[elizabeth39]

Hello everyone I have a situation and I need advice its not about wls but all my friends r on this site I have to tell a personal story first . I was molested by my grand father when I was 7 to 10 yrs old I never told anyone til I was 16 yrs old I told my mom she didn't believe me. The abuse is the root of my addiction to food. The issue now is my grandfather got seriously ill friday he's not doing good. I don't know how I'm suppose to feel. I'm not sad inside I'm thinking he's paying for my abuse. I'm not happy either. I'm sad for my mom and my family. He didn't treat me like a grand child I didn't have that relationship. Can anyone help. I was seeing a therapist but my baby has been in the hospital so I had to cancel my appts. I know I need to see her but I turned to my group on RR until I can see her sorry to be a pain. I don't want to be hard hearted what can I do?

[kiwi-leelee77]

Hrmmm. Its a tough one hun. I am going to have a think as there are a couple of ways you can go about this. *bighugs* back soon

[sara5214]

I don't really know what to tell you on this one either, except just to pray and ask God to show you the way he would have you to handle things. I had some ill feeings toward my Grandmother for a lot of years and I can tell you the day I forgave her for what she had done and hateing her for so many years, I felt such a liberating releif inside of me. Now I never talked to her about me forgiving her it was just me and God! I HAD to do it for ME! Not for her! She had to live knowing what she had done and it was up to her and God for Her forgiveness. Now it was not where as serious as what your Grandfather did to you. I will be keeping you and your family in my prayers!!

[kiwi-leelee77]

Ok. I hope I dont offend you, upset you, or anything else like that ok? These are just my thoughts that are crashing around.
You know my story? So I am going to go at your horrid prob 2 ways.
1. You can refuse to have anything to do with him and that as far as im concerned is your right.
2. You can forgive him. For you. an aside to that would mean you can support your mum through this.

So. number 1 is fairly straight forward I think.
Number 2 however, is not.
As a young girl you delt with this massive problem the only way you could. Without the support of your mum, and I have to say this, but no parent wants to think their dad could of done it, but you should not have been swept aside and not supported. It is a terrible,terrible thing esp for a child to go through.
You have battled through your young life, and everytime you ate, you were adding another layer of support to yourself. Think along the lines of "if im fat, it wont happen.." or something similar.
Everytime you have had something emotionally hard to deal with, you have probably done this same thing. Your emotional coping strategies stopped growing when you were a little girl, it was replaced by the layers of protection you put up against the world and kept on putting up into your adulthood as you didnt know any other way to cope. Its a vicious circle because every time you looked in the mirror, what did you see? Possibly a terrified little girl staring back at you. And so it went on.
You have come to a point in your life where you decided that enough was enough. You got help for your weight, the WLS, and, good woman, you are seing a professional to help with your emotional issues.
Now, something has happened, your abuser, your grandfather, is sick. (He is probably old and may be looking at the door to the next world soon??).
You have come to a roundabout in your life road. You can either go around the roundabout, clean up past issues and swing back and carry on, or you can bypass all that and keep to the straight road.
This brings us to your question: Do I support my family? or do I support myself?
You will never forget what he did to you. That kind of thing stays with us. But you can make it a lesser part of your life. The physical aspect of eating has been "taken care of", now, how bout that little girl? Can she step up and forgive him? She doesnt have to tell him. Just has to "let the pain go", easier said than done, but thats what you have a therapist for , or, She can walk into that room, look him in the eye and say to him that she forgives him.. She might not actually forgive him, but it might start the process so she can heal.
You do understand that it wasnt your fault aye? A child is an innocent who should never ever be harmed like that. Never. You did what you could do, all you could do, and you were left standing there. If you need to forgive yourself for not doing more, then you must do that. You did all you could.
Right.
So it comes down to the 2 questions at the top.
1. do you walk away? or
2. do you try and forgive and let your mind and soul heal?

I really feel for you being in this position. Its not an easy situation for you.

I really hope I havent crossed any lines or upset you. But you asked and Ive tried to be clear...not sure if I succeeded..

