[Imlosinit]

I don't know where I'm going with this thread.. just wanted to post something that happened this morning. I feel so let down by my husband. I know he didn't mean to, but I felt like he pulled the rug out from under my feet.

To begin with, my husband is a wonderful man and has rarely denied me anything, although I don't ask for a lot because we don't have money by any means. I quit my job to stay home with our kids 3 1/2 and 2.

Anyway... when I started talking about WLS he said he was very supportive of me and he'd be there for me. He understood my need to go this route and knew it was important to me. So, I have just begun my journey and have my seminar this Wednesday morning. The 9th. So.. as I've continued to gain information on the surgery, WLS diet and how I'll have to eat the rest of my life, I share tidbits with him. Such as... "this is how big a bite of meat I'll be able to take (pencil eraser size), or.. I read in WLS for Dummies book this fact.. or that fact. This morning I got a banana for my son and it was from a bunch of small bananas I had gotten the other day. I told DH, when I have the surgery and make smoothies or eat a banana, this is the size of banana I'll have. They were about 6 inches long. He just looked at me and said.... "Sounds like all you need to do is diet and excercise to get the same results as the surgery. It sounds like you're going through a lot of trouble for something you could do on your own." I felt like he jerked the rug out from under me. I thought I was going to cry. I said I felt it in my heart when he made that statement. I told him that he just showed me how unsupportive he was by that one statement. He said.. "Well, I look at the contestants on The Biggest Loser and wonder why you can't do that too." I told him if he got me a Jillian or a Bob, and got someone to watch the kids for 6 hours a day, I too could work out that hard for 6 hours at a stretch and lose the weight like they did. I told him I'd lost 70 lbs on 2 different occasions by working out HARD 2+ hours a day EVERY day and going on a strict Atkins diet only to gain it back when I let up even a little like working out every other day or going down to 1 hour a day. I said I couldn't keep up the pace then and I certainly can't do it now that I'm married with children. It wears me out just THINKING about how I did it before.. AND I was taking Metabolife before they knew it was bad for you.

I told him he just showed me that he didn't think the surgery was neccessary and that he wasn't as supportive of me as he led me to believe. I told him his support was what was making me go through this with out doubts or regrets... and now.. even if he doesn't go with me to the seminar and isn't supportive, I'm going through with this anyway. Did he think I'd CHOOSE to have my stomach cut to smaller size and have to change my eating so drastically if I thought there was any other way that would be successful? He said no, of course not.

He said he was concerned because I told him that my friend gained 30 lbs back after 5 years. I said better she only gained 30 back (which is average from what I've read) than 130. He said that was true. I said I wanted to get down to 135.. and if I gain 30 back and weigh 165.. that was a helluva lot better than 265. He said true again. That was why I was doing reading.. to gain knowledge of what I could expect and to intercept trouble before I got to it.. like using my "tool" to work on keeping the weight off.

Then he came and kissed me and said he was very supportive and that he DID understand. But now it feels hollow. He's a "normal" size guy 5'10 165 lbs and has never struggled with his weight.. EVER. He's the man who told me he didn't see why people got fat... just don't put the food in your mouth. Although he met me fat and married me fat.

So..... that's my rant. Is his reaction normal?? He didn't tell me NOT to get the surgery.. he'd never do that. But ..... oh well.. I could go on and on....

[waitingintn]

I would have him go to the seminar with you. The information they give is usually pretty amazing. Of the morbidly obese people who do lose weight, only 3-4% keep it off for 5 years. My husband went with me to the seminar. He is overweight and is trying to lose. The information they told him amazed him.

[DeMarie]

Can I say something....
yes his reaction is normal, and I don't think he meant it in an unsupportive way at all - he probably is a little afraid of you having surgery, it's on his mind, and it just came out like that. I'm sure he doesn't not want you to do what ever you want or need, he's a man whose wife is having surgery and he's most likely trying to wrap his head around that. He's a man. A man who probably can't say "I'm afraid" so it came out as "maybe you could..."
Also, and I really hope this doesn't offend you - no matter how sure we are about how much we all want this surgery, right up until (and after a little) we still had doubts, even if they were way deep inside our minds -you may not even realize you have them, but you are human, there is no way you can't have them, so maybe his "maybe you could..." opened a door for you to doubt for a second. This journey really is a roller coaster of emotions.
From everything else you said, he sounds like he's a good man.

[DocSanae]

(((((HUGS))))) I think everyone's spouses go through similar moments at one point or another. He also would be afraid for you that something may go worng. It's quite normal. You have said what you needed to, had a heart to heart talk with him, so give him the chance to learn on his own--not just the bits and pieces that he gets from you-- give him the chance to hear first hand from your surgeon and at the various meetings you will be attending to gain knowledge of what you will be going through, and what you will need to do. He is a responsible adult, and other than the fact of his particular comment, he seems to be willing to learn, so don't you think it's fair enough to let him learn firsthand?
(((((((HUGS))))))) I'm sure he wants the best things for you, so give him the chance.

BTW, I am moving this to Family and Loved Ones.

[traciflud]

I think taking him to the seminar is a great idea, my surgeon requires that you bring your family with you to his. I was glad I did, I had a stinky attitude and what my husband learned there encouraged me and I changed it!

[Spikey1341]

Take him to the seminar with you. My husband went, he was supportive of me but I could tell he was apprehensive. It was funny because when they told us the two surgeons that were doing the procedures one had removed my gall bladder two years earlier and he brightened up and said, "Hey Dr. Phelps". (He told me later that Dr Phelps explained everything about the surgery to him and how I responded).

After we left he said, "That was very infomative, I feel much better about it now."
So yes, take him with you.

[Imlosinit]

Hi Ladies.. thanks for your responses. I've calmed down a bit. LOL I agree with all of you.

Keeley~ I was going to take him with me to the seminar. He was taking time off from work, we had a sitter for the kids and everything. Then today I got the reminder call from the Dr's office. They left it on my voicemail and it said that the seminar was for patients only and any family and friends would have to wait in the waiting room. HUH??? I was looking forward to Hubby hearing all that I've been reading up on. Now he's not able to go with me to this initial meeting.

Denise~ You hit the nail on the head about the doubt aspect. It did, for a split second make me rethink this whole thing. But then I again, for the zillionth time, weighed the pros and cons and the surgery wins hands down.

Doc~ I'm looking forward to hubby hearing first hand about all this. He is responsible and he is a very supportive husband. I was just surprised. I'd almost rather he say he didn't want me to have the surgery because he was afraid for me physically, rather than say he thought I'd do better if I lost it by diet and excercise.

Thanks for all the support and helping me see different points of view.

[amina6ae]

Hubby May Be Just A Bit Scared Is All......

Relax, Keep Gathering Knowledge, And Inform Him Every Step Of The Way!!!!!!!!

Good Luck!!
Lol,

[MsVickie]

The first meeting i had with the surgeon was just for the patients. Then second was for the patient and your support person. I suppose this is a way for the patient to decide after they see and hear everything before they bring in somone else. I will say atleast your husband talked to you about this instead of making a comment and then not discussing it. I hope things settle for you.

[waitingintn]

Well, maybe he can go to your appts with you then. My husband is scared too. He is supportive but still says things sometimes that makes me wonder... Your picture of your kids was really cute. Keep remembering them and your reason for doing the surgery--he will be there in the end. He sounds like is a nice guy with some normal doubts and concerns.