[nofear]

this situation is really difficult to handle. if you want to continue with your husband then you need to spent more time with him. otherwise there are other guys.

[want2bskinny]

I know how you feel...My boyfriend of 11 years is in NY and I am here in NC...he's moving down here this summer...finally! He was not in favor of me having surgery in fact he asked me who I was doing it for.....me I told him....I know he is very insecure...he always has been...He told me you are beautiful the way you are you don't need to change....this coming from the same guy who has never taken me to a company christmas party or any other work function...We have a 3 year old daughter and I want to be healthy for her and me....the good part I guess is that he hasn't seen me since the surgery and is coming here in June so he'll see be minus 60-70 pounds (hopefully)! But truthfully I think he is finally moving here because he is scared that I'll leave him for somebody else now that I'm losing so much weight...whatever works..I guess!

[BreeChick]

I clicked new posts today and saw your old post about jealous husband goings on..I'm wondering how it is going with you 2 now?

I had the surgery during my 2nd marriage which was quite new and my husband was 14 yrs younger than I. In the end I think he preferred me big. His fantasy was that I would be muscley but when I got under 200 and got smaller and smaller & especially when my boobs got smaller which were about the last to go! He withdrew further from me.

He liked the 'idea' of every one thinking I was so hot but the reality of so many men looking at me (including his friends), making comments in spite of his presence really POed him.

Too many of us lose our marriages in the end after surgery. I think a lot of it is due to how we have 'settled' for less..but that's a whole other thread.

Goodness knows I've gone over this in therapy many many hours!!!!
--bree

[FemmeMode]

In my opinion....I think the WHOLE ISSUE is lack of communication....

I know that it definitely 'takes two' even though that sounds cliche'....but it's true - It takes two to get together...and two to split.
If BOTH are not completely committed thru thick and thin it's difficult - b/c one side can only hold up 'your one side of the bargain'.... - it's just a recipe for disaster.
_________________________________________

I have heard of many couples splitting after WLS....

but I wonder if that is b/c of the insecurity in the mate - OR our "new found confidence"???

I'd be likely to believe that it is a combination of the two....
__________________________________________________ __________

I just wonder if as we are loosing weight...if WE feel disappointed that we are not given the accolades we feel we need & deserve for our accomplishments...& our self-esteem...thru our journey.
Then....when we don't get that from our mate/partner...we contribute to their insecurities if we don't tell them...or talk to them about it.

On the other side....this is a blow to the gut to our mate too.
I think it's necessary that THEY go thru some sort of counseling for themselves....


OUR LIFE CHANGE effects them too...and I believe if they do not go thru the 'emotional & mental' changes of life deals them with our weight-loss and new found self-esteem and confidence that may be difficult for them.


One thing I have to CONSTANTLY remember is...as I gained weight - my husband dealt with my obesity in a 'certain way'...and now that I'm thin...he has to deal with that AS WELL....

This is NOT ONLY my journey....but the journey of my entire family! Just as my weight affected my life...it affected my husbands and daughters life. The same is true of my weight - loss.....
__________________________________________________ ___________

I'm still processing thru all of this....

PLEASE KNOW, this is not directed to ANYONE in particular...just my ramblings of fluid thought & how I am processing my own journey with my issues with my Spouse.

Love you ALL....

[pugmama]

Revisiting this issue, I thought I would update. I tried... I really did and even he made an effort, but in the end... it's not worked out for us. You are completely right Deb, it does take two. And I made this decision for me, but with him and it cost me my marriage. He doesn't know how to support me now, and I am a completely different person than the person my husband married. That's the truth. He couldn't deal with that change of person very well, and I didn't / don't know what to tell him?! I'm going through major therapy right now, have been put on meds for the depresson that I THOUGHT would go away when I started to feel better about myself... now I'm depressed because I don't even know who I am any more. I've lost my identity as the "fat funny chic" and classification I had since I was in 5th grade. The first couple of months were wonderful and ever since Dec it's been all down hill emotionally and mentally. I don't expect "people" to understand - but I know some of you WL people must have a clue as to what I'm talking about?! It's so easy for people to pass judgement when they have no idea that this surgery is LIFE CHANGING in every aspect.

[DocSanae]

Stacie, ((((((((HUGS))))))))
This probably was the most difficult decision for you and your husband, and I am sorry that you had to go through it, and are going through all this now. I can see how disappointing it is to you, when you had thought you'd feel better, and find yourself not able to go there at this moment.
You know, if people have a problem with you, it's their problem, not yours, if you can understand what I am trying to say.

As cliched as it sounds, "This, too shall pass." Hang in there, when you are further out on your journey, I strongly believe that you will find what you had to go through worth every moment, because it took you (will take you) to where you will be in, say, a year, or two, or three. Right now, those years may sound long, abut as with everything, when you look back, you will probably find that it had gone by in a flash.

((((((((HUGS))))))) May your journey go well.

