don't
know WHAT to think and am paralyzed. For the first time in my life I
was able to be MYSELF with no encumbrances. And I truly liked what
I saw.

I guess because when I was in college I was the only female in the
entire school of engineering, I had some fear of being aggressed
upon. Or like some people, get carried away and become a slut.

But neither happened. My experience with women was just as ground
shaking as those with men. People didn't look past me; they looked
in my eyes and smiled. They started up conversations. All of this
while I am wearing nothing but a bathing suit.

Now I don't know about you, but that blew my mind. So many things I
took as being normal just aren't. By the third day I walked the
track, a woman asked if we wanted to commit to meeting there each
morning and we would have 7 am coffee afterwards. People bought me
drinks, and not to pick me up. Like the Harley guy and his wife.
They just enjoyed my company and we laughed a lot.

Or the guy who set the record for # of RCCL cruises who chose me out
of the entire ship to be his escort to all of the cocktail parties,
Captain's events and even visit the bridge, which is supposed to be
a big no no post 9/11.

Or the kind waiter who was not in the least bit flirtatious, but
leaned in further than I was used to and I pulled back. When you
are fat, things are more impersonal and you have more space.

It wasn't that I was overly sensitive or flattered. I was just
amazed. Is this really how normal people live? I thought my life
was normal before, successful in my career, good looking 6k+ figure
wage earning husband, 2 kids in gifted and talented classes even
though I didn't do a thing, two houses, 2 cars, a dog and a cat. I
thought I was, and I was, truly blessed. My life was perfect. But
I didn't feel perfect inside..

This experience added an entirely new dimension to my way of moving
around this world. It was like going from a 2D movie to putting on
the glasses and going 3D. That's the only way I can describe it.

And I found my power, myself. I kind of was acting like I already
had it, but part of me felt like I was somehow faking it, that it
wasn't the real me, like at the ladies' country club where everyone
is, frankly, extremely well off and dressed. I mean, I'm not snobby
about that stuff, it's the way I grew up. But I withdrew from that
entire world I knew when I got fat.

But I'm not a poser anymore. The doubts are gone and I have morphed
into my true self. I can move comfortably and confidently now and
instead of becoming a big deal, I am stunned to discover that the
entire subject of body and appearance, which had consumed my every
day life for thiry years and sorely effected my self-esteem, became
an absolute non-issue. Poof! Disappeared!


I was afraid to try to reenter the workforce because I've been
absent for 15 years. I am in that peculiar place where I earned way
more than I am worth now. No way my resume could evem make it
through the automatic screener.

But now I know, and I mean KNOW, I can absolutely dig something up
by networking. That's the only way I'll get my foot in the door.

For instance, tomorrow I am going to the AustinScuba Trashfest06.
We have adopted a 2 1/2 mile long river and are going to clean it
up. We have teams of eight, six divers, two shore crew, and we
compete for who can get the most trash.

I know I am going to meet a lot of physically active, health
conscious, vibrant people. I am more likely to meet someone there
who will emply me than if I were to answer ads. Same with Sunday. I
am going to an event which is a running club for expatriates or
repatriates. Most of them have a fair standing in their fields.
Again, this is where I will get my chances.

And do you think at 370, even if I got in the door they would employ
me in sales and marketing? Much less that I would be able to
network through venues like SCUBA and running clubs?

You gotta know the answer to that. No friggin way in hell.

I have a whole new way of looking at things. Amd I don't have to
devour everything with gluttony, either. Six years has taught me
me I can pick and choose and I don't have to have it all, just what
I need.

Something as simple as clothes has become diffficult in an entirely
new way. Used to be I was desperate to find something, anything,
that fit. If it fit, it went home with me regardless if it was even
orange and brown plaid. Now it's not unusual to find sevral things
that not only fit, I really like them and I have to actually choose,
take one and put the rest back.

And let's be frank. The men. I mean. I'm married, so it's a moot
point. Don't have to devour all of them either LOL! But the men who
chatted me up, even though they knew they wren't going to get any,
were so ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS. Some of them young. too. A couple of
years ago I never even bothered to notice them, much less talk to
them because they were out of my league. Now I am absolutely on
equal ground. I don't need someone to flatter me. The everyday act
of holding an intelligent conversation with a good looking, well
versed man and not have to feel self conscious one way or the
other...it was surrealistic.

Two of them are emailing me now even though they know we will never
see each other again and will only be friends. They are purely
platonic, mental relationships, but had I been morbidly obese, they
would never have occurred. I am emailing a couple of women, too.

You see, they don't have to lust after your body. But they have to
see past it. If you want proof. go to jjandpete.com. This Aussie
and I have so much in common, me having been expat for 13 years,
self employed as he is. He knows I'm married; I know he probably
has a girl in every port, one at home and a cyber-harem. He has 3
older sisters, so I know he knows how to be a good friend, one that
will like my husband as well. But admit it, he is so damned good
looking I could spit.

So I don't know what's happened, but it's all coming together. I
know some of you are rolling your eyes. I'm rolling my own, too.
Oh, brother! Nobody warned me.

Took me three years to lose the weight and three years to find
myself. This is something it's going to take time to get used to.
Don't know where it will take me, but after 6 years I'm used to that
feeling. So long as it doesn't take me to being 370, eatin junk
food. drinking a beer watching bad TV, I am way OK with it. No more
fear. I have already been to heel and I know what it looks like.

So, just give me some leeway here OK? I'm going to be bouncing
around for awhile, I imagine. Hey, love me or hate me, have you
ever seen anyone else willing to be this open in how convoluted her
mind is? And almost all of you will go through the phases. In
retrospect, it is so predictible. Something like that inevitable
denial, grief, anger, acceptance cycle we can't avoid simply because
we are human.

Vicki

[Kat]

Great post and great insight. I don't find you convoluted at all. You (all of us) who have never been at or near a normal weight are going thrugh being "born again." Your finding out who you really are. It's like some really cool project.
I have shared all the same past experiences that you have, like going to a store and buying anything that fits, no matter how ugly and "not me" it was just because it was like hitting the jackpot just to be able fit in anything. I am also finding people more communicative now and feel like I'm no longer hiding so much. I'm looking forward to be where you are now.
I found your post most inspiring. Thank you so much.

[DocSanae]

Hey Vicki,
Welcome back from your holiday and cruise, and you sure had a very good time in more ways than one!!
Congratulations on the new-found perspective, and thank you for sharing it with us.
Looking forward to more of your posts, they are always so full of good insight, you're an inspiration to others.

[Becca]

Hey skniydip, i love your new way of thinking, I have been feeling better as to my weight, but i have just lost a small amount. But i do see some of what your are seeing, and going through........And yes people do look at you and judge you by your looks, and that pisses me off..........But that is life...


I'm glad you posted, i'm jellious.........I'm proud of you,,,,,,,,,,,,,I'm glad you are haveing a wonderful time, in your life.........Are you or have you done, the plastics?

I welcome your post........
And thank you.......

[FemmeMode]

Wow....I loved your post!! I was soooo amazed...and excited for all your insight...and excited for the future.
I'm only 6mos. post op...but, wow...I look forward to being at that place....
I'm soooo inspired by you Vickie!!
Oh....and congrats on the size 10 jeans!!