[Dr. Mel]

In other posts/comments, I have shared how I have the skinny sister that, well, really dislikes fat people. She has made comments about my brother's weight and how his "gluttony" has caused all of his problems (his BMI is 57 or 58). Well, she finally saw me yesterday when she came to pick mom up from a visit....

"You look great!" was her comments. You have to remember this is a person who has said things like when she and her husband married they "vowed not to gain weight" and "we don't eat sugar". I liked hearing the comments and affirmation, but also, was taken aback a tad. I'm still me...I mean my mind and soul are still Mel. The body is just shrinking in size.

She also said if I didn't loose another pound I looked perfect.

Again, I'm not sure how I feel about my skinny sister's comments. Part of me wants to take them as compliments and just let it go at that, and then again, there is another part of me that thinks "how dare she!" Again, this is my hang up...has been with my weight.

When I was *little* (young) I was overweight. After puberty hit, I lost a good 50 lbs. Girls and guys that wouldn't talk to me when I was "fat" were all of a sudden talking to me. I realized back then that I am *me* no matter what size or shape I am. This has really shaped who I am.

So, here I am, overweight instead of obese, and I'm still having those feelings of when I was younger...I am still ME. Now if she had gone on and on about me earning my doctoral degree, then that would be another matter, but she went on and on about my weight. It hurt in a way, but also felt good. I do not like being conflicted like this.

Anyway, at least I shared and got this off my chest. Has anyone else had issues like this? I mean, we go through life with each event shaping who we become. I was "comfortable" in my own skin on who I was, what I was doing, etc., but miserable with the weight. So I changed it. Now that I've changed it, I can joke around about how the outside of me is catching up with the inside of me, but then this comes along and makes me feel so conflicted. Sure, it is nice looking better, but that is not the reason that I had this surgery. I guess I want people to say good things about the real *me* and not just outside appearences.

Thanks for letting me vent....
Mel

[amymarie7905]

I am with you on this one! I had someone come up to me at the after prom party I helped to supervise last night and shake my hand and said "hi I am DR....so and so. I dont think I have met you before" Um yeah you have you used to be my doctor about 4 years ago.....HELLO! Why am I worth talking to now and wasnt before? It may have been an oversight because she is a frequent volunteer in her sons grade at school and I was with that class all last year and she seen me once a week but still frusterating!
Amy

[DogNamedBill]

Mel, I'm still trying to find the right words to respond to this post. My first reaction was "WHY are you letting your sister judge you?" What she thinks of you should not be the make-or-break of how YOU feel about yourself. I'm only saying this because my family is the SAME way!!!! I know this is easier said than done but take what she says with a grain of salt. I am soooo impressed by the fact that you are "Dr. Mel" and it shouldn't matter if you were 700lbs. or 100lbs. when you achieved that!!! You sister should be focusing on your successes in life rather than what size clothes you wear!!!!!!! Ahhhh...the joys of a non-supportive family member.

[Madison's grandma]

Wow your post echos what I feel almost EVERYDAY!! Last nite we went out to dinner and to the local club we like to go to, there are people that go there that i have known for 20 yrs and they went on and on last nite about how i LOOK!!!! i went to the bathroom with my girlfriend and said those EXACT words to her I AM STILL THE SAME MARY !!!!!!! It also takes me back to that feeling inside of not being good enough. I havent done all the great things you have Dr Mel ......but i am still married to the same man for 24 yrs and have raised 2 beautiful respectful children and now have 2 wonderful grandchildren not to mention went to school during raising my children and went back into the work force 16 yrs ago . So i have MORE to be PROUD of than the size of my cloths and how much i weigh. I just dont get people sometimes.......instead of asking me about my children and grands last nite they asked how much i weigh. sometimes i am in a mood of being so proud of how far i have come with my wls and ps ,but last nite it just chapped my a$$ , i wanted to show off pics of my grands not show off ME !!!!

WE WILL OVERCOME THIS AT SOME POINT I THINK !!! KEEP YOUR CHIN UP

much love
mary

[Perfesser]

There will come a time when they get used to the new look and the comments will slow and stop altogether. Some people crave the attention and have a hard time coping when they are no longer the center of attention. Personally, I was relieved when it happened! If you are still the same person, you can weather this storm of superficial adulation. If your self-image is too strongly invested in your outward appearance, if you believe what everyone's saying and think it's "you", then it can be a trying time when it stops.

