[aldonza]

Hi,

So, it seems like this forum is primarily made up of people who have had/will have/are considering WLS. I'm not; but my girlfriend just had gastric bypass, and I have some questions for friends/family of people who have undergone surgery.

I have an eating disorder (bulimia, mostly) and I've been in treatment several times, and am generally trying to keep myself together. My girlfriend just had the surgery a few days ago (and is doing well! yay!) and I'm having massive difficulties already. I want to be as supportive as possible- I'm glad that she's had this opportunity, and I want her to be able to make full use of it. I want the focus to be on her right now, where it should be- she's the one making major life changes and taking on this challenge.

At the same time though- I am so insanely jealous. I've spent the past few days immersed in eating disorder behaviors, eating just enough to function. I'm scared. I don't know how to deal with someone else eating in what would be an incredibly disordered pattern (had they not just had surgery) and losing weight so rapidly. It's triggering. I don't want her to know though, and I don't want to let it affect her- she's got plenty to deal with just with herself right now.

I'm not really sure how best to find other people who have been in a position similar to mine, but I desperately need advice on how to help support her, while not hurting myself. Any thoughts?

Thanks for your time = )

[ANSLEY]

You are in a tough spot it sounds like. Considering you know you have had/have an eating disorder you need to get help. her journey will be tough on you without it. My husband (who doesnt have an eating disorder) still has a hard time seeing me eat 1/2 cup of food and being done. Also when I eat to fast ot overeat and have to throw it up it realy bothers him. Find a councelor and get these feelings sorted out. good luck

[bluedelight]

We all had eating disorders and our eating disorders affected our ability to function and our health, increasing the likelihood of a shorter and less productive life.

The majority of us tried to deal with loosing weight from time to time on our own, everything from self-prescribed diets to weight loss programs to some form of exercise to over-the-counter or prescribed medications.

In the end we needed and sought medical intervention because we were of the group of people who for whatever reason were not going to have long term success any other way.

You may very well be at that stage and trying to deal with a problem that will affect and is affecting your lifestyle and your probability of living a long and healthy life and as such it is time for you to reach out for medical intervention.

There is nothing wrong or weak about asking for and receiving professional help.

It is valiant that you want to help your friend who just underwent wls but when you are dealing with your own eating disorder you are hardly the right person to give her the type of help she may need from you. Your heart is in the right spot but you can't support her in the way she needs right now and to be perfectly honest your needs now exceed hers because she has a 'tool' (smaller stomach) to deal with her demons of food addiction.

Here is the best way to help her, refer her to this forum.

The best way to hep yourself is to research what insurance coverage you have to cover the cost of having a professional assist you in overcoming your eating disorder and getting that advice and help.

Best of luck.

[Perfesser]

You must be an incredible person to put your friend above your own needs as you are. As much as she needs help, though, I agree with blue. In your present situation, you just aren't the ideal support system. Take care of her by sending her to us. You can still support and love her, but she has needs and concerns that you will never fully appreciate. We live it, you've read about it.

Ever taken a flight in a plane and heard the flight attendant tell you to put your own oxygen mask on before taking care of your kids' masks? The reason for that is that if you put them ahead of you in a crisis, the crisis may overwhelm you before you can finish tending to them. That's where you are now.

Our experiences here tend more to the opposite end of the ED spectrum than anorexia or bulimia. But there are numerous resources out there, certainly professional, possibly a list such as this one. Just like your friend has unique needs you aren't equipped to handle, you have needs that she or we can't take care of.

Why don't you come out in the open, 'fess up to her, tell her what you're going through and then the two of you unite against a common enemy. She has already faced many of her demons just by going through the approval process and having surgery. She is ahead of you there, and is, possibly for the first time, experiencing the thrills of success. That's where you need to be.

My wife had a hard time watching me melt away. She saw the apparent ease (it looks easy, but it's not!!) with which I shed a massive amount of weight, and although she wanted to be supportive, it was hard to be an observer of success when she needed her own victories. She resolved the conflict by taking the same route I did, and fifteen months after my surgery, she had hers. With both of us working together to conquer our eating problems, we were united in a common cause.

You may be at opposite ends of the ED scale, but you need her to support you in your lonely struggle every bit as much as she needs you. Other resources should be brought in for whatever specific expertise you need, but the love and support of two people working together is far more powerful and successful than giving her the portion of your help that you can spare while denying her the blessing of helping you.

Good luck. It's not easy, but it is sooo worth it!!

CT

[SummerBreeze]

some excellent answers and suggestions from the above posts...just be there for her, love her, help her and be glad she will be healthy, and yes ofcourse get some counseling for yourself hun..good luck

[aldonza]

Thank you all so much for your kind words and advice!

A couple of the suggestions I do already have in place- I have a treatment team on an outpatient basis, and I will, in all likelihood, enter a residential ED program as soon as I get out of college for winter break. My girlfriend knows about this (I told her from the start that I'm bulimic), I just...didn't want to tell her that this specifically was making things harder for me, since I didn't want her to feel that it was her fault, or that I resent the progress she's making.

