[canine_advisor]

Hello everyone,

I am new to the forum. I am the wife of a gastric bypass patient. My husband had his surgery 3 weeks ago.

Our story starts with the fact that he and I have been friends for 15 years and married 5. I have been battling with my husband having the surgery for the past 5 years. He wanted it. I was sure he was not ready metally. Our insurance required him to complete a 6 month medically managed weight loss program which he did semi sucessfully. I never missed a meeting and was 100% supportive. I tried to express my concerns to the medical staff. They asked if he was an emotional eater.. he replied no I replied yes. They took his answers over mine.. and he lied all the way through the program. He got his surgery ok.. and headed under the knife.

Again I want to say that I have been 100% supportive and he will tell you the same.

The problems started 3 days after surgery when he got into the christmas cheeseball. He hid it from me and lied when asked.. finnaly came clean with it. Scared me to death.. he vomitted several times and swore he would never do it again. Three days later he snuck a bite of our three year old sons luchmeat sandwhich.. and nothing happened..sigh that is when it started spinning out of control. A day later he snuck a small piece of a Totinos party pizza that was on the stove cooling again for our 3 year old son and nothing happened. I would not have realized it was him that stole the piece had my son not told on him. That was my breaking point. I had been understanding all other times.. reassuring him and telling him the doctors told us you may have the urge...After the pizza I saw him slipping back in to his old ways. I blew my top.. and tried a different approach.. the look at what your entire family has gone threw happily for you and you are not even trying. I got rid of all my sons treats so there was no more temptation. Today I ran up to our local gas station (only one in town) and the girls tell me "we thought your husband had gastric bypass.." My reply is he did WHY? On his few walks that he has been taking he has asked to be alone to thinking and to "do this himself" he has been stopping in the store for combo's and sweet tea and reese cups. GRRRR! I have been nice.. supportive..drill sargent... What do I do besides throw my hands up and let him give up?

[lpully]

I am sorry for your situation. I don't really know what to tell you. I can say that his body/stomach is still healing and I am afraid he is going to cause a serious problem. Has his surgeon/nutritionist/psych doc been made aware of what's happening?

Does he attend support groups? It really sounds like he has a big problem.

[canine_advisor]

yes everyone has been made aware.. they talk to him about choices.. choices.. choices.. I am so frustrated.. because choices are where the problem is he is making the wrong ones. he tells me that when he sees more weight come off he will be more into the paln.. but he will never see it with choices like these. He lost 30 lbs in the first two weeks.. I think that is alot. His family his so supportive.. They threw a small weight loss party for him I texted them and told them about the weight loss when we arrived home they were here and his mom fixed him sugar free fat free pudding to celebrate.. He enjoys the attention and the "dramatics" so we try to really encorage and complement daily. and we are not lying to him. You can see the weight pouring off of him! Thirty pounds in two weeks most people only pray and dream for that kind of first result. Took me six months to lose thirty pounds when we made the lifestyle change and I work out 5 days a week chase a 3 year old and eat right What more does he want? I am feeling defeated.. but I don't wanna show it.. I keep trying to get him back on track!

[Stlfocus]

Unfortunately it is his journey, not yours. I understand that you were trying to be supportive by attending all his appointments, etc., but it would appear that YOU wanted him to have this surgery more than he did.

As a fat person all my life until I had this surgery, I can tell you that you will not help him by monitoring his food intake and yelling at him, essentially treating him like a chld. That is counterproductive because as an emotional eater that will drive him into eating more.

If he has the availability of a mental professional, I would gently suggest he make an appointment. But let him make the appointment and go to the appointment by himself. If he is going to succeed, he must take charge of his life. As you have found, you cannot make him do it.

I hope you don't find this too harsh, but I have been in his shoes. I hesitated for years before I felt I was ready to jump into surgery. I would have totally failed if someone had pushed me.

