[country_strong]

I spent all day yesterday with my husband's extended family. I was very excited to attend our annual Christmas get-together, because I have not seen many of them since last Christmas. My dh's family is very close knit and I have been a part of this kooky clan for 38 years! They have always known me as overweight. I wore a new size 14 outfit and showed up, almost a 100 pounds lighter, and I was hoping for positive feedback. What I got was indifference, and no one said anything at all about the "new me". When we were going home, my youngest sister-in-law said, "You look thinner, but you are only 4 months out. I know a lot of people who have had this surgery and they all failed...gained back all their weight and then some. You need to prepare yourself and be ready for when reality hits and you start gaining it all back." Well, needless to say, that hurt. I left feeling very pissed off and confused! Why does everyone I know, know a ton of people who "gained it all back?" Why do they have to group me in with that bunch of people? Why can't they shut up if they think I'm going to fail? It's like everyone is just waiting for me to self-destruct. I am the same person they have always known and loved before. Why this type of treatment? I just don't get it. Am I going to have to fight everyone all the way through my wl journey? I also noticed some of them watching everything I ate. It seems to me now that when I was really fat, they never gave a rip about what I ate or what I looked like, cause I was always the same jolly, fun-loving sister-in-law/aunt! We always had fun together as a family. Yesterday I felt like a stranger. What the hell happened?

[Perfesser]

Where do you fit in with the family now as far as your weight goes? For instance, is your mouthy SIL lighter or heavier than you? If you threaten to show them up (like you did with your daughters) they may be devoutly praying for your failure so they don't have to 'fess up that there is a way that works.

As a fat woman, you never threatened their self-images. You went along with the flow so as not to draw too much attention to yourself. Now, with your new confidence, that could also be intimidating to them.

Whatever the reason, hold your head up with pride at what you have accomplished. The problem is inside their skulls and has nothing at all to do with you. You know why you took this route, and you know what you had to go through to get here. As far as their opinions, I think you ought to tell them "Frankly, my dear, ...".

$0.02

Merry Christmas!!



CT

[judst]

CS, I'm sorry that your family can't seem to be supportive or complimentary of your weight loss. I agree with CT and think they are insecure about themselves. In my experience with people.... the more insecure they are the more they have to make others look bad. You ARE NOT going to fail!

[dixieladybug]

I'm so sorry they treated you like that. You know they noticed all the weight you have lost. You have worked so hard and unlike many people think it is not EASY. I have heard the comment about people gaining it back plus more. I think the best thing you can do is prove them wrong and show them that you will not be one of "those" people. Be proud of what you have accomplished. You are doing awesome. Don't let a few people bring you down.

[Nell]

Whatever the reason, hold your head up with pride at what you have accomplished. The problem is inside their skulls and has nothing at all to do with you. You know why you took this route, and you know what you had to go through to get here. As far as their opinions, I think you ought to tell them "Frankly, my dear, ...".

I totally agree!

CS, you have done a wonderful job with your weight loss, I guarantee they noticed how much you have changed since the last time they saw you! I'm sorry they didn't acknowledge what was plainly obvious. There are going to be people out there that are always going to watch us since we chose to have WLS and see if we "fail"
Well, you're gonna prove them wrong, right? RIGHT!!!

(((HUGS)))

[sue4491]

Originally Posted by country_strong

I spent all day yesterday with my husband's extended family. I was very excited to attend our annual Christmas get-together, because I have not seen many of them since last Christmas. My dh's family is very close knit and I have been a part of this kooky clan for 38 years! They have always known me as overweight. I wore a new size 14 outfit and showed up, almost a 100 pounds lighter, and I was hoping for positive feedback.

First of all, congrats on the awesome weight loss!!!!

Originally Posted by country_strong

What I got was indifference, and no one said anything at all about the "new me". When we were going home, my youngest sister-in-law said, "You look thinner, but you are only 4 months out. I know a lot of people who have had this surgery and they all failed...gained back all their weight and then some. You need to prepare yourself and be ready for when reality hits and you start gaining it all back."

Makes me think of a comment I'd gotten when I'd lost about 50 lbs - a lady told me, "that outfit looks flattering on you" to which I answered, "Maybe it's the 50 lbs I've lost" to which she answered, "no I don't think so!"

Ah yes, I think we all have gotten er... classic comments to report like this! To the point where indifference is sometimes a better thing than the comments. You know, the ones which go down in history and after a while we just kind of say "oh that stuff" and get more amused than annoyed. In March or April of this year, a dear family relative (I really do love this lady - she's a sweetie) says to me, in front of everyone, of course, "Oh Sue, we were all waitin' for you to regain all the weight you lost!" The worst thing about this all, is this particular lady does not have the "obesity" gene like I do - when she quit smoking, she gained all of 20 or 30 lbs which as you know for those of us who grappled with well over 100 lbs, that's a mere drop in the bucket so to speak.

I must say, after some rocky times over the past couple of years, she and I are getting along wonderfully and we do love each other!

A Weight Watchers leader friend of mine who's kept off over 100 lbs for 10 years, said a couple of years ago, someone called her a "bobblehead" - she's still hurt about it.