[BreeChick]

I so hear ya hon...lost my marriage that I thought was "the one lifetime love" etc...and also lost my idenity too. Have been through a lot of therapy..including Critical Stress Therapy due to several really bad life happenings.

This surgery IS life changing. Now on an 'odd' note one man I dated for a short time was military and his ex wife was/is a PhD researcher in the area of HIV and brains..if I remember that bit correctly.
OK! anyway..he worked for about a year in her lab cutting up brains and he said you know there is a lot of FAT in people's brains and I never knew that until I had this job. He then said "I wonder if when you are obese and lose a lot of weight like YOU did if that has something to do with the change in personality"...Now whether that is true or not..I dunno..however!
It was an interesting thing in so many times over I have heard people and said it myself, that they are NOT the same person. It's got to do with more than just the loss of the weight, it's also something inside that changes.
Post op I have become an extremely DRIVEN to Succeed person, I don't quit until I'm finished, I don't let go and give up..before surgery I was a 'floater' would try and finish things but never really did. I don't procrastinate now..very VERY rarely do I put things off.
My personality has definitely changed. My temperament has definitely changed. I used to have a VERY bad temper and was very much a screamer type of person. I no longer do that at all. It could be due to a lot of things but I don't get angry, rarely if ever. My thinking NOW is most things are not worth getting angry over. I have endless patience and focus. Plus before I was very afraid of doing hard physical things like climbing (rope) etc and heights, now it doesn't bother me much at all. The only lingering issue is I sometimes have in certain crowded situations problems with crowds (agoraphobia I believe is the term)

The ONE thing I can say that happened in my marriage is I started to no longer be the "big fat mama" personality ..I starting saying "NO".

[FemmeMode]

I'm soooo sorry to hear of this for you....
And I also understand the 'Changes' - it kinda catches you off gaurd...or it did for me!
I not clinically depressed....but go in 'waves'....depending on the situation. I know part of my issues is we're not even a whole year living in NYC yet....so we are still adjusting to "life changes" here....and then my weight loss on top of that - well, you know.

Everytime I read a vulnerable post from you - I think, "Wow, I love this girl!!" I know part of it is you and I have creative things in common - ever since we chatted about our designer similarities....and then the fact that you will just "say it like it is" - I LOVE that about you!!!!

I love your authenticity! Thanks soooo much for sharing....Hope you are good (today) - and hangin in there.

We ARE gonna make it thru this....just look at Bree....she's 5yrs. post op....Just think in 2011 we will be 5 yrs out....doesn't that seem like "IONS" from now?? I'll be 42yrs...you too?? I think you and I are close in age if I remember....are you 38?? Maybe not...you may be younger...

ANYWAY...regardless....thanks for being soooo REAL!
Love ya!!

[myavt]

I have some thoughts on this issue as well. I don't think it's always a matter of communication--maybe more of a dynamic. I'm using a woman whose lost weight and a jealous man as my example. This applies equally true if the genders are the other way around!!!

I think sometimes very insecure men get together with heavier (i.e. less desirable) women thinking we will "need them", or "not have any other options"--and so we will not leave them no matter what! This is insulting and demeaning to heavy women--but I've Counseled men who actually ADMIT to it!!!

Our "part" in it, I think is putting up with things we should not/that are unreasonable--in order to preserve the relationship.

Here is one dilemma:

Then we lose weight, OUR self-esteem goes up, and we think 'I don't have to put up with this crap! I deserve more!' We say this. Our mate then thinks we have developed an "attitude" problem. He can become angry at these changes.

Another dilemma:

Let's say the man IS of the insecure variety. He's not used to other men paying "she's hot" attention to you. It starts to happen more and more often. This opens his mind to the thought that you CAN walk away, with anyone you want, at any time you feel like (or so it seems to him). He becomes jealous, controlling, and paranoid because of what he IMAGINES might happen. He may even become abusive.

This has NOTHING to do with you. It wouldn't matter what you told him, or how you dressed (and who WANTS to wear crappy sweats all the time?)--he would STILL have a problem.

Sure you can reassure him--firmly (if you want). BUT let him know that this is ALL HIM--his problem to work out, get over, etc. YOU cannot fix this problem. Your mate would need to be sincerely committed to trusting you, letting go of jealous thoughts, and giving you POSITIVE feedback for your accomplishments.

YOU DESERVE AT LEAST THAT MUCH!!! Sorry for going on and on.

XOXO
Mya

[pugmama]

Mya! That makes perfect sense. Thank you for sharing that with me. I'm the type of person that takes the blame for everything and I honestly think that I did not ruin my marriage... he did. He was not supportive AFTER the surgery like he promised he would be and I know he's very insecure about himself, so this would make a lot of sense and could be applied. For two months now I've been beating myself up over this because I didn't know where "I" went wrong... it's very possible, "I" didn't do anything wrong, "I" just did something right for once, trying to better myself! Your comments really opened my eyes... thanks so much!!!!