[Kenyar]

i've been lurking a bit. work has gotten a bit hectic, so i read but i dont post as much as i use o. and its getting so hard to catch up.

for some reason, right before TOM i get these thoughts; i generally reflect. it can be a bit overwhelming at times. i guess thats all the hormonal crap...DOC WHEN DO THE HORMONES SETTLE DOWN AGAIN????

anyhoo...
i was sitting here, treating myself to a white castle cheese burger thinking about how pre-op i could eat an entire sack of 10 burgers, a pack of chicken rings, a pack of fries, and a large iced tea...and it dawned on me, as i became nausiated off of the ONE i just ate, that things have changed dramatically. i dont even enjoy it. i dont really even know why i ate it to be honest...this is what freaks me out a bit.
right now, food is the enemy. it all tastes wierd. none of it sits comfortable in the pouch. everytime i eat i get 4 good bites and then im full and that pisses me off should it make me mad? probably not...

my dr put me back on lexapro for he depression. im kind of relieved in a sense. i was weaning and it was so hard to stay ontop of the emotions and cutting down the dose. the EXCELLENT part is he has supplied me with all the meds i need free of charge. he gets the samples from the reps and gives them to me. he handedme 2 months woh today. i dont have RX coverage right now so that is a godsend. he has also ordered me a vial of b12 and has showed me how to administer my own shots. i have to say that crossing this dr's path has truly been a blessing. i have to admit that i havent really been feeling "well" and he is attempting to figure out why. still losing weight though slowly, thats kind of bumming me out too. i feel like a freak and am now starting to look like one...HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!

i guess that brings me to my reason for posting. mostly to get all of this out but i guess im looking for ideas. i am so tired i feel like i am losing my mind. i am drinking, moreso than eating. so im not low on fluids. im getting my protein, with the exception of today; i ate candy for two meals which is bad but i havent done that in a while so im not beating myself up. i have been walking 2 miles a day. usually when i exercise i have more energy thru the day and sleep better at night but i just feel very run down. my body aches sometimes. i dunno. it has me a bit down in the dumps. i want to feel GOOD. i just dont. im not getting restful sleep either. no idea what any of this is about. but my dr promises to get to the bottom of it.

for now im trying my best to drink, take the darn vitamins , rest, and...eat. i will keep you all posted.

PS. get this, i had my bloodwork done this week. everything is normal so if im not deficient in anything why do i feel like a run over subway token? i dont get it...

[DocSanae]

(((((HUGS))))))
I'll be honest. I think it's depression, mostly. I know it sucks to be even thinking that, but that is what this exactly is. It robs you of "normal" emotions and thinking, and you start blaming yourself for everything. You still need a ways of working out your feelings, and learning coping techniques. Since your new dr is very good, why don't you ask him if there's a therapist he can recommend to work with you, once your insurance comes into full effect.
Yes, the hormones will still play havoc on you, it will probably take a year or so more until things settle down in that area. You have to be at a stable weight for a while before everything settles down.
Another thing you could have checked are the minute minerals, the ones that we have only in very small amounts, sometimes almost negligible amounts, yet very important to us. Zinc, copper, magnesium, mangan, phosphate etc. Needing them in only small amounts means that lacking them even one small iota will cause havoc. See what your dr thinks of this idea.
((((((((HUGS)))))) I hope you'll be feeling better soon.

[greensgirl19]

I was waiting until tomorrow about posting 'where's Kenya?'. We miss you. I'm sorry you're going through all this, but I side with doc. I take wellbutrin and once tried to wean off of it and all those bad/sad/'things not right' feelings came flooding back and it took a while to get right again. It makes me nervous because now I'm hesitant to wean off again because it messed me up for weeks. Right now they want me to stay on them because of the risk of depression after wls and my previous history and my current relationship situation, so I'll worry about it when I need to.
You sound like you hit a gold mine with that new doc of yours in many ways! That is truly a blessing.
All I can say is ((((((((hugs)))))))).

[CeeCee]

Kenya, I am sorry to hear you are feeling so down. You are normally someone who keeps everyone smiling. I hope your doctor finds out what is wrong and can help you feel better.

You have been through quite a year. It's not surprising that it catches up with you now and then. Maybe once your meds kick in, they will give you the boost you need to get through this rough patch.

Remember what an inspiration you have been to so many people and how much we all care about you. Take it easy on yourself. We are our own worst critics. You have done so many things to be proud of and you are a courageous woman. Take the time to be proud of yourself and enjoy your successes.

I hope you feel better soon.

[LittleLisaMarie]

Sorry your having such a rough time. I know how your feeling.....i have been up and down so many times......just try to hang in there and make sure you talk to someone all the time ......

[Kenyar]

i thank you all for the kind words. doc, im sure you're right. i tend to want things fixed NOW. im gonna have to wait this one out. i do have a question though about depression i know disruption of sleep patterns is one of the signs; do i allow myself to lay around during the waking hours? i really am so tired....but i dont know if that will make it worse or not...

as for the shrink situation. the dr is actually going to have someone in the office 2 days per week doing psych consults. that might be another golden opportunity for me. from what i hear she is a woman since men shrinks dont seem to be working out for me i WILL participate i promise! i need all of this under control. i hate feeling like this.

thanks for all the support.

[Trulykath]

I can't relate to the hormone situation...haven't had TOM in SEVERAL years....so my estrogen is ingested and I tend to be in a pretty good mood mostly...

I'm sorry you are having a rough time....I didn't know you were adjusting the depressants, but I think going back on them should help.....you know you will always have us...and we'll listen and help in any way we can!

[MsVickie]

There you are. Belive it or not I can tell when your down on yourself. Take your meds honey and stop that weaning already. There is nothing wrong with taking them. When you feel better that means there working well and certinally dont start to wean at that time. I know alot of people who do just that and it messes them up a while. You working for a physican right now is a great thing. You do see the additional benefits already. I agree with Doc. Its ok though honey you will find your place and thrive.

[Kenyar]

you are very right msvickie. i shouldnt have thought it was ok to do this. BUT i will say i was following my previous dr's instruction. he actually told me i shouldnt have to wean because i was only on lexapro for 6 months which was DEAD WRONG. i tried to just stop taking them and my body freaked out. i had THE WORST withdrawl; and im not even talking the emotional stuff. i would sweat, and shake and stuff...it was crazy.
anyway, i am totally open to taking it. i was concerned about how i would afford it without insurance because this stuff is EXPENSIVE, but the dr took care of that for me.
i get that this takes time but whats somewhat frustrating is the cycle. right before TOM i get like this all over again. i will be ok for 3 weeks or so then this again. do i take more that week?? i dont know what to do to manage it.

[lazell]

I have to agree with Doc.. Yes its Lazell..I hate depression,it effects so many parts of our lives. Do you enjoy seeing flowers or children playing?? Those are a couple of ? I ask myself to know if Im in my whole.I hope you will do better now that your back on the pills. I do wellbutrin but sometimes I have to to a bump for a while.You look great!!! I wish you felt as good as you look... Hopefully real soon.Lazell