[sburtonh]

she states she wont go. I was thinking about going myself.

[SarJen01]

Scott - This is also a very rough time of the year. Stress levels are high. If she won't go to counseling I would definitely recommend going yourself. Did she say why? Is she afraid that you're just losing weight so that you can leave her?

[not quite Barbie]

Scott,
Please try to stick it out for awhile. I know how miserable it is for everyone when there's constant fighting going on, but I believe if you can jsut wait it out, you will see things get better ont he other side.

My DH and I went through a rough spot around 7 months post op. I think a lot of it was due to his feeling that I wouldn't be attracted to him any more because I had lost weight and he hadn't. Our spouses have a lot of emotional hurdles to go through also and we tend to get so wrapped up in what's happening to us that we don't see what they are going through - their self doubts and feeling left out, left behind.

As Sarah pointed out, this is a very stressful time of the year. It's not the time to make a decision that will change your whole life. Work on being patient with your wife. Assure her that you love her and that none of this would be worth it without having your family to share it with. Be very patient! She's put up with a lot for you during this journey, you need to try to give some back.

Good luck.

[sue4491]

Originally Posted by brown eyed girl

I also learned in my support group that at least half your relationships (friends, marriage, boyfriend/girlfriend) end because of weight loss. You really learn who cares about you and who doesnt in this process.

Thanks for sharing this. I have been experiencing this myself and it has really confused me. I am the same person. Why should it matter if I've lost (or gained) weight? Did your support group person say why this is that losing weight causes lost relationships?

[sue4491]

Originally Posted by jazzine

So I wonder if it is my fault for going out with my friends too much. Did I push him to cheat because of my going out? Did I do it on purpose to seek revenge because I never fully forgave his infidilities? I did like the attention I was getting from other guys...I don't know I'm so confused we were together total 5 yrs and married 2 we have no kids. Should I just consider it his loss and move on? I am not depressed just feeling like it's all my fault. I just continue to work my two jobs and go out with my friends on the weekends so I have no time to gloat about it. Sorry it was so long just havent talked about this issue to no one so I'm sort of venting.

No way is it "your fault". That is very typical that the person who does wrong tends to blame the victim (the person they wronged) for "making them do it"! Whatever you do, you need to see through that line!

As for hanging on with him, depends how you feel about him and how HE feels about you. I think if you decide to hang with him, you two need to sit down and come to a realization about the "requirements" or "dealbreakers" with you both. If it's a dealbreaker for him to be monogamous and it's a dealbreaker for you for him to NOT be monogamous, then sadly although you can remain friends if you love each other, a marriage probably won't work.

There is something called "an open marriage" which means that both spouses can have 'other lovers' but sounds like whereas HE feels he wants to NOT be monogamous, he wants YOU to be monogamous and he assumes if you innocently go out with your friends you are cheating. That sounds kind of one sided to me.

This all can be a sad situation especially if one or the other is in love with the other. Whatever, don't play the "blame game" but perhaps seek marriage counseling if you want to make things work or if you are ready to move on, do it without looking back.

Sending a hug...

[sburtonh]

Thanks for the support. Today when I was packing lunch before work I grabbed two apples one for lunch and one for a snack. She started raising her voice and telling me how can I take two apples, I can't eat that much so I put one back and grabbed a banana and she didn't say anything about that. It seems like she wants to fight over everything even in front of the kids which I will not get into.

[butterfly73]

Sburtonh,
I can relate to what you are saying. My husband has seem to have had a chip on his shoulder ever since I started losing weight. Right after surgery he was fine, very helpfull and kind like he had always been. I don't think he expected the results that I have had, then again neither did I. Now he sems to have an attitude towards me all the time, almost a bitterness. I know he has struggled with his weight and he hasn't been able to lose weight and doesn't qualify for surgery. Part of me thinks he is jealous of my weightloss, the other is that he doesn't know how to handle the changes in my appearance. I get alot more attention now then I ever did. I'm not sure if your wife is insecure , worried you might leave? Does she have a weight issue? I know I have been trying to figure this all out myself and I am having a hard time with it. We fight all the time and I see it taking a toll on my kids and my marriage.

[mrsvanessa]

I read a lot of the replies and would have to agree with most of them. I too did not and do not have the support from my husband with the surgery, HOWEVER, he did support me. Thank God he was there to watch over me in the hospital and at home, I had a difficult time for a few months.

Now that I've lost 124 pounds and weigh 120, I feel great and hubby is noticing that my attitude has changed. He says "I'm half the size but twice the attitude." Maybe so, but it is because I am more confidant in myself and my abilities, and I am tired of taking crap off of people, especially him.

I think the posts say it all. He is insecure with himself which made me insecure, but baby let me tell you, I'm NOT ANY MORE. I think my husband has a hard time accepting this at times, especially when we get in deep discussions, knowing I'm not backing down like I use too.

I love my husband very much; we will be celebrating 23 years in Feb. 09, and we have had our fair amount of arguments and disagreements, but know I stand up for myself and give my honest opinion, instead of what I think he either wants to hear or what I should say.

He loves that I am thin, just doesn’t agree how I got there… Now he is trying to lose some weight, he is probably 40 pounds overweight and it just now talking about losing some…

PS, he sure didn’t mind me at his side at his Christmas dinner with my form fitting little black dress… You would think he was on a date or something…. It was a precious moment.

Best of luck to you and wish you the outcome you are seeking.

[clancythecamper]

I think marriage is a handful regardless of weight issues; and, frankly, isn't there always something going on to make life challenging? If counseling will help you learn effective ways to communicate and work with your mate, then by all means go. I like Barbie's words of wisdom - kind of a "this too shall pass" mindset.

A few years ago, DH and I went thru "some stuff" doesnt matter what - we all have our stuff - and I learned some coping skills that still serve me well, in this relationship and others. I also learned to stand up for myself, a little at a time, and we have a very different relationship than, say, 5 years ago. Even when you're going thru bad times, remember, it can get better. Also, for the record, I credit God for my marriage of 22 years - it's all grace. Wishing you well~~~

[Trulykath]

THANK GOD..me and DDH are solid...always have been, always will be....

I feel everyone's pain...my first marriage was a train wreck waiting to happen....when we split up, he told me I was disgusting to him and he was no longer attracted to me...

On a side note, Scott....I'm sending you a PM...