[Kenyar]

so i wonder if all of this would be considered OT or if my conflicts are all a sign of the turmoil that led me to wls to begin with *sigh*

i just need to let all of this out. i am not necessarily looking for a solution, but just to let it out. i have no one to talk to but kayla lol. sad i know!

1. daughters father had tickets on my car from last year that i knew nothing about. because they went unpaid and he did not appear in court, a stop was placed on my registration. of course i found this out after getting pulled over for a headlight out. where did that land me? IN JAIL. suspended license. car in impound. i dont mind taking the bus, but it sucks. i will correct it all im just pissed i found out the way i did. these are not criminal charges but i will most probably end up with a restricted license for a bit. am i angry? not really. why....i dont know. i'm on this "i dont care" kick lately...

2. my sister actually asked me to take my niece. full on custody. which i dont mind at all. i love her to death and she is EXTREMELY helpful with kayla and around the house etc. but i just feel like it's for the wrong reasons. my sister is letting her kids go wherever they want so she can move to georgia with some guy. WTH?? its not like her at all. the only reason i can see something like this happening is he's got her brainwashed or is abusing her in some way, and has convinced her to get rid of the kids. of course i am concerned but what do i do? i cant get down there until april. and by then she is planning to be moved....?

3. a woman sits next to me on the bus this morning. it was the only free seat of course anyway she starts talking about how she had an assignment and hoped i didnt think she was crazy. (the cool part) she is going for WLS and was asked to pick someone the size she wanted to be. so she asked me questions about what size i was etc. i finally told her i had WLS back in april and so on. we exchanged numbers and email addresses and we will keep in touch. that was the HIGHLIGHT of my day. i am always amazed when people comment about how i look. to me, in some aspects i am still a size 24. some day my brain will catch up. hopefully before i shrivel up and blow away

4. my job. i hate it and everyone that works there. i know i will probably burn in hell for saying this but i wish the place would burn to the ground and engulf a few choice people with it. RUDE of me to say i know but i work with some of the cattiest females you could ever meet. and NOW especially, people find the need to dig deep when they are harassing me. i got a call for interview for a job with similar responsiblities, matched pay, and well has mobility, and it is closer to home. the draw back is starting over. socially i am an idiot. BUT there is something appealing about starting over someplace where people didnt know me "before". am i denying that i use to be a fat chick? i dunno. if i am, is that wrong? is it wrong to want to move past that? ok the other down side is, my benefits thru my current employer are AWESOME. our disability pays out full pay (2 weeks for every year of service), my medical overs tummy tucks for christs sake!!! should i stay or should i go?

this all boils down to the fact that i have always wanted to be around what was comforting, though it makes me miserable, i am a creature of habit and i will stay forever. this is not good. i do it in relationships, i do it with jobs, i do it with shopping; i have bought the exact same pair of jeans in a different size 6 times. THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT!!!!!

what is wrong with me? is it so wrong that i am willing to stay at a job that i hate just because i know exactly how things will be daily, i know who i will see and wat tey will say. i know how much my check is and when i will get it. but i hate it there. on the one hand i am punishing myself, but for what? on the other i am scared to leave. WHY???


ok. i guess my senseless rant is over.

Thank you and good night.

[Kenyar]

wow that was long!

[BOOTS]

WELL KENYA I HAVE TO SAY THAT WAS A HEALTHY THING FOR YOU TO WRITE THIS SO I MUST GIVE YOU CREDIT!!!!

NOW OF COURSE EVERYTHING YOU WROTE MAKES SENSE ABOUT BEING A CREATURE OF COMFORT. BUT YOU DID DO ONE MAJOR CHANGE IN LIFE AND THAT WAS YOUR WLS AND LOOK HOW THAT TURNED OUT! SO PICK SOMTHING OFF YOUR LIST AND CHANGE THAT TOO. BABY STEPS. IN ORDER FOR US TO GROW I THINK CHANGE IS GOOD IM NOT SAYING ITS ALWAYS EASY HUN. WHY DONT YOU GO FOR THE TT WHEN YOUR READY AND THEN LOOK FOR THAT NEW JOB!!! AS FOR YOU DAUGHTER DAD, GOD I GIVE YOU CREDIT BECAUSE I WOULD OF KILLED HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE SITUATION WITH YOUR SISTER IS A TUFF ONE BUT IF YOU DONT TAKE HER WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO HER? NOW THE JEANS SITUATION WELL IF YOU LIKE THEN WHY NOT. I JUST BOUGHT A PAIR OF JEANS AND LOVED THEM SOOOOO MUCH I ALSO BOUGHT THEM IN A SIZE SMALLER (for when im ready for them) BECAUSE I KNOW I WILL NEVER FIND THESE DESIGNER JEANS AGAIN!!! BUT THEN AGAIN HUN YOU SHOULD EXPERIMENT. HEY WAIT A MINUTE I DID NOTICE YOU HAVE BEEN EXPERIMENTING WITH NEW LOOKS OF CLOTHES NOT TO LONG AGO WHEN YOU SHOWED US THOSE PHOTOS, SO YOUR NOT THAT BAD.

