[Fallin]

In my current living situation, I live with my best friend and her husband and 3 kids. At 40 I don't think I'll have kids of my own and I feel very fortunate to have these very special people in my life. The problem I am having now is I'm watching the kids and their eating habits and I am sometimes having a hard time not saying anything about this. I don't want to "preach" to anyone because I am now losing weight, but I look at the oldest child (10 yo boy) and I watch him getting heavier and heavier. About 2 years ago I suggested my friend switch him to diet soda.. that's all he wants to drink... she fights to get him to drink water at all. She tries to limit the soda he has per day and no one in the house... with the exception of myself really eats green vegetables. I know she doesn't like them and in turn doesn't fix them for the kids... the 2 veggies that are served with dinner are peas and corn, which in my mind are starches. Dad isn't any better, has diabetes and has already had 2 heart attacks (he's 40) but continues to eat ice cream and M&M's even though he knows he shouldn't. The middle child (8 yo girl) is a little more adventurous... she actually tried the chicken and broccoli I made. She drinks more juice than soda and will drink water. Maybe there isn't anything I can do, but I don't want any of the kids to have to be the "fat" kid in their class. Do I just bite my tongue?

[Perfesser]

Tough spot! Sounds like you have a good dynamic as things are, except for your teeth-gnashing frustration. Here are a few thoughts on the situation from one who isn't in it and doesn't know anything about it but what you have told us.

You seem to have been with them for awhile as their guest. For the last nine months or so, you have been more aware of good/bad nutritional programming and choices. Before that, had you made any remarks about it? If not, your intrusion into their parenting now could be seen as a zealous convert trying to win over more converts to something they don't care about. Ever have any obnoxious people knock on your door trying to sell you something you didn't want? What did you think of them, especially the pushy ones? Now imagine what they would feel if you turned into one of them under their own roof.

They know what's good for them, and are making their own choices. You say that the father "knows he shouldn't" eat the things he does. After two cardiacs, if that hasn't made a lasting impression, what are your odds of success? I used to think that I wouldn't mind dying from a massive coronary, so I used that thought as insulation for my poor dietary habits. Then one day, my mother asked me "what if it doesn't kill you? What if it only leaves you crippled and unable to do anything?" It got me thinking some (not much, though), and maybe years later the thought morphed into WLS, but at the time it had no immediate affect on me.

Prior to your conversion to WLS, how much like them were you? Will this new evangelism of yours be seen as helpful or resented?

Parents are ultimately responsible for the raising of their children, not you. Although some here may disagree, this isn't the kind of thing that you can report to child welfare services and expect action. It is not an immediate danger to their health or safety. How much "buttin' in" will they accept before your presence becomes unwanted? How much does their friendship mean?

Parents can get pretty darned defensive about how they are seen to be raising their children. Uninvited criticism (you think it'd be interpreted any other way?) is sure to cause them to dig in their heels. Unless this is entirely new stuff that they have never heard of (I doubt it!) they have made choices and will stick with them until given good and sufficient reason to change. You already know that a heart attack is not seen as good and sufficient reason.

Your decision options are to keep quiet, which bugs the heck out of you, or speak up and bug the heck out of them. Either way has consequences. Consider them carefully before you make your choice, as that choice will dictate what happens in the relationship you have with this family.

Tough call!! Good luck.

CT

[MsVickie]

I personally would bite my tongue. We our self were overweight and if ever told we should limit something It would hurt my feelings. And these are her kids. That is a totally different matter. Moms are protective of there kids more than anything.

Bite it and go on.

[Fallin]

I don't want to step on Mom's toes in any way... and yes I have given Dad grief for how he eats before my surgery, but I think you are right... I need to just bite my tongue and not say anything. I don't want to upset anyone and I'll keep trying to introduce new foods to the kids as I make new things... if that helps even 1 of them to try something a little more healthy than I've done what I can.

[clancythecamper]

A good example frequently doesnt have to talk Make tasty healthy recipes and treats and be happy to share but don't judge; we've all been there and didn't care for those speeches. I have to admit that there are things I've known all along about healthy eating that I just didn't "get" until now. Good luck~

[MsVickie]

Sure introducing new stuff to them is a great thing. Im all for that. Maybe one will see what your doing and help themselfs without knowing it. I posted a while back about my niece and nephew and me not telling them they had to eat better but introducing them to different things. My nephew took it with great strides and eats that way to a extent now. My niece however will take anything sweet over anything good for you. I grew up being told I was fat etc..... so I will never go that route with anyone. And when you get to saying somthing about somones kids that is a new can of worms you open and the ugly will come out faster than you have ever seen anything LOL.

[Kenyar]

hmmm. i wouldnt say anything to anyone elses kids. thats just me. i think it would put a strain on your living situation. then on the other hand, them not eating right will cause conflict in your post op life. its a tough situation to be in...

[DocSanae]

Tough situation. CT says it all, and I think you are doing your best in the situation by just letting your actions talk. Actually, setting good examples silently but persistently is what works best in the long run.
I think you're doing a good job of it.

P.S. Yeah, don't I know all about diabetics who have the "Why should I care" attitude, it's a tough job even for a well trained dr to wear down that wall and have them do better for themselves.