[kitty56]

I was looking at my pictures on the computor early this morning, had trouble sleeping so I dinked around the computor almost all night. Well I went threw my pictures and my pictures brought me to tears. I hardly did not recognize myself and was wondering who that person is and I feel like I am a way different person now. I just had to stare at those pictures, I just could hardly believe I was that person a year ago. I have so many emotions right now. I think it really hit me looking at them tonight. I just never let it bother me before but it sure is hard for me tonight. I cried seeing those pictures of me being so heavy and do not know why it is hitting me so hard now. I am very happy where I am at now and looking forward to losing more weight and I am happy about how far I have come. I do not know if it is happy tears or just tears of what I had done to myself, it is not really discust of myself looking at the pictures, it is like, who am I now and who was I before. I feel like I am so different now. Is this normal. I put some pictures together of me before and after and maybe you can help me figure it out or is it all catching up with me now.

[kitty56]

pictures of before and after

[DocSanae]

Kitty, I think your thoughts are much in line with this thread that's in Personal Thoughts.
It's All Relative...
If you don't mind, I would like to merge your posts into the thread, so everyone can discuss this in the same thread.

[qt82699]

kitty, i really do think u become a different person, or maybe just the person you really always have been that was hiding inside that body? i know exactly how u feel, you have done great and have so much to be proud of!!

[amina6ae]

you sure should be proud of all you've accomplished!!!!!!!

you are blossoming into a beautiful flower every day with changes... mind body and spirit!!
i love that about you cause you are not afrais to show how your feeling, & to those of us that have the same feelings yet have a difficult time expressing it, you help us to remember that we are NOT COMPLETELY GOING CRAZY when we get these meltdowns!!!

Thank you Kitty for sharing , & please continue to do so....

LOL,

[judijo]

I see this as a form of mourning. Ever been to a funeral and thought, "Oh, my gosh...such potential, never used." (I have been to WEDDINGS and heard that...but I digress)

What I just wrote reminded me of a co-worker I had for a while who was a user. (Stick with me...there is a correlation.) Came to work hung over. Hazed eyes. Long lunches. erratic behavior in general. Took management months of documentation to eventually fire her. Yesterday I heard she was at Lake Havasu with friends last weekend, with a drunk boat driver, and an accident occurred that left her paralyzed (C-3 fracture) "Chris Reeve"-style. Another died in the same accident. Will never breathe on her own etc. Such potential. Now to never be used.

I see my weight loss, and eventual looks back at pics of my former self, as a mourning of who I was, who I could have remained, and who, without the grace of God and a few brave surgeons somewhere in history who had the foresight to remove stomachs for our advantage, and all the surgeons who followed and revised, would probably be dead within 10 years instead of looking forward to a longer, more active, and generally happier member of society.

The butterfly never mourns the caterpillar or the cocoon, but they are merely animals. We, as humans, have the blessing (or curse) of the wisdom and knowledge of what we were and what we could have been, and thus we mourn.

Off the soapbox now.

[Perfesser]

Originally Posted by kitty56

I cried seeing those pictures of me being so heavy and do not know why it is hitting me so hard now. I am very happy where I am at now and looking forward to losing more weight and I am happy about how far I have come. I do not know if it is happy tears or just tears of what I had done to myself, it is not really discust of myself looking at the pictures, it is like, who am I now and who was I before. I feel like I am so different now. Is this normal. I put some pictures together of me before and after and maybe you can help me figure it out or is it all catching up with me now.

Many times on this board we read a phrase something like "head game" or "mental image" or such like. There is a mental component to a radical change such as we are all experiencing. Gradually, over a period of years, we have accepted in some degree the labels associated with obesity. Most of those labels are negative and hold us down.

Now, in a period of a few short months, we have reversed our trajectory and gained (or maybe regained) control over our bodies. Those old labels have been falling off like the pounds we once carried. This is where the mental component comes in. It's a major adjustment for our bodies, and no less for our minds. How many folks here have you heard state something to the effect that they don't feel thin, or they can't see the change from a 90 pound weight loss? The pictures tell a different story.

You have just experienced a mental readjustment. There is a sense of loss to it. Some call it mourning, but whether it's mourning for who we were or for lost opportunities that are now ours, it's hard to say. But it is normal! You're not going crazy. If anything, you're becoming saner.

Those pictures tell a story that can no longer be ignored or denied. You have gained a large measure of control in your life, and that allows you to dream dreams you once denied yourself. Accept the changes joyfully, and remember the lessons you've learned about yourself. The old Diana is on the hard drive. The new Diana is becoming the shining goddess the Romans worshiped.

We can't deny or turn away from our past, but we can focus forward to who we are becoming. Life is change. You've made a major one this last year.

Embrace the new and enjoy her!!

CT

[beckamarie]

Ya know Diane I think what you are feeling is absolutely normal. This journey is so much more the just the physical reconstruction of out stomaches its a reconstruction of the way we think and feel. I have become so much more out going since losing the weight and as much as I like the "new" me I am sometimes sad that I let myself be controlled y my weight. You have done a great job and will continue to do so. I am so proud of you my friend, hang in there and keep it up

[kitty56]

Thank you all for your wonderful comments and good advice. I am going to have to look at myself differently compared to before and like some said I have to embrace the new me. I was telling my friend what had happened to me when I looked at the pictures and she told me not to look at them anymore if they hurt me that much and I told her I need to look at them and to remind me where I was and that helps me to keep on track and do what I need to do for myself to keep the weight off. When I look at them I know it was me but now It is as if I am looking at someone else and not me. I loved myself then as I do love myself now, but just looking at the pictures reminds me where I was and what I did to myself and wondering, how in the world could I have done that to me.Then I think of everything I was missing out on and for soooooo many years. Latley my mind is working overtime just thinking of things like that . Why am I doing this now and before, I was just so happy losing which I still am but my brain is thinking of all these stupid things now and I should just be happy now with what I have accomplished. People who never have had a weight problem do not have nothing to look back on with weight and think to themselves why, but we do becasue we have pictures to remind us of what we did to ourselves. Maybe which is a good thing to keep us on track but ohhhh how it hurts. Sorry for going on and on about this.

[greensgirl19]

We all know that this surgery affects us physically, we just neve think about the emotional aspect. This is a very emotional journey that started the day we became overweight. You are a beautiful woman who has done an amazing job! You have a lot to be proud of and we are all proud of you too!