This is what they do not tell us on TV about the other side of weight loss. That often, we get rejection rather than the approval we expect and which has been promised to us by the media.

OK, so yesterday, at church on Christmas eve, where I played the violin, I saw a lady I haven't seen since 2007, who had been shall we say, not nice to me about my being overweight and she did this for years! So yesterday she comes up to me and says "HI" and asked how I was. Not a word about the weight loss and you cannot tell me she didn't notice it. I mean this was the same lady who, four years ago, sneered at me how she kept her figure slim and "took care" of herself (unlike me).

So, I'm to the point, where this er...silence is more amusing than annoying and I love to confront these folks because it can be er...embarrassing for them if you confront them.. (OK my bad) and so I say quite innocently, "Well, I've lost 112 lbs!" She turns around as if an afterthought and says, "Yes I see, you look very nice"!

Originally Posted by country_strong

Well, needless to say, that hurt. I left feeling very pissed off and confused! Why does everyone I know, know a ton of people who "gained it all back?" Why do they have to group me in with that bunch of people?

Because the truth is that 95% of non ops and 93% of surgical patients do gain at least some back. So they do know lots of folks who gained it back, maybe even including them.

Originally Posted by country_strong

Why can't they shut up if they think I'm going to fail? It's like everyone is just waiting for me to self-destruct.

To be truthful, they are waiting for you to gain it back. Weight is such an issue to everyone that when someone deviates from the usual and keeps it off without being sick I mean just with daily vigilance, they feel it's a direct insult to them. Most of my family is clinically obese so you can imagine, my losing all this weight and keeping it off went over like the proverbial lead balloon.

Originally Posted by country_strong

I am the same person they have always known and loved before. Why this type of treatment? I just don't get it. Am I going to have to fight everyone all the way through my wl journey? I also noticed some of them watching everything I ate. It seems to me now that when I was really fat, they never gave a rip about what I ate or what I looked like, cause I was always the same jolly, fun-loving sister-in-law/aunt! We always had fun together as a family. Yesterday I felt like a stranger. What the hell happened?

Oh yeah, the reports of everything on your plate - I still get that sometimes and it can be annoying.

But there is hope - frankly, the bad attitudes I got from family and not just indifference, but out and out rejection from some of my dearly loved ones which really hurt, undid my program at least twice before. They were so much nicer to me when I was clinically obese and ate like the rest.

This time, there was a health issue involved. I got on this program mostly, because it resolves my severe GERD and I loved not having GERD so much that I weathered the storm. (but I do love being this size also!!!) Did make me sad, the first year or so, but I found out that after a while, they get used to you, especially if you don't say any of the forbidden words i.e. "thin", "Weight Watchers" (for me), "weight loss" etc. Yesterday I was with the family, had some reservations before, because of past things and yet, had an absolutely super wonderful time, no comments and things back to normal - they are used to what I eat (which is amazingly less than I used to eat) and that's that.

Just weather the storm and things will go back to normal for you also. Remember their comments are not really about you - they are about them - so just treat it with love and know you are happy doing what you are doing! Sending a hug!!!

[nursesrock]

Lord, she sounds like a mental midget, in fact feel free to tell her that. I wonder how many people tell cancer patients that they need to prepare for death because they've known folks that have "failed" at chemo?? I din't know that your family, but people should be called out on that behavior. I think we all live with the fear of failure, so maybe that lives in your mind? It's probably healthy to have that fear, but you don't need that pressure from others, so I'm sorry you have that lack of support. We can't chose our relatives, and it sucks to hear such stupid comments from them. Move one, kick butt and take names

[Perfesser]

"Fear of failure"? NO!! Fear paralyzes. Fear prevents us from taking any positive action. Fear is the rabbit caught in the headlights. Neither fear nor the headlights can save the rabbit from extreme failure! Turning his little furry head away from the lights could.

Awareness of the possibility of backsliding? Sure. Respect for the laws of nutrition? Absolutely! Understanding that we have control? You better believe it!! Taking control is empowering!! Taking control moves us to better places that we have not even dared to dream of! Fear could never in a thousand years do for you the things that exercising control of your life will.

As the Mythbusters say "Failure is always an option!" We have control over how rigorously we follow the rules. Following the rules is the best way known to make the healthy gains you want and to keep them in effect for many years to come!

We don't even use the same vocabulary as they do any more. The power of total control of our lives is so liberating - those who never dare try will never understand where we are coming from!!

CT

[nursesrock]

I'm not that strong yet, CT- I think it's that continued low self esteem peeking through. Seems like I've always had a hard time getting out of my own way. I think you're all rubbing off on me, though!!

[Perfesser]

Oh, I certainly hope we are!! So many of us for so many years were oppressed by our failures and oppressed by society's reactions to us. Once we experience victory over that evil carb monster and banish obesity, there is nothing to compare to the feeling of awesome power we gain!! If we can defeat our oldest and most difficult enemy, there is nothing we cannot do!!

The absolute, 100% natural consequence of successful extreme weight loss, no matter how it's done, is a shot of adrenalin to our ego and self-confidence we may never have known. You may be beating down traces of the old apologetic self image for years to come, but there is a powerful new woman growing in your heart and in the very core of your being!!

You are woman - let's hear you roar!!!





CT