[special_k]

I'm sitting here reading lots of posts, for motivation and some self validation, I guess... and I'm feeling like I'm not succeeding at this 'weight loss after surgery thing'. It's goofy, I know. I've lost 54 pounds since Jan. 16 2008. I should be proud of that and normally, I am. But I'm stepping, at times, back onto this roller coaster of judging how I feel about myself/my body/my weight loss efforts by how I ate the day before. I know this is toxic thinking and I've not fallen into that pattern since my surgery.. until recently.

I decided to post about it to figure out what has changed in my mindset that led me back to the roller coaster, so that I can step away for good!
Part of it has come with trial and error of eating with my new & improved stomach. I've found that I'm not very sensitive to sugary or fatty foods.. and I wish I was. It would be much easier if my body rebelled in an unpleasant and immediate way. I've only had a couple episodes of frothing and it's been related to consistency of the food. The fact that I haven't had dumping is almost frightening to me... it's back to me having to be in control, rather than my anatomy controlling it for me. (I feel sorta silly even saying that out loud, but I'm trying to be honest with myself here).
I've had some other personal stuff going on and have found myself wanting to eat emotionally, usually to avoid feeling lonely or sad. It's different than before my surgery, when I would binge big time out of emotional needs, but I do find myself snacking on unplanned things as a way to 'soothe' myself. Which doesn't work... duh!

So, today I'm trying to really examine what I'm doing and why I'm feeling not very successful at this. It helps to think it through via the keyboard.

[Chilly]

((((HUGS))))

I can sooo totally relate with you! I'm a year out, and I've NEVER had a dumping experience. The foamies only came when I took too big of a bite. So, YES, it's been totally up to me to be in control! And I know what you mean when you say you want the anatomy controlling me!!! It's a blessing AND a curse I'll tell ya! And yes, I've been having some serious emotional eating troubles too. Somehow.....we have GOT to get in control. I tell myself this EVERY STINKING DAY!!! And all day long I do sooo well. But once I get home, then the grazing sneaks up on me again. I don't have answers, but I imagine they have to come from within "us". I just wanted you to know you are NOT alone!

[Trulykath]

and talking about it/typing about it will help....we are all in this together, and unfortunately, they didn't operate on our minds...just our tummy! Keep your eye on the prize and REALLY commit yourself to doing this...LOOK HOW MUCH YOU"VE ALREADY LOST...it's so worth it down the road..TRUST ME!!!

[kbfrmaz]

Kendra- I totally appreciate an honest look at how you are dealing with things- truth be told I am sure a lot of us can relate. (I know I can!) You are doing such a great job!

[greensgirl19]

Kendra - you are doing wonderful! Look how much you've lost! I have only lost 47 pounds since surgery and ours was a couple weeks apart. The emotional part of this journey is the toughest one and old habits are hard to break. We just have to use our new tool to the best of our ability and see what happens! So far so good!

[kitty56]

I can relate on some of the area in food. Now I do dump if my sugar intake gets to a certain level. So the sugar part, my surgery took care of that and I also noticed if I eat to much fatty stuff that I will dump but not as bad as I do with sugar. I love graham crackers & cream and if I eat to much of that I dump real bad from that, so I have only had that twice since surgery. I also noticed if I eat deep fyed foods, I have to be carful how much of that I eat and I dump real bad from that too. So, for me it is lots of self control. I love cheetoes but only allow 2 bags a month for me and that is my husband helping eat them and so I get only a few. Lately I have been getting more and more hungry and I fill up with veg. when the hunger hits when I am not suppose to eat. Like canned pickled green beans, pickled beets, pickles or cucumbers and sometimes olives and canned tomatoes, more or less something to keep me full until it is time for me to eat a meal. I do not post it becasue I do not know when it happens and when it does I have lots of veg. around to fill the food hunger, and it seems to work for me. I do not want to get into bad eating habits of bad foods. I try not to graze with veg. so that I do not get into the habit of grazing. But if I have the need to do so I am doing it with veg. that I canned and when I do my canning I do it all with splenda and no sugar. Becasue if I eat veg. it does not take much to fill up the pouch.
One medium pickle does it or about 1/3 to 1/2 cucumber with a little salt on it. My weight loss lately is at a snails pace, but I am proud of all the weight I lost so far.
You have lost over 50 pounds and that is great. So keep up the great work!!!

[Queenofthenile]

You're doing awesome! I haven't had surgery yet but I can relate to the emotional eating. Just keep giving yourself "pep talks" to kind of cancel out the negative head talk. ((HUGS)) I hope you feel better.

[Kenyar]

type away sister! of course no one has the answer. otherwise one of us would be extremely rich it helps to type/ think. and sharing your thoughts will make you aware of the fact that you are so not alone. this whole experience is alien and makes you wierd like a freak at times. knowing you are not alone helps....at least it helped me.

things you think and write are more than likely common thoughts amungst us all. so please continue to do it

for me, i felt and sometimes feel very unsuccessful with this because I had/ have no control over it. it just happends. and all you can do is go with it. so there was no success for me to claim. no matter how much wieght i lose, I didnt do it, the surgery did, so i feel it isnt my success to claim. wierd i know but hey...IM A FREAK!! lol.

you are doing very well. dont let the humps and bumps break you. this is a total mind trip. when you feel like you need to binge or you reach for something to snack on thats unplanned, log on here and read and post and look at pics. it is a healthy distraction doesnt taste as good as pie though LOL!

[qt82699]

i can totally relate to the feelings you are having, i have to keep reminding myself of where i came from and the fact that i am never going back there, this whole experience has been a big mind trip, and a big learning experience..your definatly not alone!!

[lvmyboys]

Kendra- we all go through times of feeling down and depressed. I think it is part of the whole process. We are women AND our hormones running crazy on us does not help matters. I find that when I have those days I refocus and that lifts my spirits...just knowing I am doing well. When my spirits are up...I continue down the right path!! Take a day or two...get back on track....the scale will move and that is motivation to stick to the journey.

I agree....come here to read and the urge to eat will pass. If you know before you are about to binge/graze....stop yourself and come to the boards. We are always here for you!!

You are done a great job and nobody said this would be easy!! We are all going through life changes and we all want the same end result...to be healthy. Stay focused with getting healthy and don't compare yourself to anyones weightloss everyone will lose differently!!