[susabean]

but if my 86 yo father in law doesn't learn some new tricks soon, I will NOT be held responsible for what I end up saying out loud!!!!

My father in law lives with us. In all respects he is a wonderful, lovely man; well almost in all respects. He belongs to a senior center, and he and his lady friend collect all of the day old bakery goods and breads from the local groceries and take it to the senior center for distribution. For YEARS I have been asking him NOT to bring the sweets into the house....both he and I are diabetic and none of us need it. He laughs and brings it home anyway, "for the girls". I have a 16 year old recovering anorexic dgt who doesn't eat the crap (she tends to eat pretty healthy right now) and a 14 year old dgt who is 5'4" and 158 lbs. Over the years I have responded by eating it, by throwing it away, by giving it away, etc. Pop has been told over and over and over that it needs to be kept in his room if he wants it for himself, and he has a little fridge for it.

I had lost 70 pounds about 7 years ago. For various and sundry reasons I gained it all back plus some. (I was dx c asthma and was on steroids for the entire summer, couldn't exercise, and basically gave up). All Pop has talked about is how good I looked then and how I need to lose weight again. Well, duh.

Ok, so I've had the surgery. My husband talked to his father and told him in no uncertain terms that he is NOT to bring the junk home. So what does he do? He brings home Sunchips for the girls. He brings home fast food chicken nuggets for the girls. He brings sweets home and even though he keeps them in his room, he waves them under my nose and says "uummmmm! Your favorite! Pumpkin pie! Oh, thats right, you can't have it now! hahaha" and goes into his room. He does it with the fast food, too. He'll do the same thing with dinner, making a pizza and calling me to tell me its ready, then laughing saying the same.

I am big on respecting our parents and our elders, but last week I blame it on the meds.....I told him that he was being a jerk and he needed to stop. He laughed, and closed his door, but then opened and looked at me kind of sheepishly. I told him that he needed to stop because what he was doing was really mean and was not helpful at all. I also told him that he was pissing me off big time and he needed to leave me alone. He laughed and went into his room, and I felt bad but figured I got the message across at least.

WRONG. He is STILL doing it. I have talked to him over the years about my food addiction/struggles, and either he doesn't want to get it or he doesn't care. He is making it VERY difficult for me, because of course head hunger wants the fries or the sunchips or whatever. I told my youngest to take the sunchips, package them into single serving bags and put them where I don't see them...the cookie jar, the bottom of the pantry, whatever, and to NOT eat them around me. I throw the cakes and donuts away immediately and yesterday asked him what he wanted for his room. He told me they were for the girls. I told him the girls didn't need it, got the dish soap, coated the donuts in dish soap and threw them away.

This is pathetic. I feel as if I am at war in my own home. My husband and kids support me, but my father in law is treating this as one big joke. I am not sure how to handle this as we all live together, and short of death, will continue to live together for many years to come. I know he loves me, and I know he wants me healthy and happy, so why does he do this? I have never had a cross word to say to this man in the 6 years we've lived here, but I am seriously starting to resent this behavior. If my being downright forthright (some might say rude) doesn't help, what will?

I don't know if he feels deprived, but he is welcome to bring home anything he wants, AS LONG AS HE KEEPS IT IN HIS ROOM!! Why is this so hard?

Geesh. Sometimes I feel like I'm behind the 8 ball even before I start.

Any suggestions? Ideas?

[Perfesser]

Okay, there's no winning in this for you. This is where your hubby needs to grow a pair and stand up to his old man and lay down some rules for his continued housing. Just like that. No sugar coating. No hemming and hahing. No backing down. This is your father-IN-LAW, not your father, and you lack jurisdiction.

This is 100% your husband's area of responsibility. Let him know how you feel, that you expect him to SOLVE the problem, because what's happening now isn't working, and you do not want to build resentment to his old man. Put it squarely in his lap and wash your hands of it, but follow up with your hubby and make sure the correction takes place.

