[jb1958]

I posted a week or so ago that I had not been doing what I needed to do to lose for various reasons. I take responsibility for my own actions. My husband has gained about 70 lbs in less than a year. Almost as much as I have lost. We haven't had sex in weeks. I questioned him about it, he says it is because my ass is still too big! I am smaller than when he met and married me, while he is almost 100 lbs heavier. WTH! My feelings are so hurt, he says I just gave up trying to lose weight and he thinks I have gained a few pounds. I haven't gained, but admittedly, I haven't lost in awhile. He was suppose to go to the Y with me a few times a week, he hasn't. He was suppose to gently remind me to get on my gazelle and he hasn't. He was suppose to go for walks with me, he hasn't. He is a mechanic and works hard everyday, but he thinks since both of my jobs I have are sit down jobs, I have no reason to be tired and I get the impression that he thinks I should exercise from the time I get home until I go to bed. I have been back on track for a week or so now. Well, who is going to cook supper, clean the house, do the laundry? He won't talk to me about it (no sex) he says if I don't shut up about it and leave it alone he is going to leave. I asked him if he wasn't attracted to me anymore, why are we together. His answer...he says he loves me. He won't go talk to anyone, he won't get on this website and realize it is not all a bed of roses to lose weight. He doesn't understand stalls and I just don't know what to do. He tells me he loves me everyday, kisses me each morning and snuggles up to me at night. I am wondering if the problem is him. But he is only 37, I am older than him, but still......... I am almost to the point to throw the asshole out! Sorry, I had to say that. I need emotional support and I am not getting it from him. I have started back to support meetings, but we all know we need our spouses behind us 100%. Ok thanks for letting me vent.

[pretty woman]

Sometimes it feels good to just talk "echat" about it. You get to vent and we get to
support you.
I understand men's reluctance to go to counseling. But, you can go without him...
I did some short term counseling a while back... then asked DH to go with me once or twice to "help" me. And he did. We went a few times together and once there the counselor would say "Ok I talked to you, so get out.." (sit outside while I talk to DH is what she meant.) DH seemed to like the personal attention... she was a great counselor.
He has gained weight and your butt is too big?
Hmmm.
Anyway, this is my female point of view... perhaps you will hear from some of the guys.
Hang in there, ok? good luck.

[Perfesser]

Hmmm ... how to put this delicately ... oh, what the heck!! Here goes nothing!!

Is it possible that the physical limitations involved in the two of you getting together intimately are significant enough that it reminds him of his failure to follow through as he said he would? If, due to increased bulk, things just don't fit right, and he knows who's grown and who's shrunk, he may be experiencing frustration. He could take this out on you, as admitting his inability to perform is something most guys find difficult. By making it your fault, it soothes his mind in a twisted way. Sure, it's a lie, but sometimes people look for a lie to believe in to insulate them from the truth.

You aren't down to centerfold dimensions yet, but you've got to be a whole lot more flexible and versatile than you were 18 months ago. Meanwhile in that 18 months, he's bulked up and is more limited in his mobility. He promised to support you. He hasn't. His fragile male ego can't face the truth. No guy likes to think that a sexual performance problem is his own, so it must somehow be yours. I mean, who else is there to blame?

I'd be willing to bet that he needs a good counselor. Psychologically, he's got problems to work out and responsibilities to face. He'll never fix them by himself, and since it's your fault (in his mind), nagging him about it (and he will perceive it as such!) isn't going to help, either.

Add in a complication we have seen here before. If there is a basic flaw in the relationship, the guy (usually, but you can reverse the roles as needed, too) feels threatened by his wife's (girlfriend's) success, and thinks that she's doing it (weight loss, getting sexy, becoming more desirable) to attract someone else. In this mental scenario, the guy "knows" he's going to be dumped, so he can respond several different ways. 1) he can consciously make the relationship more difficult in order to precipitate the crisis and get it over with. When she tosses him out or leaves, it proves he was right. 2) he can make himself less desirable (as in weight gain or personal habits or behaviors), provoking the crisis, proving how right he was. 3) he can leave before he gets dumped, because he knows it's coming. That way he can say he didn't get dumped and it preserves his ego.

I'm not saying this is happening in your relationship. I am saying I've seen it happen a time or two on this list. If he refuses help, there may not be a happy solution.

How much is he aware of compliments you have been getting on your weight loss, especially from guys? Could there be any relationship in time between your peak praises and the start of his weight gain? Could it be that he is deliberately sabotaging your relationship to avoid his own insecurities and fears being realized?

No guarantees that I even know what I'm talking about here. Yes, I am a doctor, but my patients are metal and plastic. Motor vehicles are ever so much easier to diagnose and treat than humans!!

Good luck, sister!!

CT

[Madison's grandma]

Your post sounds too much like my life in 2009 .....read "my story" and you might read between the lines that you wrote here! I hope yours is not the same situation as mine was but it sounds hauntingly the same as what my life was like !!

Good luck girlfriend ....."you are not the problem" !!!!!!!!! He is!!!!!!!

Much love
mary

[amymarie7905]

Is there a chance that he is insecure about his weight gain and somewhere deep inside him he is afraid if you lose the weight you will be to good for him and leave him? It kinda sounds like he is trying to hurt you and push you away not to be mean or cruel but to protect himself from hurt. If he pushes you away so you are not as close you cant hurt him as bad? Just an idea!
Amy

[Perfesser]

For those of you less familiar with the search function, I thought Mary's story was important enough to look it up for you.

http://www.renewedreflections.com/fo...-my-story.html

CT

[KeriM]

Big Squishy Cyber Hug! I hope it all works out for you. I am dealing with some of the same issues and at times I hate the internet. Someday I will tell my story....but not today.

[DocSanae]

Sounds like his insecurity is showing. He needs help, but you bugging him can make things worse as da perfesser says. Is there anyone you can talk to? Your pastor for instance? Someone who can help both of you, without your DH feeling he's being pushed into a corner?

[kdsmiles]

good for you for reaching out! I know that took alot of courage!! You got some very wise advice here!! I have to agree that maybe it is him, and not you!! The only recommendation I would give you is... you made the decision to have the surgery now search within yourself to figure out why you didn't stay on track so that in the future you don't fall off the wagon again, per say.. Good Luck and Happy to hear your back on track now!! Wishing you tons of success

[not quite Barbie]

I very much agree with what's been said here .... except ....

One thing that really struck me was how much you are expecting him to keep you on track instead of being responsible for yourself. "He was suppose to go to the Y with me a few times a week, he hasn't. He was suppose to gently remind me to get on my gazelle and he hasn't. He was suppose to go for walks with me, he hasn't." I think you are putting the "blame" on him for any percieved failures and that's adding to his stress because men think that they have to fix everything. Whenever women "complain" about something the man thinks we're expecting him to make it better. We have to let them know that we don't expect them to fix it, just to understand what we're feeling. Your comments make me think that you DO expect him to fix it and that's a least a part of the problem.

Hope you aren't offended. I'm just pointing this out so you can see where maybe he's feeling pressure where he shouldn't be. This is YOUR journey. The success or failure is all on you, he's just along for the ride.