[mj2903]

OK, I am trying to be reasonable, but hubby really made me mad. I found a business I want to buy into tonight, granted he does have a point that we have 3 kids in the house, but hey, we had babysitters growing up and I turned out OK. Then, I was expecting something when I got home tonight, hadn't heard a word all week about my birthday, its 5 days after his brothers which we discussed a few times, and nothing, nada, zilch. After the boys went to bed I said so where's my gift (I was going to wait to see how many days it took him to figure it out but I was irritated that he won't support me in a business venture so decided to bring it up tonight- I even have 1 client already) he said what? Why would I get you a gift? I just looked at him. I can't believe it, 14 years of marriage and he FORGOT my birthday.

Has anyone else had this happen and how did you handle it? I figure I need some good entertainment at the least from this. .... I am the one that figured the cost of a new car was worth the speechless 45 seconds and dumbfounded look on my youngest daughters face, not so extreme of a reaction with the older one, she was just kind of dazed when they brought in a new car instead of the used one she had picked out. I thought about posting on facebook but that just seems petty, but I think I do deserve something for not throwing his arse out tonight, let alone not causing a major fight and having the cops over.

I may go ahead without his support and do the business venture. I try to let him think he makes decisions once in a while and try not to start WWIII the rest.

Any suggestions would be appreciated.

[bluedelight]

There are several things that stand out in your post. Sometimes we overlook the obvious, sometimes we make things worse than they are but here is what stood out for me;

"Why would I get you a gift?" People may forget the exact birthday date but once you reminded him you were expecting a gift, unless he was hit on the head he would have remembered right then and there, especially after 14 years of marriage.

He may not be supporting your business venture because it is a bad idea, I am not judging this because I dont know what you idea is but there may be legitimate concerns that he is not able to put into words or doesnt want to articulate. I am an antreprenneur and my wife works within the social service framework so while she supported me in accepting what i do, has no friggin conception about running a business, managing the risks and avoiding the pitfalls.

What is interesting about your post is tying the 2 completely different issues together. Again I dont want to jump to conclusions but it sounds like the marriage is being taken for granted and each of you is looking at doing things independently within your marriage at this time.

You feel like you are giving in to him much of the time to avoid starting WWIII as you put it and I bet he feels like he is bending over backwards for you and neither of you see it.

This is not to suggest separation or divorce but it may be the time to seek marriage counselling to repair it, to save your marriage or you will both harbor increasing resentment that will eventually become irrepairable.

This is NOT something that you can do on your own with talks. Sorry guys dont talk, they try to resolve problems with immediate solutions and walk away from deep discussions (most guys do).

You will resent him forever if you dont do your business and he with you if you do it. The forgetting of the birthday will remain something in your head every year your birthday comes up and will affect your feelings every year his birthday comes up along with your anniversary.

How do I know? Been there, done that, still have major issues.

Best of luck, sorry if I sounded out of line and direct but that is how I handle things, not with a quick solution per se, but I prefer not to beat around the bush with soft inefective approaches to serious problems.

Find a professional marriage counseller, talk to them by yourself first and see what they say. I could be wrong (it wont be the first time).

Regarding posting on Facebook, BAD IDEA. It has become the dumping ground and way to trash people publicly and always gets back to the people you are trying to hurt negatively and stays there in their minds as something very hurtful for ever. NOTHING ever comes out of doing that except more negativity and often revenge. Great way to end your marriage immediately if you ask me.

Once again good luck, dont try to fix this or get back at him on your own. Talk to someone who can provide you with a solid road map.

[pretty woman]

It would be hard for me to give you an opinion...
"It takes two to tango."

I have been married over 30 years. Has he ever forgotten my birthday? yep.
There are times you do have to pick your battles to avoid the war.

Is it possible you can both sit and chat now ? Are things calmer now? It's never
good to resolve an issue when emotions are escalated.

And then, there is the new business. Can you handle it on your own? Do you need
his help? His financial support? It sounds like you will be out of the house more,
you mentioned babysitters.

When I told my DH I wanted by pass surgery, he said he wasn't on board... but I was so convinced it was good for me I told him I hoped he would change his mind.

How convinced are you about your businesss?
It may not be a bad idea to give this more thought and discussion before proceeding.
Good luck.

[elizabeth39]

well hun idk my husband has been flippn out since I lost the weight. He loves Mr. But when he drinks lately it's all aggression toward me for no reason.maybe yo hubby thinks hr supported you enough what more do you want? I think. That's how mines feel can I use yo doghouse? Don't let him break you down I been married 12 yrs and separation staus in my mind he don't want me doing anything

[country_strong]

I have been married for 37 years, and my dh forgets plenty of things. He usually remembers our anniversary because it coincides with hunting season!! He doesn't show his feelings as much as I'd like him to, but I accepted that about him a long time ago. Whenever he does something that just chaps my backside, I step back for a cooldown, even if it takes several days. I make a mental list of what I'm upset about, and how important it is in the long term. I think of all of his good qualities, and they always outweigh the things I think are driving me nuts! Sure, he may forget something that seems terribly important to me at the moment, like a dinner date, or an errand; even my birthday. He shaves and leaves whiskers all over the bathroom sink and counter, he never picks up his dirty socks or shoes, even though I get on him about it constantly. He even says things that sound critical to me, but I know him enough to realize that he doesn't mean half the things he says, because he does not think he can express himself correctly. He is a man of few words; he lets his actions do his talking.The important thing is that he has been next to me for 37 years of marriage, childbirth, miscarriages, deaths, crises with our children, etc. He goes to work every day, sometimes putting in double shifts. He is home every night and sleeps next to me and wakes up next to me in the morning. He is a fantastic dad and grandfather. The things he does are more important to me than the things he doesn't, so I always get over my "mad" moments pretty fast.
As far as the business venture, that is on another page. He may be concerned because the economy is not looking good right now. He must have his reasons to be hesitant about it, just like you are sure you want it. Maybe get a 3rd person who knows about this kind of thing to mediate it with you both. But please, do not just go and start your business and not tell him! That is a very serious choice to be making on your own. Good luck to you both.