Keep in touch and I hope everything works out for you. And Thank-you for sharing such a tragic part of your life.
*HUGSHUGSHUGS*

[kiwi-leelee77]

Thanks for the PM E. *BIGHUGS*

[laughingpainter]

LeeLee you always good advice.
I was in the same situation except it was my own dad. I wouldn't be able to go to my dad. I've tried previously to accept and forgive, however, I've learned that he is the same person that did the things he did. Some people can change, maybe your grandfather is one of the ones that has changed. I hope he has for your sake. At this point, even if my dad has changed (he is almost 80 now) I don't I think that I would be able to forgive him for all that he has taken away from me.
I really feel for your situation. I've already made my decision for when that time comes, I don't want anything to do with him. My daughter has never seen her grandfather and she never will.

[MichelleA]

I come from a similar background, and it dictated my whole life for many years until I worked through it.

The first thing you need to know is that there are no rules as to how you are "supposed to feel."

The second thing is that you owe him nothing.

The third thing is that you owe it to yourself to do what is safe and right for you. No one else can dictate what that is. It's your call.

And the fourth thing is that whatever your decision, it is not hard-hearted. Hard-hearted is hurting a child, particularly in a fashion that will affect that child for the rest of her life.

You do what's right for you. You have likely had good instincts your whole life, whether you chose to trust them or not. You should probably trust them now to tell you what is safe and what is right for YOU, not for how you think others will think.

As usual, I agree with what Leelee said, but with one exception.

Originally Posted by kiwi-leelee77

So I am going to go at your horrid prob 2 ways.
1. You can refuse to have anything to do with him and that as far as im concerned is your right.
2. You can forgive him. For you. an aside to that would mean you can support your mum through this.

The choices are not either/or.

You can choose to do both.

Please understand that forgiveness is something we do for ourselves, not something we do for other people. I happen to think that the phrase "forgive and forget" is among the stupidest sayings ever uttered. To do that would be dangerous in many cases. Forgiveness is what I did in order to get on with my life and to take back the power I had given him all those years that what HE did to ME made me hate myself and fear everyone else. Forgiveness is usually the best idea, because grudges/hatred is toxic, and worse yet, it is toxic to the one carrying it.

Remember, whatever you decide is probably the right decision for your life.

(I hope this wasn't too disjointed. I kept having to stop and figure out how to say what I wanted to convey in a public forum.)

[dixieladybug]

We will talk tomorrow face to face my dear friend. You know I love you.

[SummerBreeze]

Do what is best for you, not what others expect hun..Know your choice is nothing you can go back and change though, just as if he could change what he did he cant... so do what you can live with. Your a good person, a good mother and a good daughter, I am so sorry your mom refuses to see her dad for the man that he is, perhaps he molested her too and she cant face the facts, did you ever think of that
My mom was molested when very young like you and yet when I went to her in my 40s to say ya know my brother molested me when very young and tried to rape me when iwas 16 ( he was 3 1/2 yrs older than me ), she could not ever completely accept it, I think she knew down deep it was true, but she knew he was not a socially well adapted person and so she chose to always baby him to protect him ( plus he denied it and said it must have been my step dad cause I was a daddies girl )..Me I was strong and succesful, I guess she didnt think I needed hearing her say I am so sorry he did this to you...I needed it I never got it and you may never get it..for what reasons you may never know sadly..I accepted mine to my brother was the weakest link so she coveted him until the day she died, she expected me to take care of her and I did, but yes it hurt that I never felt she belived me and believed him. I now see my brother on rare occasions in huge family gatherings not one on one, he is still in denial and will be until the day he dies, he dont like being around me cause of the truth comming out and I could care less on seeing him, I had to let part of that baggage go 14 yrs ago when I told my mom, the rest when I had my surgery, I finally came to see I had to forgive not forget and live my life for me not in the past..good luck sweetie and if ya ever need to pm ya got me on freinds list

PS: The one thing that really go tme was the day he told me I would be a much happier person if I wasnt FAT..perhaps I would not become FAT if this had not happen in my life ya know
Love ya !

annie~

[DocSanae]

I agree with MichelleA.
No need to feel guilty.
I think it's fine not to be able to feel for your grandfather himself. You need to preserve yourself.
Since you feel sad for your mother and her family, that is enough.