[kiddiecakes]

I have a very nosy mother in law who showed up the two days after I returned home from surgery. She stayed two and half weeks. ugh. I wouldn't mind except she likes to play games and reask questions in a different way just to see if you will slip up and tell her something. Before I had my surgery, I was having all kinds of thyroid issues and PCOS issues.

When it came down to surgery, I did not feel that it was any of her business so we just told her I had to go in and have a cist removed from my ovary. She knew I had already lost weight when she was here, but keeps asking my husband in a nondirect way if I had weight loss surgery. She nevers asks straight out. My hubby thinks I do not need to tell her anything as she can be quite rude and mean. She is also way overweight herself so I imagine there is some jealousy issues going on.

I don't want to lie, but at the same time, I know she is going to ask me when I get to the family Christmas gathering in front of everyone. I do not want to tell her as she LOVES to tell stories and the entire family would know. I feel this is my business. This is my journey and I don't need their negative issues. How did you handle it?

I am not ashamed of myself, but I don't need snide comments on how I couldn't control my eating habits and that this was an easy way out. She is really vindictive. Should I just nip it in the bud? I almost, as mean as this is,(because she nevers says anything to me) feel like I would really like to embarrass her and put an end to her comments because I know she will ask me in front of everyone to humilate me. I thought about just saying, Oh, I brought you a copy of the diet I am following, since you want to know so much about my weight loss,maybe it will help you!

Somebody help me with this, because I am having severe anxiety attacks over this because I don't want to be embarrassed in front of everyone and that is how she works. Am I wrong to keep this as my own? The doc says, just tell her bluntly because keeping secrets can cause me to start over eating. I feel that my personal medical info is off limits and because I know the games she plays, I feel that it is none of her business!

How would you handle this?

[tcgc0114]

Originally Posted by kiddiecakes

I thought about just saying, Oh, I brought you a copy of the diet I am following, since you want to know so much about my weight loss,maybe it will help you!

I kind of like this approach, personally. While I agree that the surgery is nothing to be ashamed of, I wouldn't tell her either, because it will become everyone's business and then she'll watch you like a hawk for one slip-up (and when you don't, she'll hound you).

That said, limit the amount of time you are with her (especially alone) and learn to just brush her off. She sounds so toxic, I bet everyone else in the family feels the same way you do about her.

Good luck and kill her with kindness!!

[Sksmoooth]

KC, Unfortunately there is no easy answer for this. There is a great mix of feelings on the boards here as to how open you should be with your surgery and various reasons as to why, but it simply comes down to you and your comfort level with telling people. I understand some of both sides from personal experience, most people have been very supportive with a couple negative detractors. I understand this is your mother in law that is causing all this anxiety and stress, what has your husband said or done to help you with this situation? While this is your decision and journey, he's also along for the ride and could be your best shot at handling this without any major problems or blowups. What I mean by that is perhaps he should have a little discussion with his mother and explain that while you both appreciate her interest and concern that she has been told as much as she needs to know and if anything else comes up you will let her know. While she may not like hearing this and it may cause problems it has come directly from her son and gives you both a unified front, then if there are any other questions to you wether in front of other family or not you can simply say "I'm sorry, that's already been disussed and I don't have anything to add, thanks!" Family drama is a part of our lives and most likely always will be, no matter how functional and close your family is things pop up and issues arise. Also if you don't want to tell certain people but do want to tell others that's your decision as well but remember that some don't keep secrets as well as others either. I know this can be a stressful and trying time but just keep your head up and remember you are doing this to improve and extend your life. Best of Luck and God Bless!!

[pretty woman]

It is entirely up to you.
I have told very few people Ihad WLS. I am not embarassed either, it is just how I choose to handle it. Some have asked about my diet..I say it is Atkins related. High protein, High water amounts, low carbs, low sugar, and low calorie. Plus the exercise, gym and trainer. I started my journey last October... getting paperwork in, losing some pre op weight.. etc.. so it is all quite consistent....
I don't think I would tell her. Just make up your mind and follow through. You get to call the shots on this one. You are in charge (even your husband said don't tell her.)
Think it overthen do what you want. Good luck.

