What Do You Do When You Are Getting Negative Support?

colosn0w · 02-02-2007, 12:20 PM

I am so confused, I JUST GOT MY SURGERY DATE!!!!!!

and I am very excited and have tons of support from my co-workers, friends, sister and Mother. BUT...

My grown son(36) and grown daughter (32) are SOOOOO against me having it. Son says that I am just not trying hard enough. Daughter says it is too risky and things could go wrong. I had my daughter come to "family night" when my 10- week calasses were over and she embarrassed me and I left crying. I even had her speak to the Class Leader.

What do I do? I know this is the right thing for me but my daughter hasn't called me since the meeting last Monday night.

Donna(colosn0w)

fr1endly2 · 02-02-2007, 01:18 PM

WELL IT happens
perhaps show them this website so all
their fears can be conquered!
ITS scary and most people
only hear the horror stories from the
surgery and not the great success!

ITS not easy i didnt tell many people.
PERHAPS if they come and lurk on this
site and read all the happy people, see
the pics they will learn that this is a great
alternative for you!!!
SEND THEM OUR WAY and the great people
will calm their nerves tons.

DocSanae · 02-02-2007, 08:30 PM

Negative reports always surpass positive reports as impressions.
That's because people and the media will zoom in on one mishap, and ignore the other 99 happy and healthy people.
This happens with anything and everything.

As an example, say you were diagnosed for cancer.
Present day cancer therapy offers a wide range of options, and for some cancers, chemotherapy is first choice while for others, its surgery. So, if you were to choose surgery with a techinique that is new, and requires expertise, but if the surgery itself is successful, the chances of complete cure are great, instead of chemo which up to this time was the standard treatment, do you think everyone will agree with your choice? I think there will be someone who will disagree because they think the new treatment is too risky. But for you, which is riskier, leaving the cancer in, and letting medication take care of it, even though chemo has proven very effective, you still have the cancer cells in your for an extended period of time, or taking the risk of the surgery, and getting the tumor out all together. Of course, even with surgery, there always is the possibility of a reccurence, but that can be kept under control by dilligent care and observation. With chemo, the cancer cells may become resistant to even the finest and newest agents, then you will not have an effective tool to fight the disease with.

The people you love and are most important to you will oppose you because they fear losing you. You'll have to give them time to come around, they need to do their own research and come to their own conclusions. They will be biased with what they have heard up to now, and they may also be upset that you had not discussed the matter with them until you had made the final decision. They also don't know what you went through, so it's going to be hard for them to understand your line of thinking and decision untill they have had some time to mull over it.
Give them time, give them access to all the info you have, including this site, and all other sites you have used to research the surgery and make your decision, and let them think it over themselves. They are both grownups, fully responsible and fully capable of coming to their own conclusions and decisions. You have to give them that room, and that independence.
Misinformation is your worst enemy, so make sure they have all the info that you have.
Remember, it took you years to come to this conclusion, it will take time for your children to make up their final minds as well.

I realize it is hard for you that you do not have the immediate support of your children, but if you are not living together with them, your decision may seem very sudden and rash to them, because they can't see the true pain you are going through, nor the time and effort and thought you went through to make your decision, so give them the benefit of the doubt, and time to come around. I am sure, once you have had the surgery and regained your health, they will realize this was the best thing for you, but you do need to give them the chance to see how things really are for themselves.

Also, when people oppose the decision of others, very deep inside--often without being conscious of it--they are afraid of the impact that decision will make on their own lives, not yours. They are going to need time to deal with that, whether it affects their lives or not.
The best you can do for now is tell them that even if they are against your having WLS, you would be grateful if they will accept the fact that you are the only one who can decide what is best for you, and will be there when you need their support in particular.

