[ladeedah]

Question for the guys: Please share a bit o' brotherly insight. I am struggling with this issue with my hubby. What's the "average guys" beliefs about what the size of their women means to them? Is it at it's most basic an ego deal or something deeper? All sincere responses appreciated.

[kitcatcopycat]

I know I am not a guy .. but I figured I would note how my DH feels. Hmm .. well my hubby likes me with a bit more weight. I married him at 250 lbs and he was all over me, 'more of you to love' theory. In fact when I decided to have the surgery my Dh said, 'why would yu want to change what I love'? It sounded so strange for me to hear that. I have never really thought that much of myself. Of course my brain has not quite caught up with my body as of yet, so I still see myself at 309 lbs. So does DH for that matter, it was not until he saw a picture side by side that he saw the difference. My DH is from Nigeria and there they like their women big ... the bigger the better. He always says he needs something to hold on to! No bones please! Anyways every man is different ... some like'm skinny, some in between and some like'm with some meat on them. I still don't understand what my DH sees in me. That is hard on him because he wishes I understood how much he adores and cherishes me. Recently a picture was taken of us (in my siggy) .. I see how he is looking at me and realize .. wow look how how is looking at me.

[ladeedah]

Thanks for your response. My rather DH said much same to me, however, now it seems he is all discombobulated so I dunno if he's in the mid-life-crisis mode or what.I have no brothers, or father so DH & young son are tmy male s of influence. Weird, gals have it a bit easier when it comes to communicating our thoughts & needs, I think. Guys have a bit more trouble with that, I think. Trying to get a better idea of what others who've had WLS have experienced. I appreciate what you shared. Best regards.

[kitcatcopycat]

DH is having a hard time adjusting .. side note .. especially with our s@x life. I told him he has been kind of rough lately and he said he is being the same as he always has been. I then realized that I'm not the same. No more cushion .. so I am getting a bit bruised up. Hopefully I will tough'n up sooner then later. He wants to make sure I am enjoying myself, but it is hard to enjoy yourself when you are in pain.

[kitcatcopycat]

Oh and I always have drag everything out of DH .. his communication skills are lacking. I always find out about things from other friends and family. They always look shocked that he has not said something to me .. but I am not surprised because that is just the way it is. I used to get upset .. but not now. DH always says, 'I thought I told you'. Ha Ha .. som,etimes I think he has conversations with himself (in his brain) and thinks he is communicating with me.

[Perfesser]

Dunno how much help I can be - not having ever considered myself an "average" guy, I don't claim to understand how they think. Oh, sure, there are stereotypes aplenty, but how valid they are ...

I married Peanut when she was 120 pounds. I was somewhere around 180 or so. Six years later, she got real sick. Had a long string of miscarriages, then the thyroid went crazy and a bunch of other things happened. She got down to 102. I was nearing the end of engineering school, taking care of her, working 25-30 hours a week twisting wrenches, and carrying a full load of tough classes. I started heading up the scale.

When the thyroid dust settled, she was heading north too. 150, 200, 220, it was brutal. I stuck around because I had said I would, and I meant it. Then the thyroid would get loose again and she'd be back down to 170 before changing direction again.

So I've loved her normal, I've loved her skinny, and I've loved her fat. You could say I've loved her through thick and thin. The wrapper is easy to change, it's the soul inside that I married. I know that many guys are fixated on the physical attributes of a woman. The perfect Barbie figure is for them the ideal, and I have known guys end it and split when she put on a few. I think immaturity has a lot to do with it. There is more to marriage than sex, and if sex is all there is, I pity the couple. They miss out on the joys of falling and staying in love, of caring for the other more than for yourself.

So I guess in my view, if the size of his woman is critical, the poor guy still has some maturing to do. Sure there are cultural aspects to it. As kitcat has said, her hubby was programmed that way. Many "less sophisticated" cultures than our own believe that larger women are more fertile, healthier and better nurturers. In our "sophisticated" culture, starved is sold as sexy. Look at the top models. Look at the malnourished waifs in an Abercrombie ad. Here in the US, sex sells, and if a woman meets the basic requirements of thin waist with a well-developed upper body, there'll be guys lining up to drool on her picture. Are these the "average" guys you are asking about? I don't know.

I think that a mature guy, one with more stay than go, sees through such a temporary thing as physical size. In my experience, the physical can change at the drop of a hormone. It's who's inside that I'm interested in. People who meet Peanut tell me that she has a special, sweet quality about her. She is a caring person. To me, that's worth a whole lot more than having some pampered high-maintenance broad who's always been showered with praise because of something that can change in a heartbeat.

So for some guys, it's ego. It's all about him and how he was able to attract the beauty he can't trust because everyone will try to steal her away from him. For others, if they were to write a list of "Needs" and "Wants", the physical would be in the column under "Desirable", not "Critical".

I think it's a maturity thing. Boys think with one head. Men think with the other. And that makes all the difference.

CT

[clancythecamper]

Interesting discussion ~ I know my DH always wanted me thinner but now I think he wishes I were a tad bit "sturdier" for lack of a better way to put it. I was a size 20 when we married but this is the smallest I've been since 5th grade. I do tend to be bony and not as strong. Also, honestly, I'm not the same person I was 2 years ago, and, thankfully, neither is he. I am blessed that as I have grown smaller, our relationship has improved but I don't think that's about size, I think that's a God thing.

[kitcatcopycat]

Well said CT! My DH married me because he loves the inside and it was a plus I was a plus size (ha ha). We were close before I lost the weight and even closer now. We grow each day deeper in love. We are best friends with benefits! CT has a good point, maturity is a big factor. My DH culture believes you do not marry until you are old enough to take care of that person (that you must be able to take care of yourself first). Of which means you must have an education and a job. We did not meet and marry until I was 29 and DH was 27. Yup he is two years younger. He had lived out on his own for six years. He cooks amd cleans. Yup .. I found the perfect WIFE .. ha ha.

[ladeedah]

CT, All I can reply after re-reading your post is," thank you " . Your sincerity, love for your wife as your permanant sidekick on lifes-journey and devotion to your marriage relationship rings clear as a bell. Well done, CT & Peanut. (Not accidental>Chosen actions with clear tracable results). These are the exact qualities that make strong-marriage sense to me. DH o' mine , bless his heart, struggles. I'm continually learning about what truly matters. WLS has increased my health & quality of life. I am still adjusting to the way I am perceived by others based on my appearance, never really thought about it this much in my entire lifetime. Guess it's simply another step on the pathyway. Thanks for sharing CT, Peanut apparently wed an ABOVE average guy. I agree re: stereotypes. Clancy, I have also been characterized as "bony" now vs. then, therefore I can relate to your statement. KitCat thanks for your replys.Very insightful.

[Perfesser]

Originally Posted by kitcatcopycat

CT has a good point, maturity is a big factor. My DH culture believes you do not marry until you are old enough to take care of that person (that you must be able to take care of yourself first). Of which means you must have an education and a job.

By the time we married, I had been away from home for a couple of years at college (where Peanut was the first girl I met, not that it was love at first sight), had an associate degree, had worked at this-n-that for a couple of years, and was halfway through my enlistment with a year overseas. After getting her associate degree at the same time I did, she had gone on to get her bachelors degree and teaching certificate and had worked a year. So we were both old enough to take care of ourselves.

Oh, yeah, I married an older woman too! Can't tell whether they're better or not, as I'm still working on my first marriage and have nothing to compare it to, but in a few months we'll have our coral anniversary (that's halfway between pearls and rubies), so I guess it's working out so far.

CT