Good luck!!!

CT

[not quite Barbie]

I strongly second CTs remark. My first reaction was to put him in the car and drive him to the closest nursing home and give him a tour. Let him see what his alternative is. I only hope and pray that my kids will someday take care of me and I don't end up in one of those terrible places and I will do whatever it takes to keep peace and harmony in the household.

He needs to understand that this is YOUR home and his staying there is contingent on his behavior. And your husband needs to be the one to tell him that so he knows it's not an empty threat.

I'm really hot about this! His treatment IS cruel and you should not have to put up with this.

[SummerBreeze]

He is totally wrong in his doings , but sadly I do think alot of people dont even begin to understand the complexity of RNY surgery...they dont know that one bite of something can make us sick or one more bite may make us sick , that we are very limited to what we can eat..on a positive note you most likely dont have a desire to eat these things anyways....Hubby should put his foot down to such nonscense , and perhaps you could take him to a support group for him to learn more and open his eyes..heck humilate him in front of the group and have them tell him why he shouldnt be acting this way ! Keep strong , and I hope your gals can also...

[Weigh2GoSteph]

I agree with Barbie and CT. This just makes me furious!! You're idea to pour dish soap on the donuts actually made me LOL, though. That's brilliant! It sounds like something I'd do.

Your husband has GOT to step up to the plate and tell his father to cut it out or get out. Not respecting you in your own home is just unacceptable!! I love the idea about taking him for a tour of a retirement home. Maybe THAT will get the idea across to him!

Best of luck to you!

[susabean]

The house in which we live is the house in which my husband grew up and pop has lived here for 50 years, so the retirement center is out of the question. We sold our home and bought this one so that he didn't have to leave his home. We've had 7 years of compromises and adjustments, but for the most part it has worked just fine. Joe (my husband) *has* spoken ad nauseum to Pop, and he says he gets it, but I think he thinks he's funny. Obviously he's not.

Joe is going to talk to him tonight, *again* and let him know that he is being really mean. I've been acting kind of mad at Pop and today he asked me what was wrong and I told him, in no uncertain terms, that he was really not being helpful even if he thought he was funny. We'll see. I guess that there will be temptations everywhere, so I will have to be strong and keep dishwashing soap the junk and throwing it away (I can't change my mind and take the stuff back if its dishwashing soaped!).

Just pray that he GETS IT. I love him and I really don't like walking around mad at him.

[Ebonidoll]

Originally Posted by susabean

but if my 86 yo father in law doesn't learn some new tricks soon, I will NOT be held responsible for what I end up saying out loud!!!!

My father in law lives with us. In all respects he is a wonderful, lovely man; well almost in all respects. He belongs to a senior center, and he and his lady friend collect all of the day old bakery goods and breads from the local groceries and take it to the senior center for distribution. For YEARS I have been asking him NOT to bring the sweets into the house....both he and I are diabetic and none of us need it. He laughs and brings it home anyway, "for the girls". I have a 16 year old recovering anorexic dgt who doesn't eat the crap (she tends to eat pretty healthy right now) and a 14 year old dgt who is 5'4" and 158 lbs. Over the years I have responded by eating it, by throwing it away, by giving it away, etc. Pop has been told over and over and over that it needs to be kept in his room if he wants it for himself, and he has a little fridge for it.

I had lost 70 pounds about 7 years ago. For various and sundry reasons I gained it all back plus some. (I was dx c asthma and was on steroids for the entire summer, couldn't exercise, and basically gave up). All Pop has talked about is how good I looked then and how I need to lose weight again. Well, duh.

Ok, so I've had the surgery. My husband talked to his father and told him in no uncertain terms that he is NOT to bring the junk home. So what does he do? He brings home Sunchips for the girls. He brings home fast food chicken nuggets for the girls. He brings sweets home and even though he keeps them in his room, he waves them under my nose and says "uummmmm! Your favorite! Pumpkin pie! Oh, thats right, you can't have it now! hahaha" and goes into his room. He does it with the fast food, too. He'll do the same thing with dinner, making a pizza and calling me to tell me its ready, then laughing saying the same.