[nursesrock]

God, I just hate to hear this..but on some level all of us have dealt with this. I don't think you have to tell anyone, but don't let her being a pain in the butt dictate how you feel or eat or anything. OR....you can give her your surgeon's card and suggest she make an appointment. HA! Good luck and don't let silly mean folks affect your outcomes.

[dixieladybug]

It is your body, your choice to tell or not tell. I see your point. Don't let her make you feel ashamed or embarrassed for doing something that will change your life and health. She probably wishes she could do what you are doing. Best thing is lose and keep the weight off that should really piss her off. lol

[Perfesser]

Tell her that you are under a doctor's care in a supervised weight loss program (true!) Tell her about the medical team that you've assembled, with insurance coordinators, nutritionists, lab tests - dress it up and make it as impressive as you can without using any words related to "surgery", "surgeon", or "operation".

Describe the way we eat. Explain in excruciating detail about the science behind the 30-30 rule, the requirements for protein first, fruit and veggies second, carbs if there's room. Talk about counting grams of protein every day, about keeping track of water intake and timing. Tell her about the food tracking websites like fitday and others. Make it sound as confusing, complex, and crazy as you like. Make it sound like some weird dietary cult. (I mean, doesn't it? )

Just leave out that one little surgical detail. After all, your long-term success is 10% surgical and 90% mental. Talk about the head game, head hunger, self-discipline, and transformations of your formerly dysfunctional relationship with food. There are non-ops on this forum who have had stunning success by doing everything we do, minus the surgery. Give her everything you can possibly think of. Be as totally open and frank about it as you can. Hide the truth in plain sight and she'll never see it.

I can practically guarantee you that before you get halfway through, she'll think it's way too much work and she'll lose interest. Just plan your story with your husband well in advance so that everything he says is consistent with you. He doesn't have to go into detail - just have him say that you've gotten into this new weight loss program, the doctor is monitoring you, and he lets you do all the crazy things you want with it.

Everyone will see a huge difference in you. Tell them the truth! But hold a little bit back, because they haven't earned access to that part of it!

Good luck!!



CT

[DocSanae]

Since your DH says as well that there's no need to tell her about the surgery, no need to do so.
So your MIL knows you had some kind of procedure--removal of ovarian cysts. You could also tell her that since PCOS causes weight gain, you have been under strict nutritional instructions as well, and give her the details of your present diet. Tell the truth, but no need to tell the whole truth. If she checks what kind of diet post WLS makes for, and should she insist that your diet is WLS diet, you can tell her that maybe it might be so, but you were given this and told that this type of diet works for everyone--which is true. There is a few persons on this board, who had a hard time getting approved, but was enthusiastic enough to start eating the WLS way in the meanwhile, and was quite successful.

[VMintegui]

I would just say upfront,

I am working very hard at my weightloss. I don't need you to undermine my progress with negativity. If you would like any advice on how to lose some of your own weight feel free to call me!

I haven't told anyone but my immediate family that I am having WLS because I too feel like people view it as the easy way out and will think less of my accomplishments. I'm not ashamed I am having it, it's just not their business!

I don't think this is a secret you will feel guilty about keeping and if you never deny it, is it really a secret?

[kiddiecakes]

I guess I feel like I have no reason to tell her. She has no part in this and she is just speculating to get my hubby to tell her. My hubby will not tell her as she has been very sneaky and manipulative and he knows it would not be in my best interest.

The SIL is a complete fruitcake and if she found out, the snide cracks would come every time I have to endure seeing her. my MIL would love to to tell her even though she can't stand her, just to get the SIL to spill out something.

It bothers me because I am not a secretive person, so I have a hard time with lying, but I didn't want to be visiting(we live in seperate states) and her ask in front of the entire family as this is her way of humilating you.I did this for me,not her. Since she can't drive, she depends on people to take her places and she has now used and abused so many, that she has too much time on her hands to think about things. This gives her ample time to play games and tries to get my kids to tell her things by asking the same question in different ways. I just don't care to deal with it.

I just feel bad about it though. My hubby is like who cares, let her think what she wants. But I don't care for MIL and SIL getting together and comparing notes and fishing for the story or putting my kids in a spot. It has got me so bothered, that the trip I planned to make to see my family and hubby's has now turned into a downer and I am just anxious over how to deal with it. I am always excited at Christmas and now, I am just hoping to get it over with so I don't have to deal with her.