(((((((HUGS))))))))) Keep your head high, you are the only one who can decide for yourself, so be proud of it, and be confident that you will be able to make your tool work.
Wishing you the best, keeping you in my prayers.

colosn0w · 02-08-2007, 08:40 PM

You guys are amazing! Thank you so much for the support. Doc, everything you said made sense. By the way, I not only sent this website to my children, I sent the link to all 20 people who were in my WLS class at Kaiser. I am feeling better about it now, AND, I just figured out how to put the tickerfactory with my signature...YEAH! Now I am just counting down the days to surgery (March 27th). But first, on the 12th of March, I go on vacation to Memphis...Graceland, Elvis, p-nut butter and banana sandwiches(this is the last time...I swear).
Thank you for this wonderful place to come and feel comfortable.
Love you all!

beckamarie · 02-09-2007, 01:24 AM

Welcome and I am happy you feel better

fr1endly2 · 02-09-2007, 04:29 AM

YOUR sound very positive DONNA!
ENJOY that trip !!
and your surgery date will be here before you know it.
So glad your feel comfy here and we are
here for all your pre op and post op q's and support needs!!
hugs

CherishMeForever · 02-09-2007, 06:48 AM

Hi Donna.....when I started my quest to have a gastric bypass....man oh man did I get negative "support".....At work there was this other nurse who I would have toget report from each night when I went in and she always blasted me....but yanno what I did? I made sure she never saw how much her negative words hurt me and I covered it up with humor...she finally gave up. I also got some negativity when I went to my first support group meeting. There was these two girls sittin infront of me....they turned around and said they couldn't believe I was gonna have the surgery because they said I was too small (mind you at the time I was 235.....BUT I worked out alot and didn't look like I weighed that much)....and again....I turned it around and ...laugh and told them I am glad they wen't on the insurance board that approves people for this type of surgery, LOL! After that I just went to another local hosptial support group meeting and yanno what??? I liked it even better, LOL! So, like I have said before....I live by the motto: out of everything bad comes something good and if you focus on that good then you will be OK!!

This whole process will make you stronger....stronger in ways you never even expected. You have to do what is best for you....they will come around!

Hugs,
Valerie****

DocSanae · 02-09-2007, 07:32 AM

Graceland?! Elvis?!

Oooh, I soooo envy you!!!

mike · 02-09-2007, 08:32 AM

I just have one thing to say. YOU HAVE TO DO THIS FOR YOURSELF, AND NOONE ELSE. It is time for you to be a little bit selfish, as a mother. As harsh as that may sound. I am betting that your kids are scared for you. Not an abnormal feeling for them. My wife was totally against me having it done, along with everyone else. I got absolutely no support before my surgery from anyone. At first, I started to second guess myself on whether or not to have it done, if soooooo many people were against it. Then, I thought to myself, and asked myself this question. Why am I having this surgery? I came up with many many good reasons on why I should have it done-High blood pressure, High cholesterol, Sleep Apnea, etc. That is when I realized that I was going to do this for myself, no matter what anyone else had to say about it negatively. After my surgery, and I was doing well, the wife started giving me compliments, and LOTS OF SUPPORT. I could not have done it without her. Your children will come around to, as my wife did. It is a big decision to make, but one that has far greater pros than cons. Come to think of it, I can't really think of any major cons. It is a decision that I would do all over again, given the chance. HANG IN THERE KIDDO. They will come around once they realize that you are going to do this with, or without their support for now. Not to mention, it is going to make mom a much healthier person because of it. You seem like you need a GREAT BIG WLS forums HUG! Stay strong.

, and keep us posted.
mike

colosn0w · 02-09-2007, 11:41 AM

Mike, Valerie, Doc, Thank you so much! I am positive about what I have learned and best of all is the support HERE. I know I can come to a group of kindred spirits ANYTIME with ANYTHING and will be received openly and unbiasly (is that a word???) you know what I mean. (Maybe it is a Bush word...teehee)
I'll keep you posted. (((HUGS ))) back at ya!

