[Name_Omitted]

My wife is likely about to undergo surgery. I am looking for help from other spouses as to what to expect, and how to help. Given what I have found poking around here, this may not be the place to look, if that is the case, please direct me to the appropriate place.

Thank you for your help.

[Perfesser]

It's great that you care enough to want to be a good helper for her. She will need a lot of your assistance as she prepares and goes through the surgery.

Do a lot of reading in the Family & Loved Ones forum. WLS patients have some unique requirements that can confuse someone with little background. My wife had no clue how to help me when I had mine, so she pretty much left me alone. When she had hers 15 months later, though, I knew exactly how to help her through it.

Don't tempt her with stuff she can't have. Do go with her to every doctor appointment and nutritional consultation you can make with her. You need to undergo the same training she is. She will forget something in her early days post-op. There is so much to remember, she can't help it! She needs a clear mind and good memory to back her up.

Talk about this journey with her before she starts her liquid prep diet. Things to discuss are 1) the emotional upheaval she will undergo. Lots of hormones are stored in her fat, and it'll all be dumped into her bloodstream at once!! Get ready to stand out of the line of fire!! Be tolerant, understanding, and loving. She'll need all the support she can get. 2) she will be undergoing dramatic physical changes, and you won't. Many times this puts a strain between two people, especially as the one losing starts to become physically more attractive and mentally much more self-confident and assertive. This can test the strength of your relationship in a big way!! Understand that it is totally normal for folks to remark upon and compliment her on her weight loss and physical changes. Keep your lines of communication wide open! There have been a lot of jealous husbands get their feelings of insecurity revved up and break the trust between the couple when there was no reason. This is aimed at you, too! Do you trust her or don't you? If yes, then trust her all the way and don't get upset at the comments and remarks and admiring looks she will receive. If no, sorry, I can't help you!!

This'll be an opportunity for you two to pull closer together or tear apart. That's a real danger. We've been married a few dozen years, and even my wife felt a couple of green twinges when I was losing. No one is immune. Keep those lines of communication wide open and working!!!

Find out what she'll be able to eat and when, then support her. There are hundreds of great recipes in the Recipes sub-forum. Eat what she eats when she's back on solid food. If it's good for her, it'll be good for you, too! That's what convinced my wife to have her own surgery, was finding out that I was eating good stuff. If you're a good cook, make some of these for her. If you're not, buy a crockpot and let it make you look like one!

And do stick around!! You don't say how long it's going to be, but you can learn an awful lot here that'll help you both come through this journey stronger and happier.

Best of luck!! She's a lucky girl to have a guy who cares this much!!!

CT

[Name_Omitted]

Funny... I've always figured I'm the lucky one.

I trust her completely, just as she has always trusted me (I am an entertainer by trade, and can't count the number of times she has watched me dodge advances from others). I am actually looking forward to other people seeing her as the beautiful woman I see. I hope I am not naive in this, but of all the stress that I am expecting in the coming months, I don't see that part as a problem.

The "eat what she eats" part... that's one of the question points I have. I am a large man with a very physical job, and burn through a lot of calories in the course of a day. I am uncertan how that translates. Can I take her post-surgery meals and simply scale up the portions? Since her diet will include specific vitamin supplements, is there something I should be worried that I am not getting if I scale up her diet? Am I simply wrong with my assumptions of how much I will have to eat?

This also brings me to one of my big concerns. She has traditionally seen "food" as "love," and is very concernd about not being able to cook for me (I will *NOT* have her cooking good food that she can not eat). I am happy to eat anything that will keep me going, so eating what she eats is not a problem for me, but if she is not satisfied with the food we are eating, she will likely be more concerned on my behalf about the food than I will be.

Does anyone have any advice on successfully making the transition away from food as a sign of affection?

[lpully]

Coming from the patient and a woman who also sees cooking as love.... I love to cook and I love to see what I've cooked make someone happy. However, in the past 7 months prior to my surgery, I have been doing Weight Watchers. I have learned that I am not really showing "love" if I am making meals that are putting my family in an early grave. Talk to your wife about trying new recipes now, before surgery. She needs to start changing her eating habits anyway and it really was fun to try new foods and new recipes. It was so much more fulfilling to me to see my pre-teen son come off his pediatricians radar as overweight down to normal weight. We got a YMCA membership and started exercising as a family. We agreed to not buy sodas as a family. Every change I've made has been as a family. I am still being fulfilled cooking for my family, just in a new and healthier way. It's all in our minds, really.

