[TheRainbowsEnd]

Well it is finally done. We have come to the conclusion that our 22 year marriage is finally over. We are just figuring out the logistics and then going our own way. I feel sad, depressed, frightened and yet thrilled at the same time. And I am not eating at all. I just don't want food at all which is a huge change for me when I am under stress. Now to deal with the anger at me from the kids..Pray for me they will come around.


ONTO THE NEW LIFE AND THE NEW ME!!!!!!! GOD THIS IS SO SO SCARY!

[SummerBreeze]

Oh kim I been in your shoes before, yes it is scary, but you can do this ! It been obvious your not happy in the way you deserve to be happy, you definetly have given this alot of thought, so now its time to do what your heart says, I wish you and you husband the best and hun the kids will understand in time, maybe sooner than you think, love ya,

annie~

[mj2903]

You gave it a valiant effort over the past several months. You know you tried to salvage the relationship and when it is time to throw in the towel. You will be fine. You have come too far to let this get you down. And give the kids time, they have to sort through their own losses at this time.

I pray that they will come around soon.

[MsVickie]

Footprints in the sand honey. Remember that. We are here for you.

[Perfesser]

My mother did the same thing back in the mid-60s, when nobody was getting divorced. She put up with the societal stigma and crap of being a "divorcee" in a married world, with two teenagers to take care of. She did what she had to do, and she never looked back. Subsequent events proved just how right she had been to do it. She just couldn't live under those conditions any more, and after trying everything to make it work and running into his resistance at every turn, she mustered all her courage and made a better life for the three of us. Took a long time before my older sister came around to see it that way, though, but she did in the end.

Good luck!! We're rooting for you!!



CT

[nht2010]

its very sad time for you,but in time u know you have done the right thing for you!your kids will come around give them time,all the best for the future im sure will be bright.x

[not quite Barbie]

I left my first husband after 10 years of misery, my kids were 8 and 9 and it was the toughest thing I've ever done in my life. I lost all kinds of weight because I was so stressed out - scared, but excited too, so I understand what you are feeling. Anyway, I picked a really bad time to strike out on my own - national unemployment was in the teens, and Ohio had a 33% unemployment rate. I couldn't find a job anywhere and ended up going in the Army for a 3 year tour, which meant I had to sign over custody of the kids to their dad. Talk about social stigma!

My ex and his new wife told the kids constantly that I left because of them and didn't want them, and I'm half the world away and unable to talk to them and let them know that it was untrue. Finally came home to the US and my older son pushed me away when I tried to hug him. Still the most painful memory of my life. My "baby" came to live with me but his older brother stayed with dad.

It's taken years to rebuild the relationship with my older son, but it IS rebuilt and he knows that I love him. Their dad on the other hand, doesn't bother to visit or call them or anything. They had to practically beg to visit him last Christmas (which is the first Christmas they've been on this side of the country in over 10 years!). We've talked about the divorce and why I left and THEY tell ME what they saw as kids and how they see why I had to leave to save my sanity.

Kim, I'm sharing this to let you know that the pain and guilt will be there for a long time, but you can and will rebuild your relationships with your children. It may take awhile for them to grow up enough to understand the adult view, but they know now, even though they might not admit it to themselves, why you have to end it. They aren't blind, they've been living through it too. They're just scared of the future, like we all are. Hang in there lady and do what you have to do.

[TheRainbowsEnd]

I am sitting here bawling because I feel so so bad. I just can't seem to love him. It's not there and hasn't been for years. He has been trying so hard but I can't seem to turn on that magic switch. I have been trying so hard and it is not there. I am getting no hours at work as things are slow and I am new as you all know. He is talking about going out West where our daughters are. I don't want him to go there. I don't want him wallowing and bringing the girls down. They are doing so well.