02-02-2007, 12:20 PM	#1 (permalink)
colosn0w Big Loser Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Snowy Colorado Posts: 171 Weight Statistics 11/13/06 Start Date: 3/27/2007 Surgery Date: Please Enter Height: 227 lb Start Weight: 165 lb Current Weight: 127 lb Goal Weight: 62 lb Weight Loss: 38 lb Lb Left to Lose: 27.3127753304 % % Lost: before I am 60 (3 1/2 yrs) Goal Date: Weight Loss Method Roux en Y Gastric Bypass	What Do You Do When You Are Getting Negative Support? I am so confused, I JUST GOT MY SURGERY DATE!!!!!! and I am very excited and have tons of support from my co-workers, friends, sister and Mother. BUT... My grown son(36) and grown daughter (32) are SOOOOO against me having it. Son says that I am just not trying hard enough. Daughter says it is too risky and things could go wrong. I had my daughter come to "family night" when my 10- week calasses were over and she embarrassed me and I left crying. I even had her speak to the Class Leader. What do I do? I know this is the right thing for me but my daughter hasn't called me since the meeting last Monday night. Donna(colosn0w) __________________ colosn0w aka Donna

02-02-2007, 01:18 PM	#2 (permalink)
fr1endly2 Seasoned Veteran Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: SOMEPLACE LONG ISLAND, NY Posts: 6,755 Weight Statistics June 1, 2005 Start Date: Please Enter Height: 310 lb Start Weight: 167 lb Current Weight: 159 lb Goal Weight: 143 lb Weight Loss: 8 lb Lb Left to Lose: 46.1290322581 % % Lost: Body Mass Index 51 BMI Start: 27 BMI Current: Weight Loss Method Roux en Y Gastric Bypass	WELL IT happens perhaps show them this website so all their fears can be conquered! ITS scary and most people only hear the horror stories from the surgery and not the great success! ITS not easy i didnt tell many people. PERHAPS if they come and lurk on this site and read all the happy people, see the pics they will learn that this is a great alternative for you!!! SEND THEM OUR WAY and the great people will calm their nerves tons. __________________ LISA http://w5.photobucket.com/widgets/dy...164/fr1endly2/ LAP RNY Gastric Bypass

02-02-2007, 08:30 PM	#3 (permalink)
DocSanae Super Moderator Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Tokyo, Japan Posts: 8,032 Blog Entries: 2 5' 5" Height:	Negative reports always surpass positive reports as impressions. That's because people and the media will zoom in on one mishap, and ignore the other 99 happy and healthy people. This happens with anything and everything. As an example, say you were diagnosed for cancer. Present day cancer therapy offers a wide range of options, and for some cancers, chemotherapy is first choice while for others, its surgery. So, if you were to choose surgery with a techinique that is new, and requires expertise, but if the surgery itself is successful, the chances of complete cure are great, instead of chemo which up to this time was the standard treatment, do you think everyone will agree with your choice? I think there will be someone who will disagree because they think the new treatment is too risky. But for you, which is riskier, leaving the cancer in, and letting medication take care of it, even though chemo has proven very effective, you still have the cancer cells in your for an extended period of time, or taking the risk of the surgery, and getting the tumor out all together. Of course, even with surgery, there always is the possibility of a reccurence, but that can be kept under control by dilligent care and observation. With chemo, the cancer cells may become resistant to even the finest and newest agents, then you will not have an effective tool to fight the disease with. The people you love and are most important to you will oppose you because they fear losing you. You'll have to give them time to come around, they need to do their own research and come to their own conclusions. They will be biased with what they have heard up to now, and they may also be upset that you had not discussed the matter with them until you had made the final decision. They also don't know what you went through, so it's going to be hard for them to understand your line of thinking and decision untill they have had some time to mull over it. Give them time, give them access to all the info you have, including this site, and all other sites you have used to research the surgery and make your decision, and let them think it over themselves. They are both grownups, fully responsible and fully capable of coming to their own conclusions and decisions. You have to give them that room, and that independence. Misinformation is your worst enemy, so make sure they have all the info that you have. Remember, it took you years to come to this conclusion, it will take time for your children to make up their final minds as well. I realize it is hard for you that you do not have the immediate support of your children, but if you are not living together with them, your decision may seem very sudden and rash to them, because they can't see the true pain you are going through, nor the time and effort and thought you went through to make your decision, so give them the benefit of the doubt, and time to come around. I am sure, once you have had the surgery and regained your health, they will realize this was the best thing for you, but you do need to give them the chance to see how things really are for themselves. Also, when people oppose the decision of others, very deep inside--often without being conscious of it--they are afraid of the impact that decision will make on their own lives, not yours. They are going to need time to deal with that, whether it affects their lives or not. The best you can do for now is tell them that even if they are against your having WLS, you would be grateful if they will accept the fact that you are the only one who can decide what is best for you, and will be there when you need their support in particular. (((((((HUGS))))))))) Keep your head high, you are the only one who can decide for yourself, so be proud of it, and be confident that you will be able to make your tool work. Wishing you the best, keeping you in my prayers. __________________ "In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun." Last edited by DocSanae : 02-09-2007 at 07:13 AM. Reason: Oops, bugger spelling miss :-P

