[MJ Fan]

Okay, as I am sure a lot of you that have read my past posts on here know about my problems my parents and I have. My Mom has been remarried now for over twenty years and my Dad has been remarried for over twenty years. For those of you who don't know my weird family issues I have not spoken to my mom in over two years due to her verbal abuse from being an alcoholic in denial. I have not spoken to my Dad in 10 months.

Any way my Dad's older sister and I are really good friends. She keeps me up to date on her mom (my Grandmother). Since my Grandmother only has like two weeks left to live. My aunt said that my Grandmother would love to see everyone make peace before she goes. Meaning she has been worried about the fact my Dad & I no longer speak. So my aunt & I switched subjects and talked about other things for several more minutes.

Finally, I went back to the subject of my Dad I told her if for no other reason than to full fill my Grandmother's last wish I am going to email my Dad and ask if he would want to get together for lunch and start a new relationship as an adult relationship and not as child and adult relationship. I told him in the past I was childish, moody, immature and did deserve to be treated like a child even though I was grown up. I told him how everyone comments on my great changes I have made since loosing all of this weight. I also mentioned I am no longer childish, moody or immature due to the fact I am finally happy since I have lost so much weight.

I also told him in the past he did not respect my marriage and that I no longer have hard feelings toward him, my step mom or brother and if he wants to have lunch with me he will not have any hard feelings toward me or my husband and that he will respect my marriage just like I respect his marriage to my step-mom. I also told him I wanted to be just me and him that meet. I made it clear that I wanted my husband and my step-mom not to be apart of this lunch meeting.

So this Tuesday the 14th we are having lunch just me and him at a Mexican restaurants he likes providing his mother is well enough for him to leave her for a while all though her daughter will be with her. So that should not be a problem. But at least he let me know only if his mother is having a good day (you know pain wise).

Any way my aunt did say that he does know about the surgery I had (panic attack). I know she did not tell him since they hardly see each other. Since he & my step-mom stays with my Grandmother during the day and my aunt stays with her at night.

I am scared to death that my Dad will say at the restaurant "leave it to you to take the easy way out" or something to that effect. My Dad is just the type to say something and not realize it might hurt my feelings. What should I say if he says that? I just want to be prepared he may say that. But then again I expected his father to say that and it was just the opposite. My Dad's father was asking me genuine questions about my surgery and diet after surgery because he wanted to really know more about what I went through. Other than being scared of what my Dad might say about my WLS I am looking forward to seeing him again for the first time in 10 months.

I would appreciate if anyone can help me with tips on what to say if my Dad does say something negative about the surgery like it's the easy way out or something hurtful. I am also worried that when he sees I only eat 5-8 chips with just very little salsa on each chip and 5-8 bites of my taco salad he might say something negative. You know like "is that all you are going to eat you are starving yourself to death." But on the other hand he might be very proud of me. I love getting Taco salads since the Taco Salad lasts me 5-8 meals.

In case all of you are wondering how I know how much I will eat is because the restaurant we are going to is right next to my apartment complex and my husband & I have gone there like 3 times in the past two weeks. I also picked this restaurant since we don't have a car and I didn't want to have to ride to the restaurant and back with my Dad in case things didn't work out. Plus not only do I like the restaurant but so does my Dad. At least by walking there and back that helps burn off the meal. It's like a five minute walk.

About my relationship with my Dad there has only been one time in my entire 28 (29 years in September) that he has given me a compliment. That was like 3 years ago when I used my hair straightener to make my hair straight since due to my naturally curly hair I have frizzy hair so I like straightening it. It was the day after he saw me he said you looked great with your hair straightened. I was shocked. I am hoping so badly he will give me a compliment like that about my weight. If he does I will probably start crying.

[DocSanae]

(((HUGS))) The first thing to do is to stop worrying. Yeah, it's tough, but you can't control or plan anything actually, the only thing you can control is your reaction and the choices you make. So, make sure you make the choice that's right for you, not because someone might think this or that. Even with your Dad. Stand by the choice you made because it was the best one for you, not the best one for your Dad. What others think about it doesn't matter. Sure, it's going to hurt if he doesn't give you complements, but if it came between the choice of getting compliments from him by acting the way he wants you to act and so not being self assertive, and to stand up to your choice because you know you have better quality of life due to your choice, which will you choose?

There are a few things that you could say if you choose to.
1) It's for your health, you're under medical supervision for this, and your dr is 100% behind your choice.
2) It's a tool, only a tool. A very good one at that, but it's only a tool. 10% of the work, the physical part is done by the surgeon, but the remaning 90% is up to the person, and the choices one has to make, and reconstructing life after surgery is a very much mental exercise, very much the same as trying to lose weight without surgery. Besides, if one can lose only 10-20% with conventional diet and exercise and still have medical issues, then it's up to the person to choose whatever method the medical community has to offer. It's something that's certified by the medical community as an effective form of treatment, and the medical community requires high standards of the surgeons and hospitals that perform the surgery. Can a bystander without any comprehensive medical training trully appraise and appreciate all the hard work that goes into this from all concerned parties including the patient? Should be allowed to make a judgement on the patient's choice?

[ShawnC]

Hugs to you and just remember that no matter what he says you know the truth!! Stay strong you don't have to argue if nagative comments are made!! Be the adult in the situation! My dad was against mine (we don't have the best relationship) and I just told him that I will not come to him complaining about it so please don't come to me with negativity!! Keep youur chin up and have fun!! Hope it all works out for you!!

Also I am sorry to hear about your grandma you are in my thoughts and prayers!!

[tcgc0114]

I don't think I could have said it any better than the doctor. Try not to worry and focus on getting to know your Dad again. And don't get defensive about your decision to have the surgery - be confident that you had it done for YOU.

[lost]

Ditto with Doc. and I'm glad you reached out to him no matter what happens... Life is to short not to do the right thing, we can't control others but we can ourselves. and I realized most of my weight problem was due to not dealing with alot of family issues. so you may have helped that also.(smile) wishing you all the best, let us know how it goes.

[Perfesser]

http://www.renewedreflections.com/fo...y-way-out.html

http://www.renewedreflections.com/fo...y-way-out.html

http://www.renewedreflections.com/fo...-easy-way.html

MJ, you aren't the first to ask this question. Here are a few threads from the past on the subject.

Good luck!!



CT

[MJ Fan]

I just want to thank everyone for their kind supportive responses. Just last week my DH got me a new digital camera. I am having my DH take a picture of me today all dressed up in the outfit I am wearing tomorrow. Since a Dollar General is right across the street to our apartment we are walking over there after it cools off this afternoon to buy 2 photo frames to put the picture of me in. One is to give to my Dad and the other is for him to give to his parents. At least I all ready have photo paper.

Like all of you said I will try not to worry about his comments and I will just concentrate on getting to know my Dad again. I have missed him so much these past 10 months my DH just doesn't understand it. He says you are grown and married you don't need him. I said I know but I want a relationship with him. I always have. My husband finally understand and he said at least you have proven to him these past 10 months you don't need him but you do want him in your life. I was glad that he finally understood. Because I don't actually need my Dad no more since I am married but I do want him in my life.