I am big on respecting our parents and our elders, but last week I blame it on the meds.....I told him that he was being a jerk and he needed to stop. He laughed, and closed his door, but then opened and looked at me kind of sheepishly. I told him that he needed to stop because what he was doing was really mean and was not helpful at all. I also told him that he was pissing me off big time and he needed to leave me alone. He laughed and went into his room, and I felt bad but figured I got the message across at least.

WRONG. He is STILL doing it. I have talked to him over the years about my food addiction/struggles, and either he doesn't want to get it or he doesn't care. He is making it VERY difficult for me, because of course head hunger wants the fries or the sunchips or whatever. I told my youngest to take the sunchips, package them into single serving bags and put them where I don't see them...the cookie jar, the bottom of the pantry, whatever, and to NOT eat them around me. I throw the cakes and donuts away immediately and yesterday asked him what he wanted for his room. He told me they were for the girls. I told him the girls didn't need it, got the dish soap, coated the donuts in dish soap and threw them away.

This is pathetic. I feel as if I am at war in my own home. My husband and kids support me, but my father in law is treating this as one big joke. I am not sure how to handle this as we all live together, and short of death, will continue to live together for many years to come. I know he loves me, and I know he wants me healthy and happy, so why does he do this? I have never had a cross word to say to this man in the 6 years we've lived here, but I am seriously starting to resent this behavior. If my being downright forthright (some might say rude) doesn't help, what will?

I don't know if he feels deprived, but he is welcome to bring home anything he wants, AS LONG AS HE KEEPS IT IN HIS ROOM!! Why is this so hard?

Geesh. Sometimes I feel like I'm behind the 8 ball even before I start.

Any suggestions? Ideas?

..
***
My suggestion... tell him to keep it in his room or he's going to a nursing home...

"it's all a process"

[Thor]

Do you have any friends in real estate. Since you bought Pop's house so he could stay there, tell him its not working out and you are putting the house up for sale. If he sees someone coming in to appraise the house maybe he will finally get it. I am not saying that you should sell the house but a little ruse might be in order to bring him into the realm of reality.

My Mother-in-law moved in with us (RIP) and I thought it was a great experience for us, although she and my wife knew how to push each others buttons once in a while the three generations coexisting was a good thing and it should be for you too!

Good luck and make sure your husband sticks to his guns!

Thor

[BreeChick]

wow...I read through that one twice and what an abusive jerk. I'm sure he is quite personable and outwardly appears to be all sweet and nice. But ..well..

he is NOT a nice person.

It astounds me that kind of behavior and people think it is OK..obviously YOU don't but the person doing it DOES.

I totally agree with perfessor..your husband needs to grow a pair and stand up to him and put his foot down that HE IS NOT TO ACT LIKE THAT IN -HIS- house.

Yikes.

[C.Ray]

Please take a step back and look at his motivation, he still considers the house his, he is resentful that it had to be sold to his son and now he is obligated to follow a whole set of new rules in what he belives is still his property.

I have worked with prisoners (deviant personalities) for 22 years and I see this type of trait in almost all of my prisoners. Your father-in-law is trying to keep control of his home the only way he knows how. He wants you to be agitated because misery loves company. This is his passive agresssive way to have some control over his own life and surroundings.

I think the idea of taking him to a meeting will make some headway, but not much. Also your husband speaking with him and laying down the law may be a catalist for increased passive agressive behaviors.

Ask him point blank if he loves you and your girls. Tell him that he does not because if he did he would not treat you the way he does. Ask him what he needs to be happier and more comfortible having your family living in the house. Return some of the control and things will get better.Good luck, let us know how things are going from time to time.

We love you and support your efforts.