[Lana]

Hi All, it's been so long since I've posted and I shouldn't have stayed away so long. I've just been loving my life, my new body, going shopping and all those things I haven't done in so many years. But now, all of a sudden, my husband is having a breakdown. Long story short, I was not always heavy - only for the past 13 yrs since my son was born, so for the first couple of years with my husband, I was only 118 lbs. so blowing up to 218 over the years had, of course, taken its toll on our marriage. But we always worked through it and he stuck by me through my lap band and then my revision to RNY. He wanted this almost more than I did....he wanted the woman back that he married and I was finally ready to get back to that woman.

Now here I am, 8 months later, 77 lbs. down and all of a sudden he's been accusing me of fooling around and even doing drugs!!!!! He's imagining things and seeing things (he has dreams at night and thinks he sees me hiding stuff). With God as my witness, there is no man, no drugs, no nothing! I don't go out with friends, don't dissappear, I'm always reachable and the only thing I do that's different is go shopping. He knows I have to shop because I have absolutely no clothes that fit and he doesn't get mad or try and stop me in any way but he's getting these horrible feelings of insecurity and I don't know how to help him.

We've talked about it, I've told him how I understand what he's going through and that it's normal but I'm so freakin angry at him because this is the time when we should be jumping for joy and trying to make up for lost time, not wollowing in this crap! I feel like he's taking all my glory.

I don't let him sleep in the bed with me because when he gets up in the middle of the night because of his dreams, he stares at me and it creeps me out.

It scares me because putting this down in writing really makes him sound like a nut case. If anyone has any advice - I'd love to hear it!

Thanks for listening.

[DocSanae]

Sounds like he may be going through a bout of depression. It may not really be related to your surgery and weight loss, but due to something that's completely unrelated.
When he gets up in the middle of the night, he may not really be awake, but like sleep walking.
Why not discuss this with your/his dr (not your surgeon, your family dr) or a therapist if you have one? Have your husband talk with a professional who can figure out whether there's an emotional/mental issue behind this or not. Or, couple therapy might be a good place to start.

[Lana]

Thanks Doc. I did suggest couples therapy and he'd do it but I wonder if its better for him to seek help on his own with a therapist because I'm not convinced that his problems have anything to do with me. I'm afraid that in couples therapy I will be forced to defend myself for things I haven't done.

[luckylocke]

Don,t be afraid of couples counseling. It is there that he will be evaluated on whether he needs individual counseling as well. He hung in there for you so now this is your time for better or for worse. (unless of course you are in any danger). I am glad you are doing so well and I am so sorry this is dampening your joy. Hang in there while things get figured out. Hooray for you and all your weight loss.

[not quite Barbie]

I think you DO need to also go to therapy so you can gain and understanding of what's going on with him and what you need to do to help him.

Many, many years ago I used to sleep walk and talk (and eat!). Sometimes my dreams were so real that I really had to struggle with the memory and tag it in my mind as a dream, not reality. I also had a very controlling, jealous husband at that time and I was trying to change my personality to keep him happy. It didn't work obviously and was probably behind my sleepwalking.

You either will get to the bottom of what's bothering him or end up leaving because his attitiude will drive you away. So go find some help.

[MsVickie]

I agree with Barb on this one. I to used to sleep dream as I called it. I have a son who does this and a nephew. As a matter of fact the nephew the other day at 7:30 pm went out side walked all the way to the mail box which is a good 1000 yards or so to the mail box back in the house got into the truck and started to drive his truck down the drive way before I stopped him to see where he was going. I noticed he wasnt awake. Scary stuff. He was there but not there in his mind. His dad watched him get straight up from the couch and walk out the door didnt say a word no shoes on and just go. Took me blowing his horn on his own truck to wake him up. Its a family thing. Yes it is creepy. But you have to do this together. He has you on his mind alot so you have to be a part of the counceling for him to get though that. Its gonna be the best thing you can do for yourself and him. Dont give up just pull your boots up and step on it and move on ok?

[obrn14590]

I could have written that post!! My husband is truly doing the same things!! I am being accused of cheating, and acting like a teenager, when in fact I am the same old me that I always have been!

My husband will have dreams of me cheating or doing horrible things, then he wakes up and is sooo angry with me for the rest of the day!

I am so sorry you are going through this... if your hubby is willing to go to counselling, that is awesome! My hubby, unfortunately has told me he will divorce me before ever going to a counselor...

I hope you find help here at RR, I know you will actually, the people here are so awesome!!

[BreeChick]

Plus you all do realize that if her hubby is on ANY of the sleep meds, ambien, etc...they cause this kind of behavior too, right? ie: the sleep walking, eating, psychotic behavior.

