[mkmax]

I First of all thank you to all who gave me advice from "depressed and separated".
I am still confused as to my feeling toward my husband. We have been married for 10 years and most have been happy. However now that I have lost weight and have more confidence I am wondering if I was really "in love" with him or if I married him because I was lonely, low self esteem, and he was the first man to ever really pay attention to me. It was such a good feeling. Over the years I have tried to tell him about his habits that really irritate me but he didn't seem to listen. So I stopped talking to him. I have always held my emotions in. Now that I have more confidence I finally have been able to communicate with him a little more and it is to the point where I don't think I want to be married anymore. I want to see if there is really someone out there that is more suited for me. Again, He has never been abusive to me.
We will go to counseling but I really don't think there is anything there anymore. I probably let it go too long. There is not "magic" or romance in our relationship and I could care a less if we ever have sex. I just don't have the same feelings for him anymore. Can anyone understand where I am coming from and help me understand? So I can help my husband understand.

[ilovemykids]

Marriage isn't all romance and flowers. There are times that everyone who is married has woken up and wondered who this person is we married. You can't change anyone but your self. I think counseling will help you. Love is more than a feeling. Don't buy into what the media portrays as love and marriage. Basically, I don't think you should give up on your marriage. Keep trying. It will be worth it. I know from experience.
I also think your depression needs to be treated. I can't remember if you said you were already on meds for that.
Keep your chin up and don't give up.

[judijo]

I hear ya, but I have no advise. Sorry.

[Trulykath]

I was married for 14 years to the father of my children....slowly, but surely, we fell out of love. We never planned it....it happened. I had not had surgery, so the weight was not really an issue....though he claimed he was disgusted by it in the end...I had been heavy the whole time I was with him.

Life goes on....the funny thing about when you are new in a relationship...you tell yourself you can live with certain things...only to find out much later (in my case 17 years later) that you CANNOT live like that...and no matter how hard you try....chances are it may never work for you!

I wish you the best in your decision...and know, as with anything, that the rough spots eventually pass.....

[mlg78]

I agree with what has been said. WLS or not, people fall in and out of love and very little can be done to control that.

That being said, however... He loved you and accepted you for the person you were. I only wish I could say the same about finding someone before WLS. I hate to say this, but one of the main reasons I had WLS is because men won't give larger women a chance. You were one of the few who were lucky enough to find an accepting man. I'm not trying to play down the issues you two are having...but please do consider this before walking away from the relationship. Does your WLS program have a support group for spouses/partners/significant others of patients? Mine does and the shrink at my program says it's really popular and very much needed. Just a thought...

[DocSanae]

((((((HUGS))))))
First off, don't hurry with the conclusion. You'll need to put a lot of work and time into this, so that you won't regret later.

Something else that a lot of people say.
It takes 5-10 times your energy in separating/divorcing than in getting married, so be prepared to spend a lot of your energy on this.
Also, when you are depressed, when your present marriage/relationship is unsatisfactory to you, don't even think of wondering if there's a better relationship out there for you. Unless you've dealt with your present relationship, you can very well find that you've rushed into something that only seemed better compared to where you are now, but in truth isn't truly satisfactory to you, isnt the best for you.

My $0.02 here. Your mileage may vary.
I've been married for 33 years come October. So.
Realistically speaking, young love, that exciting feeling and elation, that explosive spark, won't carry through all the long years of marriage, if you are going be married over a long time. That doesn't mean that love has died out. It changes over time, and the changes aren't always bad. The first explosive sparks of excitement will settle down, but as it settles down, a new feeling of quiet satisfaction, that warm glow will grow bigger, and the thought that two people who were strangers came together and build something new and good, and can go on building together becomes the new *torch*. Somewhere along the line, our perspectives change, and the point is going to be, do you feel that your relationship should always have that explosive spark, or is the warm glow and the ability to build together as satisfactory as the sparks that come and go. Of course, all this actually takes a lot of work, it won't come to be without making the efforts.

Of course, some physical habits and traits get harder to bear, the longer you live together. I have plenty against my DH, but heck, I think I've learned to leave it be, I have enough on my hands that I don't have the time nor the energy to hen-peck him about it, especially the older I get. I think marriage is also spelled PATIENCE.

Off my soap box.
(((((HUGS)))))

[Spikey1341]

That was beautiful Doc. And so true. I have been married for 26 years and it is not the same as when we were first married. It is more dependable and comfortable. One thing that DH and I always had and still do, we are friends too. Maybe that should be friends first. I don't know, but I know I tell him everything and he does the same with me. My mom used to hide things from my dad and that is one thing I have never done. When you are truly friends first and lovers second, you can weather any storm.

[Perfesser]

Amen to Doc and Jeanne!! Married 34 years here. You have to work at it like you did when you were first trying to catch him or her. Momentum will only carry you so far into marriage, then you have to hitch up and pull together. Romantic love is great, but when you add to that the "warm glow" and "comfortable" love, you've got something special going on.

When you add to an existing, coasting relationship the stresses of one person changing drastically, perhaps growing more independent or growing in self-esteem, it shifts the dynamic. It'll take work to recalibrate to the new reality. From both parties. Good luck as you navigate this rocky passage. Things can never be as they were, but they can be better if you both will it so.

CT

[qt82699]

very nicely put doc!!

[greensgirl19]

Your post could have been writtten by me about my first marriage. I eventually regretted leaving for a bit because I missed the companionship, but now 8 years later I'm relieved. My husband then was perfect for me on paper and my current husband is the exact opposite. Including my ex being there 24/7 and my current not even home. But personality wise, attraction/chemistry wise, communication wise, it's 100% better. Even with my heartbreak today of finding out I don't get to go spend 2 days with him - I still pick him over my ex.
I'm not saying you should definitely leave, I'm just telling you my story...(((((hugs)))))