[alhayes]

I have only told two members of my family about the surgery and they are thrilled for me. There are others that I will never tell and really don't have to worry as we do not see each other more than once a year.

My husband is all for the surgery, but I have noticed some disappointment in his voice. I have been on the liquid diet and with surgery less than a week away, food is not an option. I hear in his voice when he mentions going out to eat and then realizing we can't. I try to reassure him that we will be able to share those times together again. He also needs/wants/tries to lose weight, but not on the same determination level as I. I fee like I will be leaving him behind though I do not want to. Perhaps that what he sees too and the reason for his disappointment. I know others have experienced this and could help me figure out a balance.

[Perfesser]

Sounds just like what I went through with Peanut before my surgery. We ate out a lot and she thought we'd never be able to again. She was worried that I would go shooting off with my weight loss and she'd be stuck in my dust. She was trying more visibly than I was to lose weight, but didn't have my determination.

Do it anyway!! Someone has to set the example and prove it can be done. Someone has to debug the process and show the other that there is life after WLS, and oh, what a good life it is!!

Peanut had been trying things that didn't work. We must have spent a small fortune on Slim-Fast and related products that didn't do anything worth bragging about. One day I stood her in front of our bedroom mirror, naked, and made her look at herself. I told her that what she was doing wasn't working, and I didn't care what she did, but please, please find something that works. (At the time I was down 100 pounds.)

She thought that due to medical problems she would not be able to have WLS. At my 6 month checkup, she mentioned that to the nurse, who challenged her assumption and showed her that it was wrong. Nine months later she had her RNY, and we've never looked back. (But she still says that if she had not been able to have chocolate again, she wouldn't have done it!! )

But she had to be shown that there was a way before anything else could happen. How many of us were ever told "you know, you really ought to lose some weight!" as if it was an original thought? Instead of just telling her to lose weight, I proved to her that a person could lose a large amount of weight (and still have chocolate!). She followed my example because everything else she had tried had failed.

You may need to have an intervention with your husband sometime down the road. Or he may see your example and just choose to follow it without you saying anything.

But if you don't do it, nothing will change. So ya' just gotta do it!!

On a related note - there may be fears he isn't talking about. Many husbands worry, when their wives get all thin and sexy following extreme weight loss, that other guys are going to hit on her and she may stumble. We've seen that happen here, but nowhere near as often as we see the fear of it. He may need a lot of extra reassuring that this won't tear you away. Just be sensitive that, if he has them, these fears are real to him, whether justified or not. Talk with him about it.

CT

[alhayes]

Thank you so much. You really confirmed some thoughts I was kicking around. I will go ahead with this and will also provide as much reassurance as I can. Thanks again.

[pretty woman]

Yep go ahead and do it.
I have told a few people about my surgery... the rest "I am on an Atkins-type weight loss plan." It shuts them up.
Anyway, my husband, also chubby, was wayyyyyyyyyy against it...telling me to try another diet.. or "I AM NOT ON BOARD WITH THIS AT ALL."
I was so confident it would be good for me I think I said "I hope you change your mind."
He did..he really came around and supported me through out the whole surgery and post op etc. And now, he has lost 20 lbs.
He was ok with not going out to eat as much at first... as long as there was something to eat. Post Op I seemed to like making dinners I couldn't or didn't even want to eat.. so between the two of us we licked the platter clean.
It WILL ALL WORK OUT. Trust me.
Good luck.

[Perfesser]

Peanut was not supportive when I first mentioned WLS to her. She didn't think I could do what it takes to make it work, and I'd be stuck somewhere in between. She refused to come with me to the information meeting and tried to talk me out of it. I quietly informed her that I was not asking permission, but I hoped she could support me. After I took her with me to meet the surgeon, she got on board. Same surgeon did her RNY eventually.

Funny story about that. I went with Peanut to her appointments. The day she met with the surgeon, he came in, walked over to me and introduced himself. I told him I knew who he was - I was one of his patients! He had to go to the computer and find out who I was and had been. I think it made his day when he saw how well I have done, and also that I was trusting my wife in his hands.

