[kitcatcopycat]

I was wondering if someone could answer a question for me. I have always noticed when my DH gets around his older brother or other siblings (especially the boys) he turns into a different person. Like he has to impress them. That he gets embarrassed easily by us. I have never really cared for his older brother but I have put up with him. Unfortunately he tends to like to take credit for everything, has a showy personality. But my DH sings his praises all of the time, likes he is perfect and can't see why I object to his being around us or vise versa. I just don't like the person my DH becomes when he is around him. Is this a normal thing to think your brother or sister walks on water and can do no wrong. I jokingly said to my DH does your brother have something on you? I mean have you done something he is holding in his back pocket if you don't agree with every word he speaks? I know we are all imperfect and grate each others nerves every now and then. But I am a fairly reasonable person. I just don't like being around my DH when he changes into a different person because of his brother. Side Note - I have spoken to my DH a thousand times before about how I feel but he says he is the same person he always is.

[dixieladybug]

I can't really help you much there. My husband is a good ole country boy and is the same around everyone.. take him or leave him.. lol I am sure that would be hard to understand. Maybe he just looks up to his brother. Maybe someone else will have some thought for you..

[clancythecamper]

I've seen people who behave differently around different people and there's probably quite an interesting psychology behind it, but the only thing I can tell you is that they usually don't realize it and when you say something its you that has the problem. Does this brother live overseas? If he does, then just be thankful he's not around the corner.

[kitcatcopycat]

Unfortunately he is three hours away.

[clancythecamper]

ugh ~ does anyone else see it? maybe a buddy that would take the heat off of you? My personal way to handle my DH's family, back when there were "issues", was to totally ignore them. Be polite, civil, the adoring wife and completely ignore the stupid stuff ~ thankfully, there wasn't anything so bad I couldn't ignoring. My heart goes out to you.

Funny story ~ when I got married, I was 21. DH and i had dated since I was 15 so the typical mother/daughter talk seemed unnecessary to me ~ but not to mom. She said to me ~ "want to know the secret to a successful marriage?" curious, I said "sure". Her wise and sage advice was "Eat shit. Eat it for breakfast, eat it for lunch, and for dinner". I about died. I hadn't heard my mom use that word more than 6 times my whole life! Now I'm sure she didn't mean to allow anyone to abuse me or to live in horrible living conditions, but I think she was just telling me to let most things go unless it was really important. She always had the patience of Job. I guess you just have to decide how much this really bothers you.

By the way, what's he embarrassed about? Didn't he choose you? Love, honor and cherish, all that? Hope I'm not getting too personal, it's really none of my business. I've had DH say he was embarassed to be seen with me when I was big, so I know how much it hurts. If only we could figure them out!!!

[judijo]

OK...I will throw it out there...

Could it be a race thing with the BIL? Are there cultural differences he brings out in your DH that he would not bring in the home normally? ..Just a thought.

[DocSanae]

I'm with judijo.
I think it may have to do with how family interacts in his native country, how and what he and his brother grew up with. No offense, but women in Africa generally tend to be *placed into the background in society*, from what I know.
Your DH probably knows what's *right* and *acceptable* in the US and to women who grew up in the US, so obviously, he's doing right by you in your home, and when you are out together sans BIL. However, there's going to be *gut reaction* when the family he grew up with is around.
Instead of telling your DH how you feel about the situation, have you asked how family relationship and interaction is in Nigeria? How they grew up? That may give you insight in how to deal with this, not only directly, but indirectly.

Incidetally, I am moving this to Family and Loved Ones.

[Perfesser]

Well, it's sure been interesting to read what all you ladies have to say about the relationships between brothers. It's definitely another point of view.

Younger brothers grow up in older brothers' shadows. If the ob treats the yb well, there is an imprinting bordering sometimes on hero worship. The yb wants to be just like the ob.

Here we have a yb (known to us all as DH) who grew up in ob's shadow. Evidently he admires ob, so they must have had a fairly decent relationship as kids. Sounds like ob has a dominant personality. Yb grows up wanting to be like ob. That's normal. In later years, when they get together, they slip seamlessly back into the roles of yesteryear. Yb tried to impress ob to get praise. Maybe he still has some of that in him?

There is no way you will ever get yb to think that he is in any way different around ob. This is so deeply ingrained, and predates you by decades, that it is who he is. You get between them at your peril. Do not ask DH to make a choice between ob and you. His relationship with ob goes back a whole lot deeper.

Ob doesn't need a set of incriminating negatives on yb. Yb grew up knowing (not just thinking) that ob walked on water, and that he never would.

I was 16 when I inherited 3 younger stepbrothers. I wasn't home that many years after that, but the oldest of the three (8 at the time) imprinted me. He still is my "little" brother. The other two are equals now, but the oldest is my yb.

Guys aren't that hard to understand. It really is this simple. Some ybs treat their obs with hero worship. My best advice? Don't make a fuss of it. He loves you. He's not ashamed of you. But when he's with ob, he's still the little kid tagging along hoping to be accepted. Not a darned thing you can do about it, and it doesn't threaten you a bit.

But if ob grates on you, you don't have to be there watching yb be who he is.

Be grateful they didn't grow up hating each other! That's harder to deal with !!

CT

[DocSanae]

Originally Posted by Perfesser

Be grateful they didn't grow up hating each other! That's harder to deal with !!

CT

Amen to that. Though in my own family, things are good in that quarter, with my job, one invariably ends up skirting the fringes of family relationships on occasions, and boy, some can get really ugly--in fact, family feuds are far more ugly than feuds between *strangers*.

[stylindi]

having been in the same dynamics (a FEW times)...ya...older brothers are to be on a pedistal, women are to be in the kitchen. Also , i had a sweet elderly woman in my hair chair once. She was getting fluffy for her 65th Wedding Aniversary party, all of us in the salon were ALL OVER her. TELL US EVERYTHING! This is what SHE said.
Every night before you go to sleep make sure you tell them exactly how much you appreciate them, even if you dont. Im sure if there werent so many of us she'd have directly quoted Clanceys mom.

This is My reason for WLS. Intorducing my one and only Charlotte(aka chuck) in this pic she was 6. She is growing to fast and is under medical supervision for that.