[Kenyar]

that was excellent doc.

[Imlosinit]

Very Well Put Doc.

I'm probably repeating, but wanted to share a few thoughts too.

Da Perfesser hit it right on the money about what a true man is. I met one of those.. and Married him. Granted, I was 35 when we met and 37 when we got married, but I waited for my MAN. He married me obese.. I was 245. I wanted children and I wanted them young.. Did I get them then? NO. I was 37 and my husband was 45 when we got married. He was sterile and couldn't have children, I had PCOS which I didn't know I had until I tried to get pregnant. I just thought my cycles were off because I was obese. Well, they were.. but it was more than that. Anyway... The big deal the Dr's discussed with me was Downs Syndrome. I wasn't even pregnant yet but they were making me aware that it was a strong possiblity because of my "advanced Maternal Age". I didn't care.. if God chose a Down's Syndrome baby for me, I would love him/her unconditionally. I was willing to risk it for having a child, because I wanted to have a baby. We used an annonymous sperm donor (the same for both my kids), and let me tell you.... those kids couldn't be more my husbands if he'd biologically fathered them. ...he's their father 100%. the same could be said for you as a mother should you decide to go a different route to have a baby. I had my babies at 39.. and almost 41.

Having said all this about trying to have a baby biologically, we didn't care HOW we became parents, we just wanted to BE parents. I wasn't bothered at all by the possiblity of not conceiving. I told anyone who asked me that, should I not become pregnant we were prepared to adopt. We'd already gotten applications from 2 agencies and while trying to get pregnant with our daughter, I told dh.. if we don't get pregnant this time.. it's our last try... we'll fill out the adoption papers and send them in .. and we were both fine with that. I know adoption is not for everyone.. but my feelings were.... "God has a child selected for us... I just know it.... whether it be an angel in heaven waiting to be born of my womb, or a baby already here waiting to be born of my HEART"... I was ready, willing and able to love that baby for the rest of my life.

You need to step back from your situation... take a good hard look about what you really want... then MAKE IT HAPPEN!!!! We have depression in my family.. my sister had kids with ADD and ADHD, my other sister HAS ADD and ADHD, so I guess it must run in my family..but never once did it occur NOT to have a child because they might have it. They could be born with any number of things..... but then again... they could be born perfect.

Good luck.... and I hope you find the happiness you're looking for.

[Trulykath]

I have waited to jump in here.....because I had to calm down and remain objective. I am 43 years old...I have a 14 year old beautiful daughter...and a 19 year old beautiful son. My Ex hubby and his entire family are all clinically depressed. They are all on meds....have been for years.

My 19 year old son was diagnosed with ADHD at 5 years of age and immediately started on ritalin. I have fought the battle for years..with my ex, my son, the schools etc....BUT LET ME TELL YOU ONE THING. Don't you let your doctors use this as an excuse to NOT HAVE A CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, it's challenging. Yes, they are disabled....and it's harder yet cuz you can't see the disability.....but my son is the most loving, bright, funny person I know. When he's having an "ON" day, there is NO ONE I WOULD RATHER BE AROUND.

You need a new doctor....the ones you are seeing have loose wingnuts....

[lvmyboys]

Ok...I have also waited to jump in on this but I have to say.....I am married to a manic depressive and we have 2 children. My husband is medicated and is an outstanding person, husband, and father. My children are 11 and 7. My husband has a brother that is schizophrenic (sp?). Depressive and physcological disorders obvisiously run in his family. I would never let this stop me from having children with him. There are all sorts of genes and disorders that can be past down and there are things like Downs Syndrom that just happen. This does not stop people from having children and we take a risk everytime we get pregnant. There are so many medications and ways to deal with such disorders. With both of my children having a 50/50 chance....I love them and give them the best life possible with love and attention...if something should ever come up...I would get them the help and attention they would need. Having children is a life change and can have an impact on ones mood and maybe your doctor feels you can not handle that at this point in your life which is why he says it would be to much strain. I am not sure if you are in a serious relationship but when the time comes of marriage and children I would revisit this issue again. I would not dwell on this now because your health may change and your ability to manage your depression and so may the doctors opinion. When I met my husband almost 14 years ago he was in a very different stage of his life and I must say the Bipolar disorder was much more obvious...today and for the past 10 years it is much different...with the help of meds and stabilization in his life.

[DocSanae]

Originally Posted by Trulykath

Don't you let your doctors use this as an excuse to NOT HAVE A CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No dr will tell his/her patients not to have children on this. Kath, I imagine none of your drs or none of your ex's drs did.
scrobin was told by the drs of the 50-50 probability of passing on the genes for her conditions--which, incidentally doesn't always mean that the child will present clinical symptoms of them, he/she may just carry the genes and not be affected unless the genes are very dominant in the appearance of clinical whatever. Nowhere in her post is there any statement that her drs said "no" outright to having children. In fact, she writes that her PCP has never said "no". They/we will be honest about the chances of certain conditions, and may advise that it might not be wise right at this moment for one reason or another, but never "never" unless it's physcially threatening to the mother-to-be's life. Like (as I wrote) a heart condition that would put a severe strain on the mother during the pregnancy due to the added amount of circulation while nurturing the baby in the womb. Even in those situations, some women will insists on carrying on their pregnancies, and in these situations, the drs will do the best to keep both the mother and child safe till the birthing takes place.