Mary, do not ever judge your achievements in life by the highest degree earned!! Some of us took it all the way. I know quite a few who think that that is who they are. I think Mel probably knows a bunch too, but I don't think she is just a degree, and neither am I. We were fully functioning human beings before we went back to school, and now that we've survived the experience, we still are.

FWIW - you don't have to be terribly smart to get a PhD - just very persistent. I have known people with doctorates in engineering who couldn't pour water out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel!! Here at the university there are a lot of trained seals, balancing big balls of knowledge on their noses in front of their classes. I am glad I have 30 years in industry to give me credibility with my students. You can't fool them. They know the phonies. I wanted to teach, you need a PhD to get a job teaching, so I took 12 years and got one. You have accomplished great things that make society a better place. There's nothing in school or any workplace that can exceed or even match the value of good parents in a child's life!!



CT

[pretty woman]

Hey Mel,
I agree with all the posts. I remember 15? years ago I was on Phen-Fen. I lost quite a bit of weight. (I loved Phen Fen and would still be on it if wouldn't have killed me.)
I was teaching... and a dear friend said to me" YOu must feel really good about yourself now. Dont you feel great?"
This was a dear friend of mine.. and I think I said , "I have always felt great about myself... my inside is the same..my heart, my thoughts my emotions..only my outside has changed."
I am sure she meant this in the kindest way... but I was hurt. I let go of it.
We are still good friends and she doesn't experience being overweight herself.
I wonder how many people thought "that." Probably a lot.
As Perfesser said, to get a degree you need persistence. He is right...what you do with it is what counts.
I loved my career as a teacher.. loved my kids, their parents... and was named Teacher of the Year twice...as well as being acknowledged nationally for my work with the special needs population once I began working with learning disabled kids.
I was ..."chubby" most of that time... Not many people at my building have seen me recently.. (I retired and teach part time on the college level now.)
Oh well... must get some chores done.
Take care... kiss or kick your sis for me.

[Madison's grandma]

Originally Posted by Perfesser

There will come a time when they get used to the new look and the comments will slow and stop altogether. Some people crave the attention and have a hard time coping when they are no longer the center of attention. Personally, I was relieved when it happened! If you are still the same person, you can weather this storm of superficial adulation. If your self-image is too strongly invested in your outward appearance, if you believe what everyone's saying and think it's "you", then it can be a trying time when it stops.

Mary, do not ever judge your achievements in life by the highest degree earned!! Some of us took it all the way. I know quite a few who think that that is who they are. I think Mel probably knows a bunch too, but I don't think she is just a degree, and neither am I. We were fully functioning human beings before we went back to school, and now that we've survived the experience, we still are.

FWIW - you don't have to be terribly smart to get a PhD - just very persistent. I have known people with doctorates in engineering who couldn't pour water out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel!! Here at the university there are a lot of trained seals, balancing big balls of knowledge on their noses in front of their classes. I am glad I have 30 years in industry to give me credibility with my students. You can't fool them. They know the phonies. I wanted to teach, you need a PhD to get a job teaching, so I took 12 years and got one. You have accomplished great things that make society a better place. There's nothing in school or any workplace that can exceed or even match the value of good parents in a child's life!!



CT

Thanks so much for that Perfesser!! you must be an incredible husband.....as you always seem to know the right things to say to make us gals feel better!!! I look forward to the day too when the OMG conversations stop!! i am almost 2 yrs post op and still have those conversations daily. Sometimes the intrusive conversations are really a bore!!

much love
mary

[bertie]

I think, anytime someone changes something about themselves that is obvious it is noticed and acknowledged by others, whether it's hair color or style, or driving a new car, or achieving a weight loss, or whatever... .

But, I honestly think that most people mean well and are just acknowledging the difference in how you look. And Perfesser is right-- one day everyone will get used to how you now look and will stop commenting.... unless of course you decide to get a mohawk or something! LOL

[KeriM]

It is hard to respond to this post. I agree with everything that everybody has said. I had issues with my always skinny younger sister as well. So I can really relate to your situation. But mine unexpectedly died at the age of 40 in '09. So I would just give your sister a tight hug and tell her thanks for the compliments and let the rest of it all go.

[DogNamedBill]

Oh Keri! So sorry to learn about this!

Perfesser...I think I may have a slight internet crush on you!!!