[goingtobethinin2010]

Originally Posted by bluedelight

There are several things that stand out in your post. Sometimes we overlook the obvious, sometimes we make things worse than they are but here is what stood out for me;

"Why would I get you a gift?" People may forget the exact birthday date but once you reminded him you were expecting a gift, unless he was hit on the head he would have remembered right then and there, especially after 14 years of marriage.

He may not be supporting your business venture because it is a bad idea, I am not judging this because I dont know what you idea is but there may be legitimate concerns that he is not able to put into words or doesnt want to articulate. I am an antreprenneur and my wife works within the social service framework so while she supported me in accepting what i do, has no friggin conception about running a business, managing the risks and avoiding the pitfalls.

What is interesting about your post is tying the 2 completely different issues together. Again I dont want to jump to conclusions but it sounds like the marriage is being taken for granted and each of you is looking at doing things independently within your marriage at this time.

You feel like you are giving in to him much of the time to avoid starting WWIII as you put it and I bet he feels like he is bending over backwards for you and neither of you see it.

This is not to suggest separation or divorce but it may be the time to seek marriage counselling to repair it, to save your marriage or you will both harbor increasing resentment that will eventually become irrepairable.

This is NOT something that you can do on your own with talks. Sorry guys dont talk, they try to resolve problems with immediate solutions and walk away from deep discussions (most guys do).

You will resent him forever if you dont do your business and he with you if you do it. The forgetting of the birthday will remain something in your head every year your birthday comes up and will affect your feelings every year his birthday comes up along with your anniversary.

How do I know? Been there, done that, still have major issues.

Best of luck, sorry if I sounded out of line and direct but that is how I handle things, not with a quick solution per se, but I prefer not to beat around the bush with soft inefective approaches to serious problems.

Find a professional marriage counseller, talk to them by yourself first and see what they say. I could be wrong (it wont be the first time).

Regarding posting on Facebook, BAD IDEA. It has become the dumping ground and way to trash people publicly and always gets back to the people you are trying to hurt negatively and stays there in their minds as something very hurtful for ever. NOTHING ever comes out of doing that except more negativity and often revenge. Great way to end your marriage immediately if you ask me.

Once again good luck, dont try to fix this or get back at him on your own. Talk to someone who can provide you with a solid road map.

I will have to say you have a lot of very good insite. I agree with everything you have said and I hope she can read this and really take to heart all of your good advice.

[Perfesser]

I have the opposite problem. Peanut forgot what day it was last week until she walked into our friend's house and found a surprise 60th birthday party waiting for her!!!

We were driving along yesterday and she was bemoaning the fact that she couldn't find her sunglasses even though she'd looked everywhere, so I glanced over and asked what those things in her hair were above her forehead!

She forgets a lot of things (doing laundry and other household chores, going to the store, etc.), but like CS says, I love her anyway!

mj, I think you're describing symptoms, not causes. There's something else happening in your relationship that makes simple normal "stupid spouse" things unbearable. If it's worth saving, do whatever it takes to make it work.

Good luck!

CT

[mj2903]

I don't know anymore, I have mentioned counseling but he won't go. I mentioned me going so I can deal better with the stress of having a bi-polar daughter who most of the time treats me like I am the devil incarnate but he decides we can't afford it. But his reason without asking what type of business was that we don't need the money. He has continuously gotten harder to live with as the years have passed. Hard to tell with the way that he behaves that I am the one with the double masters degree and an income about 50% higher than his. We do not discuss the difference in income.

I am starting the home based business and with luck and a lot of hard work it will take off. He did agree this morning when he gave me a chance to tell him about it...Right before we had the rug pulled out from us. I dropped our 4 month old puppy Lady off at the vet to be 'fixed' this morning. She passed all the pre-work with flying colors but went into cardiac arrest on the table just before her surgery was complete and they were not able to restart her heart. Needless to say we are heartbroken. She was so much fun, always so happy.

[MichelleA]

My husband told me before we got married that he needed to be reminded about my birthday, our anniversary, and even of holidays. He used to teach college and went in one day, waiting for students to arrive for quite some time before he realized it was Thanksgiving.

I don't mind reminding him. I don't care that he doesn't remember on his own. He is a kind, caring, loving man, and that makes up for so many of the small things.

I also know that when I was younger and was upset about other things, it sometimes happened that I would look for things to be angry with him about and sometimes even almost set it up so that I could be angry with him.

I agree with the Perfessor: you are describing symptoms, and they may not all be his.

If it were me, I would find out what the symptoms are of. Perhaps a sit-down where you two talk about it calmly?

[kmiller4]

MJ-- so sorry to hear about your puppy. You must be in shock. Will keep you in my prayers.