[Perfesser]

Weight loss surgery is not a magic wand that the surgeon waves across you in the OR and you're guaranteed success. It's a tool to be used with skill and discipline. In the long run, the surgery is only about 10% of a person's success. The other 90% comes from mental focus and strict obedience to the rules.

It sounds like your husband's focus isn't on success. He could be in denial, but why go through with this whole surgical hassle? He just may not understand what it's all about. We have seen people join the list who have just had surgery and are wondering "what now?" Every program offers training in aftercare. Some are better than others, but if a person doesn't or won't learn from that training, it won't work. He has probably heard all you're telling him, but hasn't internalized the message enough to have it guide his life.

Unfortunately, unless he changes his trajectory, he is cruising for a really hard time. This could well turn into one of the WLS "horror stories" that circulate on the web. Unless you can duck tape him to a chair and give him only what's on his approved list, and have security follow him everywhere and keep him in line, he's going to do whatever it is he thinks is "good" for him. Define "good"! He lacks a long-term focus to help with that definition.

I wish you luck. I know how hard it is to watch someone you love go down the path to self destruction. He is firmly in the grip of his food addiction, and only a wise and knowledgeable mental health professional has a chance of loosening it.

Good luck!! Be strong!



CT

[nursesrock]

^CT is right, it sounds like he's on a scary path to a bad place. I watch my husband smoke 1 1/2 packs of cigarettes a day and it scares me to death, as his mom died at 50 (we're 45) from lung cancer. It's torture, but believe me....it's worse being on the other end of a nag. I would be furious if my husband got information about me and my behaviors from someone like a gas station attendant, not to mention my son. That's not supportive, it's passive aggressive, rude and not helpful. I'm sure you've heard the saying that the road to hell is paved with good intentions?? You might think by trying to control his behavior you're "saving" him. Might be that you're sending him straight to the fridge. I'm sorry to say that this is his life, and he can do with it as he wishes. Hopefully for him, he'll figure it out. Please don't expect the folks on this forum to gang up on him with you, that's not fair. I'm not answering for anyone but myself, so others might not feel the same way.

[Tricia Igo]

I haven't had the surgery yet - but will be relatively soon.

My husband has been talking about having it as well - I've told him that he has to work on some serious food issues before he even considers starting the process - he's very much a mindless snacker and snacks late at night. I don't hover, I don't cajole, lecture, follow his every bite, etc... he IS an adult...

same is true for your husband - he needs to take charge of his process - you cannot do it for him and being on top of him isn't really going to help... JMHO

[MommyEliz]

I know no one wants to face it.....but is it possible to get him too a psych doc now??...and possibly get him on a med to help with his thoughts about eating? If he's an emotional eater.....then it sounds like he needs a harsh reality check and get those emotions under control. Even a family counselor? anything?

[Butterfly312]

I wish there was something I can tell you that will lighten the load in your heart. I know how much it hurts to see your spouse do things that you clearly know is not good for them. Regardless of how much he is not honest with the food he consumes, the truth will come out when he sees his surgeon for the numbers don't lie.

The months we get before WLS is a time of mental preparation in order for us to condition ourselves and learn what we should and should not eat after surgery. I know it's difficult, how can you help someone who doesn't want to help himself?

I just pray that God will give you strength to handle anything that may come due to his current actions regarding his eating habits. Good luck and stay strong.

[pretty woman]

You can lead a horse to water....
It is h is journey now. Not yours. You can provide nutritional food in the home, maybe go to support meetings with him..but if he lieing to everyone,etc.. why bother going? Also, why should your son be without his snacks?
A while back, when my mom was alive I said I was mad at the DH and wanted to ... well I will say "Kick him in the butt" (I said something worse, but don't want to put it in print.) My mom said "Honey, don't bother. He won't feel it and your foot will hurt like "heck". (Note the " ". )
He may need some psycholgical counseling but it seems doubtful he would go and if he did, would he tell the truth?
I feel for you. I have a past history of being an enabler. It is a lousy job and causes a lot of work and a lot of pain. Don't go there. Believe me.