[Rachael]

Okay. The funeral is Saturday. I work at home and live in huge t-shirts and a couple pair of pants that fit. So I figured I better get something to wear.

I don't go out. I don't look at myself. I had NO idea how big I've gotten. I saw myself in the dressing room and just cried. Okay, so it has been a bit emotional, my FIL's death, my son just broke up with his girlfriend, so it wasn't all about that, but I still couldn't believe that was me. Horrific rolls of fat. We go to a tanning bed several times a week and I had myself convinced that my tan hid any cellulite. My legs looked like cottage cheese, and I have no knees, just rolls.

It was awful. I don't even want to go Saturday. Not that anyone ever WANTS to go to a funeral, but I just feel like I can't. But I can't not.

I really just want to crawl into my dog's crate and never come out- but I might not fit, or if I did, I might really NOT be able to get out. And I can't even laugh, because it is true and not funny at all.

I mean, HOW DARE I. How could I be thinking about me? This is my family and they are grieving. Sure, some of them haven't seen me for about 6 months (or 50 pound or so) but they aren't going to be looking at me.

How can my boyfriend STAND me? It is so gross! And how can he look at me and tell me I don't need surgery? And how can he tell me I've lost weight, he can feel it when he hugs me? Please!!

After this evening, looking for clothes, I just feel like I can't ever leave the house again. And if this isn't stupid: If I'd have had ANY idea I looked like that, I'd never have the nerve to go to they gym. I don't know if I can again.

But somehow I have to make myself go Saturday. Besides, my boyfriend's SIL knows I'm doing this. She, her husband, and their son spent a couple nights researching this for me and think it is great - so they know.

I didn't know I look like that. I know it is all going to change, but right now, this is it. And even with losing the 5% of my body weight before surgery, 5% of 230 = 11.5 - it wouldn't even be noticeable.

Oh gd, I feel

And the very worst is how the can I be thinking of me at a time like this.

WHAT is WRONG with me?

[DocSanae]

((((((HUGS)))) Nothing is wrong about you nor what you are thinking.
Deep inside, I think you want to look respectable and presentable in the sense that you are grieving, and that you want to honor the decesed and the family. That's perfectly normal.
You want to look "good" because you grieve for the man. I mean, if anyone showed up at a funeral in raggedy T shirts and worn out, torn up jeans, nobody would think that person is serious about the occasion, right? You want to look respectable because you cared for the man, loved him because he gave you your SO, and you want to convey that respect, love and grief by dressing as fit for the occasion. How you dress is an expression of yourself, and of how you think of the others in your company. If you feel that you won't be able to convey your feelings and thoughts, of course you are going to be upset.
((((((HUGS)))))) I hope you will be able to find something that makes you feel you are expressing your feelings towards your FIL, SO, and family.

[Rachael]

Oh, DocSanae, you hit the nail right on the head. Thank you. I know by next Thanksgiving I'll be a new me, I'll be half the woman I am now- I'm just sorry he won't be here.

[kimtindall]

Rachael, I am so sorry that you are having this feelings...it makes it so much harder when WE are the ones that are hurtful to ourselves. You made a decision that you wanted to make yourself a healthier person and are taking all the right steps in that direction. Just a little bit longer now. We are our own worst enemy in times like this. But you have to remember that you are just in a shell that you are going to change. My thoughts are with you at this time.

[fr1endly2]

just wanted to offer you ((((HUG)))))
you sound very much ready for surgery.
THIS is usually the last effort for us
and you sound very ready to take
this big step to fix this issue
for good.

AGAIN my condolances to you
during a tough time!
hang in there and i know
this will make you work all that much
harder for this life changeing surgery!
hugs

[A new me]

Sorry your feeling like this. I was like that too. Didnt like to go out to other places if I really didnt have too. It was a way of hiding the fat girl. But you will be a whole new person after sugery and that confidence will come back and you will feel so much better. You know that you have to do on Saturday which you have already said but it wont be easy. Be there for your family and just think of soon you will be a new person. Hang in there.

[Rachael]

Thanks, all of you.

[Ladyhawk]

Sorry you are on such an emotional rollacoster. You will make it through this though. Sounds like your SO is a great person who loves the real you and who see you, not just your packaging. What a great support person he will be during your journey to and after WLS.

My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family on Saturday.

[Chilly]

Yep, I would say you ARE ready for this journey. THIS is how "we" make that final decision that we WILL take the risk. Because "life" just isn't there anymore. I didn't look in the mirror unless I HAD to. I didn't go anywhere unless I HAD to. I was totally DISGUSTED with what I looked like. And SOOOOOO angry with myself because I had let it get to that point.

((((HUGS)))) You are still grieving for this loss Rachael, but you have ALOT going on right now in your life. You are NOT being "selfish" at all. These are the natural emotions that flood your mind at this point in this journey. It's like we are forced to look at ourselves, and see us as others see us. And it's NOT fun!!! You WILL get thru this! Try not to beat yourself up to bad. Try not to think about what others are thinking about you. Yes, I know....easier said than done, but you have to. This journey is filled with such an emotional rollercoaster ride. Just try to stay positive. And we're here for you.

[clancythecamper]

Rachael, I'm so sorry you're going thru this right now. I used to pretend I looked nice - that's all it was, I've seen the pictures! You've been thru so much, maybe if you can just shift your focus a bit these worries about what to wear, etc will be more in perspective. You and your family will be in our thoughts and prayers.