[luvRdogs]

My heart goes out to you. I have no suggestions beyond what your experts here have given you, but I will do is pray for you.
Hang in there, hun! You deserve some joy and peace.
salli lou

[susabean]

I think C Ray may have hit the nail on the head. We *have* made a lot of changes, and a lot of Pop's stuff has, over the years, been phased out..(you can't have 2 family's worth of stuff in one house)...we've tried to be sensitive to him and have included him in every change we've made, but I am sure he feels displaced to some extent. I also wonder sometimes if he would do it over again if he had the opportunity....but who knows.

Everyone keeps saying that Joe needs to grow a pair and talk to his dad...the point of the matter is he HAS spoken to his father....lovingly, harshly, pleadingly...it works for a time, but then Pop reverts to old behavior. In as far as telling him that he is going to a nursing home or being put out.....neither of us have the heart or stomach to do that. Yes, I know Pop is guilty of jerky, mean, passive agressive stupid behavior, but he as a whole person is quite different. There has to be an underlying cause to this, and I really think C Ray nailed it.

He has stopped the behavior for the time being, but should it begin again, I think that the advice C Ray gave about "Ask him point blank if he loves you and your girls. Tell him that he does not because if he did he would not treat you the way he does. Ask him what he needs to be happier and more comfortible having your family living in the house. Return some of the control and things will get better" may be the ticket to controlling all of this. I don't often think of things from Pop's point of view, but with all of the drama we've been through with the kids, my health, Pop's health, the remodeling of the house, etc....not to mention that we do things completely differently than Pop used to....I'm sure that C Ray is right on track with this.

Thanks, everyone! I will ask that you all just keep us in your prayers....and despite the jerky behavior, try not to judge Pop too harshly...he's really not the terrible person that his current actions make him out to seem.

blessings,
Tammy

[SummerBreeze]

Tammy I think you knew the answer down deep , you cant be mean to him , you sound like the type who would regret it the rest of your life if he were to die tomorrow...there are gentler ways to handle things and I admire you for taking that road..dealing with parents is not easy , we exchange roles with them , we become the parent they the child , I went thru this with my mom and trust me I know down deep I done the best by her every day of my life but now that she is dead there is always this lil gnawing in back of my mind what if i had done this or said that in a dif way...meaness gets no one anywhere ... C Ray is right make him feel part of it all and i still think taking him to support meetings sometimes with you would open his eyes alot , heck it did me and i had the surgery lol...You love the man its obvious , chersih him his days are limited...He is way overstepping his boundaries dont get me wrong , but as far as your girls go I am sure he thinks he is doing them a favor bringing junk food home to them...perhaps he feels he is helping the family out with his not so nice donations...hang in there , your strong and caring and come here and vent when you need , we will laugh and cry with you thru your journey , thats what we are here for..hugs, Annie

[not quite Barbie]

Tammy,
Be prepared for one more thing. Many of us had low self-esteem prior to surgery and would let people abuse us verbally/mentally which I kind of hear in your post. As we lose the weight we gain confidance and often will start standing up for ourselves and not taking the abuse anymore. Maybe some of that is happening here also? Has your attitude changed some and he's reacting to that too? Just some thoughts.

I'm sure we are being pretty hard on him and he is a wonderful person for the most part, but he is being cruel to you and hopefully he can realize this and change his ways.