[smease]

First off, I am NOT a fan of Oprah's and I am proud of it!!!!! I totally agree that I have used food for comfort and to deal with feelings of inadequacy. For some reason, although my mother was (and is still) proud of who and what I have become, she could never really show it in a positive way. She would always critisize me and the decisions I made. She still does it to this day and I still find myself getting very upset after every conversation we have and absent mindedly opening the refridgerator. For some reason I am always seeking my mother's approval (even at the age of 44). I love my husband dearly but he can tend to be critical also which send me to the fridge.

I also equate food with weekends, celebrations, getting together with friends. All week I eat what I am supposed to but come Friday I am thinking what "bad for me" food we could have for dinner. No matter how hard I try I can't seem to change my thinking.

Unfortunately, my kids now equate food with happiness and I see my 16 year old daughter going down the same path I did. It makes me sad that she will have to deal with all of the issues I dealt with as a teenager. My 12 year old daughter has a cute, shapely figure now but I can see the potential for getting overweight once her metabolism slows down. My 9 year old son loves to eat and he is definitely overweight around the middle (just like his dad).

Well, I'll stop rambling now. Thanks for listening ( or reading actually)

[Kenyar]

Originally Posted by DocSanae

Keep in mind, our brain and body interacts very very closely.
Remember those butterflies in your stomach when you are nervous? Your emotions aren't just emotions that mess up with your mind, it also messes up with your body.

Some people are more prone to equate comfort and satisfaction with a chemo (inlucding food) than with a *mental* deed, such as reading, listening to music, meditating etc. Others hybernate. These gut reflexes are conditioned when we are still pretty young. Later, when you get older, part of the *growing up* process is processing coping mechanisms so they will help you in a postive way. This isn't easily done unless you have someone to guide you, whoever they may be.

The feeling of inadequacy can be, and is, a very strong emotion that will take a lot of good hard work to overcome, but it is worth all the hard work. It often works in a negative way, by dragging down your positive thoughts, making you doubt yourself, and along the way, making you want to turn to *old* comforts.
All this is quite normal. You need to learn to trust yourself and your choices as you go through this journey, to the level that is still unfamiliar to you, and that in itself can be scary. Sometimes, you will need guidance. Sometimes, you will need to pick other people's brains (which is what this board is here for ). Sometimes, you will be able to figure it out yourself.

All this is why this is a journey--it is a journey of discovery and rediscovery, and finding who was hiding under the excess weight you had to carry for a long time, due to one reason or another, or, more likely, due to miriads of reasons that were complicatedly intertwined with each other.
Kenyar, you are doing a very good job of unraveling the mystery of who you are.
(((((((HUGS)))))) You are a beautiful woman and person, inside and out, which also goes for everyone on this board.

I cant thank you enough for this. every response is always on point and so personable. Thank you for taking the time to do that.

[DocSanae]

Originally Posted by smease

I totally ...snip...my mother was (and is still) proud of who and what I have become, she could never really show it in a positive way...snip... For some reason I am always seeking my mother's approval ...snip....Unfortunately, my kids now ...snip....around the middle (just like his dad).

This journey involves the whole family, in truth. It is about reasserting yourself, and reasserting your family, how you interact with each other, and reasserting your family values as well.

Isn't is amazing (in this case, in a negative way) that how much, no matter how much we love other people, that we tend to find points to criticise about? And that how much we work to gain their approval no matter how unsatisfied they seem to be, with you? Since you understand how you interact with your mother, with your children, have you looked at how you interact with them, now that you see where they are going, and are worried about them? It is so easy for us to copy our parent's actions when dealing with our own childern. (Believe me, I know what I am talking about, I have been a mother for over 30 years now.) In my case, I have made the conscious effort to put myself in check whenever something comes up, think over how my parents dealt with me when I was there, think over how I felt about it then, and then look for ways to deal with whatever problem as straightforwardly as I could, as honestly as I could, without my children feeling ostracised, yet, understanding what they did, what they needed to do, and correct their direction in the future--yes, they do need to feel hurt, on some occasions, because there are lots of hurts out there in the world, so they need to learn a coping mechanism, so, while giving them a reprimand, you also need to help them learn to cope with it. What I tried to do, was to praise them for their good points, strong points first, in relation to whatever has come up, then point out to them what could have been done in a better way to avoid the problems they landed in. This isn't easy, and I don't know if I've done it well, but at least, they seem to have turned out well enough.

So, a couple of things you can do for yourself for a better relationship. You can tell your mother that her criticism hurts in a calm and positive way, make it sound like a joke if you have to--I know it isn't easy to criticise your mother, but sometimes, you need to do it, for a better relationship. You can do the same with your husband if you feel the need to.
For your children, find activities that involve food only in a remote way, or will help you serve healthy food for the whole family, and first praise your children for doing the good thing for your body, even if they say yuck, and then matter of factly mention that too much of a treat will eventually come back to you in a very bad way. Deal them with the good thoughts, not in a big bundle at one time, and forget about it after that, but deal them in small packages, but every day, every chance you get.
One of my favorite sayings. "Even dust accumilates into a mound."

CraigT often talks of turing to food as "instant relief" and "numbing yourself" which he also sees, now, as not being honest with yourself. His motto, or at least, one of his mottos, is, "Honesty is the best policy." However, it takes patience, perseverance, and tenacity for this to bear good fruits for you, and for you to feel comfortable with this, and with yourself.

Remember, even the bad things helped bring you to this good point that you are now. If one itty bitty thing had been different, you wouldn't be here. In every bad, there is a seed of good, so you must seek out that seed of good, nutur it, and turn the bad into the good. Likewise, in every good, there is a seed of bad, so you must be watchful and weed out the seed of bad when you find them.

Love yourself first, love who you are, value who you are, and care for yourself first. Unless you can do this, you can't truly love others, value others, and care for them in the way they need to receive what you have to give to them..

(((((((HUGS)))))))

[DocSanae]

I am moving this to Personal Thoughts, I think it fits in there better than Stupid Qs.

[LadyLisa]

Everyone carries baggage in their lives and it is how we deal with it that makes the difference. We can not expect our selfs to fix all of our baggage with new tags in a short time. It takes decades to make us the way we are and it will take years to get it right. And you know even when you see where all of this is coming from it still is hard to fix and I think that is why we get so mad with our self when we falter. We see and and figure we can hit it head on and make it go away right away but even when I was body building I found a lot of my old habits knocking at my door. I was big carb eater, Salty things like popcorn and pretzels and cheesy poofs. It was hard even after five years of body building and every day strict food intake so I know that this is going to be a life long journey and have excepted that and just am happy when I end up on the winning side most of the time. BTW I never watched Opera and never will. I admire her for where she came from and what she has done but like someone said look at the power she seems to have over her followers and it has always looked like a cult from where I stand..lol..

[qt82699]

i dont like oprah either..lol anyhow, thanks for all the info guys!! i think alot of my bad eating is in my head..some days i just feel like it sucks and is not fair when everyone around me can eat what they want and stay skinny and i feel like i have to work so hard for it, i have been bouncing around in the 190s forever and it is really starting to wear on me!!