As I said, whatever the issues are, it's for the parents to decide, not the drs. If someone decides not to have children, that's their mileage, if they do decide to have children, that also is their mileage. Even if the dr may think pregnancy at a cetain stage is unwise, they will give their patients all the help they need to bring forth as healthy as possible baby from as healthy as possible mother. Whether or not to have children because of the issues one has, is that person's decision. That is to be respected, but also, the responsibility of having made this decision whichever it is, rests on the person him/herself. Don't blame the drs, don't put words in their mouthes that they haven't said.

No one can direct anybody elses' lives. Only we ourselves can decide what to do for ourselves. A lot of things will change over time. Some decisions, we have to make now, but others, we can make later. Obviously, for scrobin, the order of things is to meet someone worthy of her affections, worthy to spend the rest of herl ife with, and then, what to do about having children--biological or not. The first order of things is to complete her education, to experience fully what her life holds for her at this moment. The first order of things is to improve on herself, just as we all need to keep on improving ourselves throughout our lives. The first order of things is to make the best of our lives with what we have on hand. Take things one day at a time, do our best for what today has set for each one of us. This will add up over the days, the weeks, the years. When we look ahead, the distance will look far and long. When we look back, it will seem to have been short, not that far. Along the way, so long as we are truthful to ourselves, and true to us, someone will come along who will be a wonderful partner to have.

Everyone who's had a say on this so far have made the best of their lives with what they have on hand--and done so excellently.

Choose when there's a need to choose--you don't have to choose right now what is still in the future. When you arrive at that fork in the road, if you've done what you need to do, if you are truthful about yourself, and true to you, then, the right choice for you will come to you very naturally.

[Kenyar]

i think whats getting everyone riled up is the way the issue was presented. the bottom line is, it is a choice. and some people might be offended because they actually CANNOT have children of their own...

the bigger issue is why. but maybe its more than what has been presented. who knows really. i still say good luck in whatever you choose. just know that if you back yourself into a corner, in the corner is where you stay. no one can pull you out but yourself.

[lvmyboys]

I agree with Kenya..."robbed of my womenhood" sounds as if it is impossible to have children. Many women actually are "robbed" because of numerous conditions in which it is physically impossible to have children. My best friend is 33 years old and has had all her womenly parts taken out. She has experienced numerous life changes since.....she is on many medications for depression, and other emotional conditions that steamed from the procedure and life changing event for her. I guess you could say she feels "robbed". A doctor just merely giving their opinion or statistics in which a child may be ADD or depressed does not prevent you from phyisically concieving a child. It is a choice. I agree with doc...wait until you come to that point in your life to make the decision.

[Perfesser]

Another example of someone being "robbed" would be my wife. Due to medical complications resulting from a medication her mother took during the pregnancy, my wife was unable to carry past the first trimester. The drug (DES) was commonly administered in the early '50s to women threatening to miscarry. (My mother-in-law had experienced 5 miscarriages prior to the successful birth of my wife, the first of eight children. Four of my wife's siblings were also affected by this. Her sister couldn't have kids, either.) DES worked superbly in that role, but many years later it was discovered that the children of those pregnancies had a host of problems, from cancers of various types to tumors and growths, many of which affected the ability to reproduce.

So my wife was robbed of her ability to have children by her mother's taking of a drug, without which my wife would not have been born. Compared to the risk of possibly passing on a bad gene for a treatable condition, I know who I think was "robbed", but there ain't a durned thing can be done about it. That's the hand that was dealt, and when God's the dealer, there're no appeals or do-overs!!

BTW - if everyone with a potentially defective gene refrained from having children, the planet would be devoid of human life within a hundred years!

A little perspective may be in order here.

CT

[DocSanae]

Very well put, everyone.
We ALL have some kind of issues, whether we talk about it or not. Learning how to deal with, accept life, and work with the gifts we've been given, is what becoming a responsible adult means.

Originally Posted by Perfesser

BTW - if everyone with a potentially defective gene refrained from having children, the planet would be devoid of human life within a hundred years!

If the only kind of people on Earth were saints and geniuses, the world would be quite dull, if you ask me.
It's the wonderful great variety, the people who are completely different from other people, ane meeting them is what makes life interesting.
It's learning and understanding how other people think and react, and interacting with them, that broadens our horizons.
Every experience we go through, whether seemingly bad at a first glance, has the potential of turning good later, has the potential of being the motivator for us to do better. We can't judge the true worth of things until quite a while has passed. So, we need to learn to make do and do the best with what we have.
When there are choices, and the final choice and direction to take are up to us, with that comes the responsibility of accepting the results of our choices and work with what comes along from our choice. No complaining other than a "sheesh..., okay, I'll do what I must."

We need to understand that we live "Life on life's terms, not life on our terms."

[sue4491]

I have ADD but did not pass it to our son... two of HIS kids have ADD however ... BUT having lived with ADD for all my life, I don't think it's a dealbreaker.

Depression may or may not be hereditary - the jury is still out on this.

The pregnancy being a strain may be something to consider - that's kind of something you need to decide. As someone said here, you may have to ditch some of your meds during pregnancy (or it may be better for the baby if you can do it).

As for me, I felt wonderful during pregnancy but everyone is different.

Having kids is a very personal decision. You don't have to have kids to be happy. A new study out of (I think?) the UK suggested that couples who do NOT have kids are happier in some ways than those who have kids. Whatever the case, in our society, either way is acceptable and what that research seems to suggest (whether people agree or not) is that people can be happy and fulfilled WITH or without kids...

Sending a hug!!