It's definitely a good idea to suggest that she join this forum. I know how helpful it can be to have support groups made up of people who really do understand the ins and outs of what you're dealing with. I'll probably wait a few days, delete my post here, and then give her the link here (I strongly believe in keeping online support groups separate and private for the person who's using them- if she's open to the idea, I'd like this to be her space, and she can share only what she wants with me).

It will be harder to actually ask her for any support specifically with this. I think I might seek outside support primarily for a while, and give her a chance to get a little more settled in her new path and lifestyle. This is really new for her, and I don't want to jeopardize her success. But I suppose I will have to (and should) bring it up after a little bit, and we can hopefully figure out a plan that will work for the two of us together.

Thank you all

[Perfesser]

You do NOT have to tell her that this latest challenge is related to her. Life happens. Just tell her that things have gotten a bit out of hand lately. She knows you've been struggling with it - if she asks specifically if it's related to her, you can tap dance around the cold truth without telling a lie!!

CT

[susabean]

My oldest daughter has ocd and from this developed anorexia two-three years ago. She was in and out of residential treatment for a year, and now weighs a pretty healthy 136. (she's 5'4"). This is from her lowest of 89-90.

I had a hard time deciding to have this surgery, in large part because I was afraid I would trigger her. I watched her like a hawk, didn't "brag" about my weight loss to anyone within her hearing distance (downplaying it if anyone commented in her hearing)....and explained every step of the way what I was doing and why. She commented frequently that I ate like an anorexic and she worried that I was bulimic if I did throw up. For her, she was worried that *I* was becoming anorexic!

Speed up to today...there is 10 pounds between us and she is triggered big time. She doesn't like being the size she is, she sees me as smaller than her (which I am decidedly NOT), and she is flirting with restricting, counting calories, etc and is starting to struggle. She has a boyfriend that loves her build, and she mentally knows she's fine....but I am pushing for her to get some sort of counseling as she openly tells me she feels the tug and pull of Ed. We are now looking for a support group for her that fits into her schedule, she's seeing the doctor and we are trying to get her back into counseling...sort of against her will and sort of with her blessing. :>/

Ed is a person in our family...an abusive boyfriend of sorts and he effects me and he effects susa....different ways, but end result...poor health, poor self image, no control. Your girlfriend is doing what she can to kick Ed to the curb, and her treatment revolves around making food less her friend and more her fuel, losing the excess weight, and establishing a healthy relationship with food. YOUR treatment revolves around making food your fuel and less your control, gaining/maintaining healthy weight, and establishing a healthy relationship with food. Right now the two goals seem at odds with each other...and in some ways they are. BUT...when she is further out and eating more, she will eat meals that look in many ways much more "normal" than what you're seeing now....I'm 9 months out and unless someone knew I had surgery they wouldn't know it by how I eat. They would just think I eat VERY healthy and that I eat small to normal portions. At THAT point you both may be able to be a good support to each other, but for now, you may need to distance yourself from the support role and get the support YOU need to avoid Ed's siren call. Ed is like an abusive boyfriend...I'm telling you! He will promise anything to get you back, make you feel in control and "loved", give you the "gift" of weight loss, whatever...then WHAM! You're back into that cycle of abuse. DON'T LET IT HAPPEN. The relapse rate for anorexia is high...being aware and stopping it before it happens is important in not relapsing. YOU CAN DO THIS.

I remember when Susa was in residential treatment I thought the way they wanted her to eat was abnormal and unhealthy....she had to eat every bite of what they served, the meals seemed rather large, and if she couldn't eat it she had to have supplements. No grace, no mercy...the staff was in control. This is similar to gbp surgery...to the outsider the way we eat (especially at first!) looks abnormal...maybe even unhealthy....no grace, no mercy...the pouch is in control. What looks like anorexic behavior is actually part of treatment....if you can wrap your mind around that emotionally it *might* help with the triggers, but it's hard when everything within you is screaming "TRIGGER"! Get some help, get a support group, and feel free to write me if you feel the need.

You will overcome ED just like your girlfriend will overcome ED. Ed's time with any of us is over and we need to do whatever we need to do, get whatever support we need, use any tools we can to kick Ed to the curb. He's abused us, used us, harmed us and hurt us too many times for ANY of us to take him back...least of all you.

YOU CAN DO THIS.....YOU CAN!!!!! YOU CAN!!!!!

Saying a prayer for ya now....


One day, one bite at a time. One day....one meal.....one bite....you can do this.

xoxo

[judijo]

It is so wonderful to see you are so supportive of your friend and seek help in her as well as your own continued recovery.

Too often we get stories from "our own" about how friends with their own eating issues do whatever is necessary to attempt to sabotage our recovery efforts. Your honesty is refreshing.

Thank you for sharing your story. And thanks to the others too! It is nice to know every angle of this crazy disorder we all deal with.

[DocSanae]

Welcome to the board, thank you for joining us.
Keeping you both in my prayers.
(((((HUGS))))) May your respective journeys go well.