Keep the communication open with your husband, make him an integral part of this adventure. And when you start getting guys at work telling you how good you look, you don't have to run home and tell him! Some things shared are not helpful to insecurities, if present. Even as solid a marriage as we have, she has admitted to a few twinges of that green emotion when women were complimenting me on how good I was looking.

CT

[jb1958]

My husband is also big, we had the going out and grazing the buffet in common as well. I told him that he can have "date night" with his buddies and go grazing if he wanted because it would be a waste of money for me to go. He does go with his friends, but I go once in awhile. He doesn't want me to feel like I am wasting money going to the buffet with him. You are safe sticking with skinless chicken breasts and salad stuff once you can tolerate it. Most buffets even have sugar free cookies, I eat 1/2 one and only go to the buffet one time. It is just something to get used to. I just sit and wait on everyone else to finish eating and enjoy the converstation. Hang in there, it will work out.

[Dr. Mel]

I was surprised by my husband's actions. We had a strange situation. To finish my doctoral degree, I had to move to another part of the state. We saw each other every weekend. Well, the place where I lived had a bariatric surgery center. I decided to go for it. He was supportive, but to my surprise he got on the band wagon once he saw me starting to loose weight afterwards. I was 256 before surgery. He was 217. I am now 187 and he is 183. He did his weight loss by cutting out sugar and late night snacks. It has helped as he is making good choices going to the store. He still doesn't fully understand my diet requirements, but he is trying. Don't give up hope. My DH didn't really give me any grief, but I do think he wonders about me getting slim and have men hitting on me (although he does not verbalize it, he will ask who I'm talking to online, or if he sees a photo of a guy like on this website, who it is). Surgery is scary. The idea of your mate changing is scary. Best of luck.

Mel

[KeriM]

My husband has fully supported me during this process. However little things have started creeping in. Because not only am I changing on the inside I have also started changing on the outside. I have started wearing cuter clothes as well as doing my hair and makeup. He is trying to get used to that and every once in awhile he will tease me and ask me who I am getting all dolled up for. I just smile and say well for you silly. It works. He says I look great. You have to do this for you first and foremost.

[kdsmiles]

My hubby found out I was going to have WLS and began a diet immediately. He was 315 and to date he is 245. So he has lost 70 pounds. His goal is 210. He has been very supportive but made a couple of teases to me that when I lose the weight, I will leave him. He still forgets I can't have certain things and offers them to me and I say I am sorry I can't. We enjoyed cooking together and eating out which has changed, we now cook very little together but when we do go out, he will finish my plate for me.. Lol!! We both are healthier for it and our daughter I just wish I wasn't starting all over from the beginning with my phases because of the twisted bowel..Thank you Mr. Surgeon

[not quite Barbie]

This is going to be one of the hardest things you ever do in your life. The surgery is a piece of cake compared to all the mental/emotional stuff that happens on the journey. Marital difficulties happen a lot, and a lot of marraiges don't make it through.

Your husband is going to miss his "eating partner" and is going to have to find an alternative. My hubby gathers his "bad" foods (crab legs with a ton of butter, or buffalo wings and fires, etc) and heads to the family room to watch his favorite sports. He enjoys it now that he knows I'm not going to complain about what he's eating and I'm happy to not have to watch sports with him. It's our compromise.

We still eat out occasionally and I can find something to eat at any restaurant. But that's a long time in coming. You've got to get through the first year or more.

He's also going to have feelings that you won't want him after you get thinner. You need to always remember this and do a lot of reassuring. When men start complimenting you on how good you look, make sure you immediately do something to make your hubby feel safe - say something like "I'm doing it for him so he can have a skinny wife to show off" or something that will reassure him that he is still number one in your life. You've got to work it so you can get to the other side with your marriage intact, but it can be done.

Hang in there, it gets better every day.