02-08-2007, 08:40 PM	#4 (permalink)
colosn0w Big Loser Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Snowy Colorado Posts: 171 Weight Statistics 11/13/06 Start Date: 3/27/2007 Surgery Date: Please Enter Height: 227 lb Start Weight: 165 lb Current Weight: 127 lb Goal Weight: 62 lb Weight Loss: 38 lb Lb Left to Lose: 27.3127753304 % % Lost: before I am 60 (3 1/2 yrs) Goal Date: Weight Loss Method Roux en Y Gastric Bypass	You guys are amazing! Thank you so much for the support. Doc, everything you said made sense. By the way, I not only sent this website to my children, I sent the link to all 20 people who were in my WLS class at Kaiser. I am feeling better about it now, AND, I just figured out how to put the tickerfactory with my signature...YEAH! Now I am just counting down the days to surgery (March 27th). But first, on the 12th of March, I go on vacation to Memphis...Graceland, Elvis, p-nut butter and banana sandwiches(this is the last time...I swear). Thank you for this wonderful place to come and feel comfortable. Love you all! __________________ colosn0w aka Donna

02-09-2007, 01:24 AM	#5 (permalink)
beckamarie Seasoned Veteran Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Hawaii Posts: 2,957 Blog Entries: 2 Weight Statistics 07/23/2007 Start Date: July 23, 2007 Surgery Date: 5' 2" Height: 230 lb Start Weight: 125 lb Current Weight: 115 lb Goal Weight: 105 lb Weight Loss: 10 lb Lb Left to Lose: 45.652173913 % % Lost: June 23 2008 Goal Date: Body Mass Index 42.0629552549 BMI Start: 22.860301769 BMI Current: 21.0314776275 BMI Goal: Weight Loss Method Roux en Y Gastric Bypass	Welcome and I am happy you feel better __________________ http://beckasworld.blogspot.com/



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02-09-2007, 04:29 AM	#6 (permalink)
fr1endly2 Seasoned Veteran Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: SOMEPLACE LONG ISLAND, NY Posts: 6,755 Weight Statistics June 1, 2005 Start Date: Please Enter Height: 310 lb Start Weight: 167 lb Current Weight: 159 lb Goal Weight: 143 lb Weight Loss: 8 lb Lb Left to Lose: 46.1290322581 % % Lost: Body Mass Index 51 BMI Start: 27 BMI Current: Weight Loss Method Roux en Y Gastric Bypass	YOUR sound very positive DONNA! ENJOY that trip !! and your surgery date will be here before you know it. So glad your feel comfy here and we are here for all your pre op and post op q's and support needs!! hugs __________________ LISA http://w5.photobucket.com/widgets/dy...164/fr1endly2/ LAP RNY Gastric Bypass

