[skinnydip]

I just had the weirdest experience.
A friend of mine all of a sudden became totally enraged with me, accused me of being on drugs and totally cut me off. I've been sick with wondering what I could have possibly done, probably a great contributor as to why I couldn't sleep. I was unable to resolve the problem because I was cut off.
Well after 4 nights it dawned on me that maybe what I thought I said wasn't what he heard. So I reviewed my posts, although they seemed sane to me, I could see how they could be interpreted another way.
So, I finally broke down and called this morning, despite being warned not to reply, which took real guts, and you know what the problem was? He had just installed some anti-spam software about a month ago which searched for key words and held any emails which had those key words from going through. For instance if I used the word free, this email would not have gone through, because free was a key word it used to identify spam.
So, you all know how verbous I am. Some of my emails were getting through, others were not, and he was getting the idea that I was pretty unhinged, which I am but that's besides the point.
Now he has to go back to the software and modify it so it will let my emails through.
You would have thought he would have known better, but the written word carries a lot of power and he was getting drained trying to make sense of what I was saying.
So I got to thinking, why did I blow up at another person I knew like that, saying she was full of it? (and this is no excuse) Well, I went back and read some posts and realized I was doing the very same thing and that I have to modify my own filters. Should, wrong, etc. are all triggers for me.
Then I got to thinking more (you know I haven't slept in my days so my brain took me on a little trip!) About a year ago, my very dear friend all of a sudden got mad at me and accused me of flirting with her son. I totally didn't know where she was coming from and was extremely hurt. I acted the same as always.
But you see, I was always fat before so she could give me a wider latitude, whereas now because I am normal and therefore sexualized, she had unbeknownst to me, changed her own filters about what was appropriate behavior and what wasn't. And I hadn't modified my own either.
I meean when you are fat you can be everybody's friend and nobody thinks twice about it. But when you are thinner and people start to see you as a possibilty and therefore sexualize you, the same behavior makes you a flirt, or worse, a slut.
Boy, oh boy. The journey doesn't end when you reach goal. That's when the real fun begins!
Vicki

[freebird]

Sorry to hear about your troubles skinny.. Glad you're getting things resolved.

I just want to add that i know it's a reality and something i probably will struggle with as i lose weight, but i hate that people don't see big (fat) people as a sexual possibility. Well, obviously some do or i wouldn't be with my Roo, but in general people don't and it really pisses me off. I am still alive, just because i am fat doesn't mean i don't have sexual needs and urges.....Ok i'm rambling...sorry.....

[Pillows]

Okay so I can kinda relate to part of this. My husband and I were talking just last night about the recent dissapearance of one of his friends and wondering if he was all of a sudden nervous around us and took our being together in front of him as a slap in the face now that I would be interpreted as a desirable wife making it sting more that he has no one. Before I could tease and flirt with his friend and no harm done, but now that I have lost weight, it is awkward and he is acting like he is trying to avoid us. I am not sure that this is the case, but it seems like it. It makes me sad to see my hubby lose a friend, but I wouldn't trade my new figure over it. Good luck with everything Vikki.
Janae

[SheliaMae]

I have been thinking about things like this a lot lately. As we change our body shapes, our lives and some interests are changing also. It will be a challenge to continue being friends with everyone that we hung with when we were heavier. Some people will feel threatened as we get more confident, assertive (cuter, sexier-LOL) and they will view us through different eyes. Our hearts will be basically the same and we'll have to remind friends of that. I have thought a lot about my closest friend and our relationship. We used to spend hours looking through cooking magazines, trying recipes, baking for Christmas ect.. Now I am hoping we can find other projects to do together that she will enjoy just as much. (I know she won't go to the gym with me!) I really value our closeness over the years so I am going to make every effort to find ways to stay just as 'connected' even though we won't share clothes sizes, or fattening foods anymore. I have one 'friend' that already told me that she won't like me if I get skinny! I was shocked to the core! "I'm still me!", I told her. I was surprised that I had some friends who liked me just because I was fat! Fat people aren't as threatening to other people's egos?? Has anyone else found experiences like this since loosing weight?

[skinnydip]

Ya...changing relationships can be a real trip and sometimes painful.

My Stepmother had the biggest imaginable his fit. You see, she had always since I was 14 and she married my Dad, used my being fat againstme. More like abused me for years and tore down any self-esteem I tried to develop.

Now she disguised it as concern for me and don't you know it was her duty and she just wished I would lose weight. (Dad bought it, but she and I knew)

So I lose weight. She is supposed to have won and been happy for me, right? I mean she's a concerned and good Stepmother.

She was LIVID!!! Bet you can guess why.

Now SHE was the fattest person in all of the family!

Vicki

[SheliaMae]

BOy do I ever know exactly what you mean!! It's tempting to be snippy and tell her that now you are so concerned for her... Some people make it hard to like them. I don't really know if people like your stepmother realize how they damage our self worth and self confidence. It is one of the hardest things to overcome (except for stress eating and eating out of habit and boredom for me!) When people would tell me to lose weight it made me eat more.

[Miki]

We can't please everyone, sometimes we're damned if we do and damned if we don't. I think following our heart is the most important thing. If we do what is best for our children and ourselves we can't go wrong. I do understand how people see you can determine how you compose yourself, it sucks, but that's life. Just take it in stride and move along. Don't let anyone steal your thunder.You aren't the only one who needs to adjust to the new you. Take care and keep a big smile on that beautiful face.

[MSmom]

I have thought about this often. My very best friend and I are about 4 sizes apart. She is the skinnier one. When I told her I was going to have WLS she kind of shunned the idea. I know that she has the concern of the surgery and all at heart, but sometimes I wonder if she is a little more than concered. She has not tried to talk me out of it, but we have both battled our weight together for like ever, I wonder if she will have resentment toward me after I have the surgery.....something to think about!!

[DocSanae]

It is a pity when a person's self worth depends on the "not so" well being of someone else close to them--like Vicki's stepmother. They don't realize that not only are they damaging the self esteem of the person they are picking on, they are also damaging their own self esteem and not bolstering themselves as they think they are.
If your own self esteem relates to a large extent or only to what others think of you (and this goes both ways, in Vicki's situation, it's both Vicki and the stepmom), you are in very percarious waters. It will rock like the boat in rough waters whenever someone decides to stir up the water.
When you are young, you depend a lot on what others think, so it's the job of the parents and the teachers who nuter the children to help them gain the perspective and self esteem based on the" feeling good about yourself" emotions, and not on how/what others tell your of your worth. If this is your case, then you have to work on yourself to get that "feeling good about yourself because you are doing something that is good for you, never mind what others think/say" emotion. You are worth what YOU decide to be, not what others decide for you.
Believe in yourselves, and you'll find yourself there eventually.

[xsmith95]

I am going through this as well.

I had surgery June 17, 2006. My best friend was somewhat supportive but then found out she was very jealous after I helped her to get her surgery. She had her surgery in May of 2006. Since then she has not spoke with me and word through other friends is she is very jealous of the weight I have lost. I do not understand what there is to be jealous of. She has had the surgery as well. I didn't do this to look good, I did it for my health. Looking good was just a benefit. And as far as her being jealous, she will be as small as I am soon. In fact, she is almost as small as I am now.

What people have to realize is that we are the same people on the inside. Just because the package changes, doesn't mean we have changed.