Couples therapy..is a good idea..and you will NOT be put in a position of 'defending' yourself..not with a good therapist. You both (at a good practice) will be evaluated, then therapy is usually together AND each of you see either the same therapist or separate ones in the practice on your own too.

Now that is in the perfect world of couples therapy at a really good practice..hopefully you'll find a really good one.

15 yrs ago my Ex and I went to therapy after I'd started therapy and then we went together (he felt HE didn't need one on one therapy). I'd shared about the hub's problem with trash hoarding and how extensive it was. In therapy he kept laughing it off saying I was exaggerating, etc etc...he really thought he was pulling the wool over the therapist eyes....UNTIL the day I took pictures and brought them into the therapist. ha!...Talk about 'busted'...The therapist then worked with him on some really good ways for HIM to work on this issue that were very constructive.

Couples therapy is a good thing especially if your husband is willing to go. Plus it's really a good idea to get a referral to a PSYCHIATRIST..they are MD's and can prescribe meds if they feel it is warranted for whatever is going on with your husband.

[Perfesser]

Just a thought from the male side of the divide - kicking him out of your bed may be counter-productive to convincing him there's no one else in your life. In his mind, why would you cut him off if you weren't getting it elsewhere? For a woman as attractive as you are, he can come up with a lot of wrong answers to that question.

If you can't sleep with him, can you find a time the two of you can get together and enjoy a little one-on-one time? He's a man, and to be cut off physically by a beautiful woman (his beautiful woman!) is true rejection at the most personal level there is.

CT

[Lana]

Originally Posted by MsVickie

Yes it is creepy. But you have to do this together. He has you on his mind alot so you have to be a part of the counceling for him to get though that. Its gonna be the best thing you can do for yourself and him. Dont give up just pull your boots up and step on it and move on ok?

Thanks Ms. Vickie and you're right. He does have me on his mind and we should do it together.

Originally Posted by obrn14590

I could have written that post!! My husband is truly doing the same things!! I am being accused of cheating, and acting like a teenager, when in fact I am the same old me that I always have been!

My husband will have dreams of me cheating or doing horrible things, then he wakes up and is sooo angry with me for the rest of the day!

I am so sorry you are going through this... if your hubby is willing to go to counselling, that is awesome! My hubby, unfortunately has told me he will divorce me before ever going to a counselor...

I hope you find help here at RR, I know you will actually, the people here are so awesome!!

Your story sounds EXACTLY like mine. I feel horrible that you're going through it too, but I'm glad I'm not alone. I hope you can convince your husband to go for counseling. Good luck.

Originally Posted by BreeChick

Plus you all do realize that if her hubby is on ANY of the sleep meds, ambien, etc...they cause this kind of behavior too, right? ie: the sleep walking, eating, psychotic behavior.

Couples therapy..is a good idea..and you will NOT be put in a position of 'defending' yourself..not with a good therapist. You both (at a good practice) will be evaluated, then therapy is usually together AND each of you see either the same therapist or separate ones in the practice on your own too.

Now that is in the perfect world of couples therapy at a really good practice..hopefully you'll find a really good one.

15 yrs ago my Ex and I went to therapy after I'd started therapy and then we went together (he felt HE didn't need one on one therapy). I'd shared about the hub's problem with trash hoarding and how extensive it was. In therapy he kept laughing it off saying I was exaggerating, etc etc...he really thought he was pulling the wool over the therapist eyes....UNTIL the day I took pictures and brought them into the therapist. ha!...Talk about 'busted'...The therapist then worked with him on some really good ways for HIM to work on this issue that were very constructive.

Couples therapy is a good thing especially if your husband is willing to go. Plus it's really a good idea to get a referral to a PSYCHIATRIST..they are MD's and can prescribe meds if they feel it is warranted for whatever is going on with your husband.

I was actually thinking of a psychiatrist. I see one who monitors my medications and I'm going to ask him. Great idea! My husband doesn't take any medication so unfortunately I can't use that as an excuse for what's happening to him. Thank you so much for the advice.

Originally Posted by Perfesser

Just a thought from the male side of the divide - kicking him out of your bed may be counter-productive to convincing him there's no one else in your life. In his mind, why would you cut him off if you weren't getting it elsewhere? For a woman as attractive as you are, he can come up with a lot of wrong answers to that question.

If you can't sleep with him, can you find a time the two of you can get together and enjoy a little one-on-one time? He's a man, and to be cut off physically by a beautiful woman (his beautiful woman!) is true rejection at the most personal level there is. CT

Great advice yet again Perfesser! I never thought of it that way. I can understand what you're saying but I'm just soooo creeped out that I feel his stares in the middle of the night. We do get some alone time but I guess not nearly enough. And thank you so much for the compliment, it means alot.