02-09-2007, 06:48 AM	#7 (permalink)
CherishMeForever Guru In Training Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Upstate, NY Posts: 285 Weight Statistics 1-22-07 Surgery Date: Please Enter Height: 225 lb Start Weight: 154 lb Current Weight: 125 lb Goal Weight: 71 lb Weight Loss: 29 lb Lb Left to Lose: 31.5555555556 % % Lost: Body Mass Index 41 BMI Start: 31 BMI Current: 29 BMI Goal: Weight Loss Method Roux en Y Gastric Bypass	Hi Donna.....when I started my quest to have a gastric bypass....man oh man did I get negative "support".....At work there was this other nurse who I would have toget report from each night when I went in and she always blasted me....but yanno what I did? I made sure she never saw how much her negative words hurt me and I covered it up with humor...she finally gave up. I also got some negativity when I went to my first support group meeting. There was these two girls sittin infront of me....they turned around and said they couldn't believe I was gonna have the surgery because they said I was too small (mind you at the time I was 235.....BUT I worked out alot and didn't look like I weighed that much)....and again....I turned it around and ...laugh and told them I am glad they wen't on the insurance board that approves people for this type of surgery, LOL! After that I just went to another local hosptial support group meeting and yanno what??? I liked it even better, LOL! So, like I have said before....I live by the motto: out of everything bad comes something good and if you focus on that good then you will be OK!! This whole process will make you stronger....stronger in ways you never even expected. You have to do what is best for you....they will come around! Hugs, Valerie** __________________ Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless !!**

02-09-2007, 07:32 AM	#8 (permalink)
DocSanae Super Moderator Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Tokyo, Japan Posts: 8,032 Blog Entries: 2 5' 5" Height:	Graceland?! Elvis?! Oooh, I soooo envy you!!! __________________ "In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun."

02-09-2007, 08:32 AM	#9 (permalink)
mike WLS Master Guru Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: i live in wisconsin Posts: 566 5' 5" Height: 30 BMI Goal:	Well, colosnOw....... I just have one thing to say. YOU HAVE TO DO THIS FOR YOURSELF, AND NOONE ELSE. It is time for you to be a little bit selfish, as a mother. As harsh as that may sound. I am betting that your kids are scared for you. Not an abnormal feeling for them. My wife was totally against me having it done, along with everyone else. I got absolutely no support before my surgery from anyone. At first, I started to second guess myself on whether or not to have it done, if soooooo many people were against it. Then, I thought to myself, and asked myself this question. Why am I having this surgery? I came up with many many good reasons on why I should have it done-High blood pressure, High cholesterol, Sleep Apnea, etc. That is when I realized that I was going to do this for myself, no matter what anyone else had to say about it negatively. After my surgery, and I was doing well, the wife started giving me compliments, and LOTS OF SUPPORT. I could not have done it without her. Your children will come around to, as my wife did. It is a big decision to make, but one that has far greater pros than cons. Come to think of it, I can't really think of any major cons. It is a decision that I would do all over again, given the chance. HANG IN THERE KIDDO. They will come around once they realize that you are going to do this with, or without their support for now. Not to mention, it is going to make mom a much healthier person because of it. You seem like you need a GREAT BIG WLS forums HUG! Stay strong. , and keep us posted. mike

02-09-2007, 11:41 AM	#10 (permalink)
colosn0w Big Loser Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Snowy Colorado Posts: 171 Weight Statistics 11/13/06 Start Date: 3/27/2007 Surgery Date: Please Enter Height: 227 lb Start Weight: 165 lb Current Weight: 127 lb Goal Weight: 62 lb Weight Loss: 38 lb Lb Left to Lose: 27.3127753304 % % Lost: before I am 60 (3 1/2 yrs) Goal Date: Weight Loss Method Roux en Y Gastric Bypass	Mike, Valerie, Doc, Thank you so much! I am positive about what I have learned and best of all is the support HERE. I know I can come to a group of kindred spirits ANYTIME with ANYTHING and will be received openly and unbiasly (is that a word???) you know what I mean. (Maybe it is a Bush word...teehee) I'll keep you posted. (((HUGS ))) back at ya! __________________ colosn0w aka Donna

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