You sound a lot like my husband. He is very supportive, loving and trusting. He wants me to be happy and is afraid for me that worst fears will happen. However, he has never shown me any negativity. So much so that I have asked him did he have concerns. He goes with me to doc appts and support groups. He asked questions of the doctor and nutritionists. He gives me feedback on what I cook and what we eat. Since my surgery on Tuesday, he's even eaten the frozen meals I per-prepared and hot dogs, and lunch meat sandwiches to allow me time to get back on my feet. Even though I know he doesn't prefer those things.

You'll be fine if you guys have a strong relationship and understand whats going to be happening. You just need to change what your head says to make it match what your body needs.

[dixieladybug]

Your wife is a lucky, lucky lady to have such a supportive husband. You will be a big help for her. You can eat what she eats after she get to the full stage food stage. It is really a healthy diet. You can eat more but it is just good healthy food. Good luck to both of you. Please keep us posted. IF we can be of help to you at all just ask. We are happy to help both of you.

[KatV]

Your wife is indeed a lucky woman. It sounds as if you two have a wonderful relationship -- that's going to make this process so much easier on both of you. Regarding your question about the vitamin supplements -- it's not that the food she will need to eat is lacking in those vitamins and nutrients, it's that her new pouch won't absorb them in the same way that her stomach does now, thus causing her to supplement her food. So, there's no need for you to worry that you won't be getting the nutritional value that you need. If you look at some of the recipes listed here, you'll see that they are filled with delicious nutritious stuff that will satisfy you too, you'll just need a bigger portion. My husband generally eats 2:1 of what I eat and is happy as a clam. Stick around, and keep asking questions as they come up, there will always be someone to help you understand the process.

[nursesrock]

I imagine my husband having the same questions as you have, although he usually says something like we're all going to starve now!! As I've been healing and learning what my new diet will look like over the last few weeks, I have been insisting on still cooking for him- partially to maintain a sense of normalcy, but also because I feel like this is my journey and it's comforting to not disrupt him completely also. He's thin, will always be, and my hope is that as I lose, we can become more active together and the food will become a secondary issue. I'm sure everyone is different, but don't feel guilt if she feels like she wants to continue to care for you and meal prep is part of that.

[Perfesser]

There is no way you could physically survive on the tiny portions she'll be eating. Your stomach will still be intact. It can hold a quart. Her pouch capacity will be a quarter-cup! The food we eat is nutritious and delicious. Check out the recipes posted here and start trying some now, before she has surgery.

The best preparation for her is to start following the WLS rules as much as she can prior to surgery, so that afterwards she will have good habits to fall back on. There will be a lot of stress in the weeks immediately post-op, and changing everything about how she eats is one she doesn't need to add to them.

Just like you, when my wife finally had WLS, I really enjoyed seeing her light up when she got compliments on how she was doing. It was a treat to see her come out of her shadow and stand on her own!! You guys are in for a wonderful ride!

When is she going to have surgery, or are you still waiting for a date?

When you both focus on doing this journey hand in hand, you will be amazed at how much closer you two will grow! You two cannot now imagine just how good your life is going to become!!

CT

[Name_Omitted]

Thank you all very much, your words are giving me a stronger seance of what we are in for, and how we can make this work. I also need to loose some weight, so the diet will be a good change for the both of us. When we go and see her dietitian, I am sure I can get specific advice for how much I actually need. Being 6' 10" tall, there is a lot of information out there that just does not scale well.

Starting experimenting with some of the recipes now is a grand idea, it looks like the surgery is going to be somewhere around the beginning of the year so we should be able to have a solid list of our favorites by then.

Does anyone have advice on which protein powders are good? I have had some bad experiences in the past with powders that just don't mix well. Thanks.

[Tupper_Mom]

I'm going to chime in as well...

A lot of what's been said makes SO much sense! If she (and you) start "living the life" now, finding recipies you both like etc. it will be TONS easier post op!!! I started out determined to "live the life" as much as I could pre-op, so that once I had surgery, my eating habits wouldn't be a big stress for me, because it would be habit by then. From your point of view as a non-op, you'll do just fine eating what she eats scaled up for your size (myfitnesspal.com can give you a good ballpark of what you should be eating to maintain or lose, whichever you desire) I can say this beyond the shadow of a doubt, as I'm still eating foloowing the rules, but in larger portions. I ended up being on a wait list SO long, and was so inspired by the wonderful people here, that I no longer qualify for surgery, I stay because I love the friends I've made

Your wife and you are both so very lucky to have each other. This journey can either strengthen or rip apart relationships...I think from the little bits we've heard that yours will strengthen.

If she's interested, at all, perhaps have your wife join up as well, not only is this place a valuable information source, but the support found here for you both, simply can't be beat, we'd love to have you both around

Welcome and I'm all excited for your wife and her new lease on life

Joanne