[Casshmire]

Why do you think so many WLS patients experience a loss of a loved one post op? One of the things they warned us about was changing relationships and to not be "surprised" (if you will) if there is an ending to some relationships. I had no idea- nearly 4 months post op i would have lost my best friend. someone i thought was my soulmate. Someone i thought was going to be my partner in crime during this big change in life.

[country_strong]

I don't have the answer to that, but I have been told that some people actually feel threatened at the thought of their partner losing a lot of weight. Probably because they feel like they won't be good enough for the new person, or another possibility is that once the transformation is underway, they will lose whatever control they had in the relationship. Whatever your situation is, you did what YOU had to do to have a healthier lifestyle, and it is sad when our loved ones can't see that. My husband has been very supportive of me since day 1 of this journey for me; my grown daughters are another story. They had opposed surgery right from the get-go! I took a lot of crap from them about it, grew some backbone, and stood my ground. But just this morning my youngest decided to try once again, asking me if I wasn't afraid of having all that loose skin; what if I look just hideous; etc.etc. I told her point blank that I didn't think loose skin would kill me, but that excess fat surely would! I have learned to just close my ears to what people say about my choice. I'm sorry that you are going through all this, but from my 37 year marriage experience, is that if the person who says they love you, means it, that means they love the heart and soul; the inner spirit of what makes you, YOU. Not what you weigh or what you look like without makeup. I wish I could give you a big hug!! This is a good place to discuss those feelings. Please stick around!!

[pretty woman]

You said "friend" (didn't mention how friendly...)
Years back I was on Phen-fen. I lost a lot of weight. My dearest girlfriend and I worked together..played together..and we had been friends for years. (I am married to a man, just to clear "that" up.) Anyway, after I lost all the weight I could even borrow her clothes. She was always trim, pretty and took great care and pride in her appearance. But, suddenly she stopped calling and "doing" things with me in general."
Every year we would go to the city to shop and I asked her"What day are we going tihs year? and she said "Oh, I already went with someone else." We would go to the pool or park a lot in the summer..."Oh we got a membership at a different pool."
etc etc. I was really hurt. We had spent holiday dinners together etc etc...
Finally I "let" her go. Figured I would make other friends and to concentrate on the good things in my life. A few months later, I read a magazine article about the benefits of having a fat friend. They give you confidence, are always available, won't
be competitive for compliments... the list went on and on. I was led to believe, since I wasn't fat any more, she needed someone who wasn't such a "threat"? to her well being. When I thought about it, I knew her past friends (before me) she was the type who always attached to one person, and then the gal after me. To be honest, they weren't really attractive and a tad plump. I learned relationships do change and it is okay to move on...but it really tore a piece of my heart. I think she kind of lives with "blinders" on. That is a girlfriend/best friend story. I have heard some get divorced and others get married. I guess the options are endless.
Feeling for you.

[bluedelight]

My wife used my weight against me pre-op. She was always publicly going on diets and pushing me to follow her to however she was also a closet snacker and never lost any weight.

Since I have had wls, she has continued to gain weight and is no longer publicly doing her diets and she is unable to use my being overweight as a tool to make me feel guilty about my weight and who I am.

I dont know if the loss of weight really changes the relationship as much as allows us to see things and people more clearly than before. When in love or when needing love, we can overlook things right in front of our nose because we feel inferior or frightened to loose that one person who is showing us any compassion or giving any of their time to us.

At the same time, people take advantage of that weakness.

We also gain a new sense of confidence about ourselves and that is visible to other people. It is also visible to our "mates" and challenges their security and creates opportunities for jealousy, none of which helps the relationship.

I suggest to you that the relationship wasnt strong enough in the beginning. There are many people here whose relationships improved ten fold because their realtionships with their better halves were probably 100 fold better than the ones others here had.

Take this journey as an opportunity to find someone who is content with who you are in whatever body you are in, who has the same principals and values for life and relationships as you do, who trusts you and you trust them and you can share good times and bad times together.

The fact is you now have a better chance of meeting that person (or persons) because you have shed some of your baggage through this journey (and I am not talking about weight).

Best of luck and look forward to better things and better people out their to share your life with.

[luvRdogs]

Our relationship with OURself has changed, so it's only natural that our relationships with others will change too. Some will be for the better, some will be for the worse. We can control how we react to others, but not how they will react to us.
It's very hard to let a long term friendship or relationship fade away, but relationships need to "fit" who we are now. Some relationships we can and want to save and put the time and energy into them. Other ones we need to analyze, pray about and let go. People are put in our lives at different times for different reasons.
I'm sorry that you are hurting. Know that others care!
Hugs!

[Casshmire]

I really do appreciate all the feedback on this. I am feeling a lot better than i was before. I think at first there was just so much anger, shock, disappointment, guilt. I told him that the core of all my negative feelings for him were that i felt that he didnt love or respect me anymore. And he didnt take that to heart. Its still a weird adjustment but i realized some things

I litterally gave my all to this person and put everything aside for him, including myself. Now that we arent living together or communicating everyday- i am beginning to notice so many things i neglected because i was too focused on him. Including my close friendships with others. He was the moon, the stars, everything in my world. And it wasnt healthy.

Things have changed since surgery- because now i am more important. I can't spend my time taking care of him, catering to him. He has an eating disorder too and i think theres a lot of anger stemming from that. He has told me he has been jealous and even angry at me because of the changes. He said this after i shared my guilt about the surgery- how i am losing weight so fast, while some of my closest friends are struggling for a pound, and chewing things and spitting them out and throwing up and not eating when they are beyond healthy and skinny.

Ive since let the feeling go. There were a lot of things destroying me this past month that i had to come to terms with.

I feel so strong it's unbelievable. Do i want him to be apart of this: OF COURSE. but i can't carry the weight any longer ! (ha pun)