BABY STEP, BUT YES CHANGE DOES HELP US GROW, ESP IF WE ARE NOT HAPPY WITH THE SITUATIONS WE ARE IN. YOU TOOK ONE STEP OF CHANGE WITH YOUR WLS SO WHY NOT SOMTHING ELSE I SAY

GOOD LUCK HUN

[BOOTS]

Oh And The Other Change You Have Made Recently Is That You Moved, And Look How That Turned Out. You Are Sooooooooooooooo Happy Now. So Twice You Made Changes And Twice You Were Happy. Ummmmm Hint

[Trulykath]

it will all fall into place EXACTLY how it's supposed to....perhaps you stay at your job till you have the additional surgery, then make a move. This journe is about change....maybe it's time for a job change too....look deep and decide what is necessary and compare it to what makes you happy....!

[Kenyar]

thanks edie

[Kenyar]

i really hope so kath. i feel like everything it out of wack...hopefully it all realigns soon. so i dont lose my sanity UGH! im a little overwhelmed

[Ladyhawk]

some times there is no right or wrong move. We simply need to chose the path we want to take. Easier said than done...LOL. I too have been struggling with a decision to move my job to another office closer to home. I did go through with the interview at the urging of family and friends, now I am waiting on their decision. Part of me wants the change, the other part wants the comfort of being in the familiar surrondings. I have been in the same office for 8 years now. Depending on my mood, I might take it or say no...

So, I would say all you are going through is just life changes. While we would prefer for things to stay the same, they are always changing. I guess that old saying "the more things change the more they staythe same" is true.

Trust you gut feelings. You have a good head on your shoulders and you will make the right decisions.

[DocSanae]

1. Ouch that sucks. You've probably used up all the emotions you can spare in that area so you're indifferent. I think that means you've moved a step away from the old situation, actually.

2.That's hard too. Esp when you think what someone is doing is wrong, but also know that there isn't anything you can actually do to correct the situation because it's her issue, not yours. All we can do is hope she wakes up and ditches the guy. ((((HUGS)))) to you for worrying about her, and for agreeing to taking your niece in. Poor gal there, though, having her mother let her go for what seems to be the wrong reasons.

3. Now, that's a WOW. You've made a big difference in that lady's day and life.

4.That's a hard choice, too. Wanting to run and wanting security. However, just as with your recent move, I'm sure you will move in whatever direction you need to when the time comes.

What it all boils down to is that you are having perfectly normal reactions to various crises in life that has piled up on you all at once. You're doing remarkably well in controling yourself. 'T ain't easy to change the almost instinctive reliance on something that comforts you. That's the hard part. But I'm sure you'll make it through, as writing it down is the first step, and the job half done.

If you ask me, your present emotions are quite normal, the kind of reaction any normal level headed person will have.

Say, where's your viola?

(((((((((HUGS))))))))

[qt82699]

sorry to hear about the things you are going thru. things can be so difficult sometimes, i was telling a friend the other day...maybe i need something for anxiety but then again maybe it is just my life and i need to learn to relax, i dont know? anyhow, i am just like you when it comes to change, why does a person stay with something when they are not happy with it? wish i knew. sounds like my marraige, something i should have left along time ago but sometimes it seems easier to stay than to make the changes, even now that i am feeling so much better about myself. wish i knew the answers, socially, you always say your not good at that sort of thing and from what i know about you i would have to disagree...you have always been very socail here and very kind and welcoming to everyone, i know you have really helped me along the way