Last night I crawled into bed with him after we have finally agreed it is over. I just laid there next to him..because I am so frightened. What a huge mistake. I can't send these mixed signals it is so not fair. I don't love him like I should..but it doesn't mean I don't love him. Do you get what I mean? I am not in love with him. That sounds insane. It's like there is so much history and we both know it's time to go but neither of us has the courage. He is now saying he will stay till spring as he has two jobs and then go.

I feel like I am in an impossible impossible situation here. I have no where else to go other than my children and that is not an option and he knows this. So he is trying to hold on now by saying he doesn't want to leave me in a deperate situation but I know it's in his mind that if he just holds on I will change my mind.

I am thinking about going to a womans shelter for a month but just keep thinking I don't want to leave my home again. I left last October and shared an apartment with another woman. It was fine. I just need to get more work. So this week I am concentrating on job hunting again. If I can find full time work I can manage the place on my own.

It's not like he is being mean or abusive because he is not. He just does not want to let go. God this all sounds so crazy to me reading this.

Something has to give here.

P.S. The damn scale has not moved in weeks!!!!!! Not that is really matters in the midst of all this chaos but you would think God might show me some mercy and at least give me half a pound! laughing

[not quite Barbie]

That's how I got through the 10 miserable years - telling myself he was a good man. He went to work everyday and brought his paycheck home. He didn't drink, he didn't cheat, he WAS verbally abusive and I was afraid of him, but a lot of that was because the "in love" feeling just wasn't there and he felt it and it made him angry. You can't fake emotions, you can't make yourself feel something that's not there.

You CAN ask yourself if loving him as a person, but not feeling passion, is enough. The hot, crazy passion of early love doesn't last; it's what comes afterwards that determines if the relationship lasts or not. Is it enough, or are you miserable? That's what you've got to decide.

My ex and I stayed together for a period after we agreed to divorce. I was trying to find a job and a cheap place to live. The tension got worse everyday as he kept trying to convince me to stay, and then getting angry when I would not change my mind. I finally moved out and in with my sister until I could get my own place because I couldn't take the rising tension and I knew it was going to get physical if I didn't get out. LOL, the day I packed my car he finally took that swing at me ... and missed and hit the doorjamb. I left laughing.

You aren't crazy. Everything you are describing is exactly how I felt during this period. Questioning myself - why couldn't I make myself love him like he deserved? He was a good man, he was trying so hard, etc, etc. What was wrong with me? It wasn't that I wanted to be single, to date someone else. I just needed to be me, not "Jim's wife" or "Mom" but ME, Barb. Why couldn't I be happy with what I had? I don't know if I found the answers to the questions exactly, but I did find relief from whatever was driving me as soon as I got out of there and started on my new life.

Why CAN'T you live with the girls for a little while? Maybe you should consider going out west. What's holding you where you are? Maybe that's the plan that God has for you - to relocate? Maybe that's why the job isn't working out. Like I said, I ended up going in to the Army OMG! Try going through basic training at age 29. LOL my drill SGT was younger than me, my Company Commander was younger than me. I didn't fit their mold at al. They were set up to deal with teenagers fresh out of high school. Here I was having owned my own home, ran a household, budget. Made major purchases. LOL and all they wanted was for me to keep my little bunk area clean and make my bed - EASY. That and do all kinds of physical challenges - not so easy. Anyway, it was the hardest thing I've ever done, but it so changed my path in life.

You are facing a Y in the road, and you don't know what's down either path so how do you choose? For me, I would just pick one and say to myself "Ok, this is what I'm going to do". Then I would wait and just see what my gut reaction was. If I felt relieved, it was good. If I felt upset, sorry, it was bad and I'd go back to that Y and choose the other path. I think you've made the first decision taking the path of divorce, but you're afraid to take those first steps down that path because you know the other path is "safe", you know what it will be like if you stay. Maybe not so happy, but safe. Is that enough?

Darn girl, you've really touched me. I soooo feel for you. Can't start crying here at work, what will the guys think?

[judijo]

Just gonna chime in and say I am sorry, and hang on for a hard ride, but you will come out just fine, I am convinced. ((HUGS))