[Trulykath]

Haven't been here as much as I used to....I went 15 pounds below goal and got very hollow...I clocked in this morning at 147 and I feel heavy again.....some of the empty skin has filled in...and I don't like it....

Let me re-trace some steps for those who are new...I got pretty thin and when I went in for a plastics consult, the surgeon told me I was about 120 pounds without the skin....hubby (and LOTS of others) said I might want to gain a little back...and if you remember, I had reservations about that....slowly, but surely, adding good calories and sticking to my plan...after I stayed at 139 FOREVER, I've gained back up to 147....and I feel fat....

I know that sounds shallow....and I just about EVERYONE I know says I look a LOT better.....so why do I feel like I've failed?

I need to regroup...and re-think...I never really truly saw the real me in the mirror...and now that I've gained, you always have this little voice in the back of your head going "I'm going to be THAT one that failed at this"

This journey is so hard sometimes....am I the only one that feels this way?

[A new me]

Being over 2 years out I can relate. Its a total mind thing for me. I too got down and people kept saying your too thin. I put about 5 pounds on but there are days that I do feel like the old fat me. Its so hard to explain to others. I too feel that I am just sitting here waiting to fail like I had so many times in the past. In the past things never worked and I always gained it back. I can honestly say that I am better off and most days I need a reality check. For me its getting dressed every day for work and the clothes still fit and they dont get tighter or loose so I know I am holding my own and that does make me feel good.
But I do know where your coming from Kath.

[Trulykath]

That's the thing...I purchased some TINY jeans....and they no longer fit....did I really think I would stay at a size ZERO???? I know after plastics that they might fit again...without all this dadgum skin....but it's going to take a while (after losing my job last year) to save up for plastics...it could be next summer before I'm able to do any more surgery....just trying to maintain until then is going to be a rough trip...

[not quite Barbie]

I know! It's so weird, I'll look in the mirror and see all the bones showing and know that I'm really to thin, yet part of me still thinks I'm fat. I was stressing out about a family matter a few weeks ago (not worth getting into the details) and dropped 4 pounds! Yikes. I had been holding the line at 130 since December and suddenly I'm down to 126. But I still feel fat most days.

It's kind of scarry because I worry that I'm going to go anorexic or something. I'm still eating 6 meals a day, and Yes Vicki I take all my vitamins and supplements. But I'm so afraid that I'm going ot get too thin because I can't get my head to grasp how thin I already am. I look down at myself and see wide hips and fat legs, but I'm in a 6! How can I not see? Sooooo weird.

[A new me]

Oh yeah its a total mind thing. I still feel that this whole journey needs more phych stuff. At least around here with my practice that I went to. It trully does mess with my mind and some days its a total mental trip.
And yes hang on to the jeans. After my plastics I was amazed how much things fit differently. Its amazing. so just hang tight and save your pennies.

[DocSanae]

(((((HUGS)))))) Hang in there. Eventually, you will really *get* it, even though on rare occasions, the feeling may come back--this is right out of the horses's mouth, who's name happens to be CraigT
However, it won't be easy, and this actually is probably what you will have a hard time having others understand, unless they're *there* as well. But, you can get through, and you can stay successful, too.
For sooooo long, from your pre op planning stage, to where you get to start thinking "I gotta stop", your focus was on LOSING. Now, you don't need that focus--your focus is on KEEPING. Just this turn about is tough, and you're new at this, because you yo-yoed every single time before, and somewhere deep in your mind, there's that little in you that's expecting a repeat performance. This is only natural, because you've never been where you are now before. So you look around for signs that are familiar to you, and get focused on that. This time though, you need to go one step further from this, and step away from this familiar focus because it can trip you. Ever been told that when you are driving and see a car coming toward you, if you want to avoid the car, don't look at the car, but look straight ahead because if you look at the car, you will invariably drive into it, even though you are trying to avoid it? It's the same thing. Don't focus on the wrong thing, on what may go wrong. Focus on what is going right, and what will continue to go right so long as you keep looking straight ahead, even though you see a familiar scenario hovering around. Trust in yourself that your tool will always be there and work for you, so long as you stick to the rules.
Kath, with your strong will, I'm sure you'll be fine. (((((HUGS)))))

[Trulykath]

I'm hanging on to the jeans...and all my other clothes still fit...even nearly 10 pounds heavier....I KNOW IN MY MIND...I had gotten too thin...I look back at the pics...and think WOW...you looked bad!!! My face was sunk in..my collar bones were sticking out....thing is...I NEVER really felt fat at 280...and now...I feel HUGE!! How freaking weird is that?

[Trulykath]

AND...this is important for the newbies....I still follow the plan...drink nearly a gallon of water EVERY day....get at least 65 grams of protein...take ALL my supplements...keep the plan in place....

I ate a frozen meal yesterday for lunch...picked out the chicken and veggies...it came with rice...and aside from the few pieces that stuck to the chicken, I threw the rest of the rice away....I'll still very carb/fat-phobia....and I'm limiting those BIG time...

[MsVickie]

You know what Kathy as much as I want to help you I just now got to my own goal and have no idea how to. And I wanna help everyone as you can tell. Sigh..

Ms Barbie your funny but right! Am I that bad?

I will however give you a bit of insight to what happend to me a couple months ago and what really made me look at it differently. My best friend who is my cousin had this done a couple years before myself. Shes like me has skin hanging mainly on her thighs and arms. On me its stomach and thighs. I was trying on some clothes she had shrunk out of. She is a whole 5'2 and im 5'10. When undressing I told her GOD look at all the fat on me. Grabbed my arm and said listen to me im in therapy 3 times a week and I know for a fact your not fat. That is skin not fat and they are totally different things. That did strike me and has really helped me look at myself a bit differently. This girl has been in therapy most of her life from childhood on. She finally found a great thearpist whom actually deals with WLS patients and has really helped her alot. She just so happened accross him and had no idea he was skilled in that area and that wasnt what she was seaking help for.

So when you looking at it pick up and handful........you know what I mean and know that is skin. I have been retaining alot of water lately. Its summer and we drink more. I noticed my calfs filled out more one day and almost freaked. I looked down at my feet and noticed ok this is some fluid retention and understood it more then.

I dont have TOM no more but I swear even being in Menopause I still hold water ect a week before the old schuduled event.

I do miss you posting here. Alot. I miss alot that arent around no longer. I have to come here to help understand and just keep my self straight. You ARE a tiny thing right now. Perhaps listening to your hubby or the friends you really do trust is a good thing. No i havent been there yet to gain. Im sure it will come at some point.

You changing jobs was alot of stress remember I was here and went though the same thing. It works on your mind and body. I do agree with A new me on the pshy side of things. As much as we dont think we will need it we do. I mean I never ever seen one before going through the red tape to have it. I am seeing one for the first time since surgery for my sleeping right now but he found some issues he wants to help me with also.

Now body image wise...... Im acutally ok because i havent been this weight since like 9th grade? So I dont remember what it was like to look like this. Im liking it alot acutally even with the skin underneath the clothes. Its SKIN!!! Not fat!

Please come back and post more often it really helps somtimes just helping others going though the same thing we did. There are alot of new ones on here and yes they are asking the same questions we did and Im so very thankful somone put up with me asking them the same ones. We love you Kath. You know that.

[lvmyboys]

I totally know what you are saying. Although I have not gotten down as low as some of you....I obsess over being fat when everyone around says I am thin. I do not see myself as thin. I work out obsessivly also. My husband asked me the other day at an amusement park when I thought I would be happy with my size. I sat and thought and looked up and there was a very thin girl with a bikini on and her body was great! I said when I look like that!! He just looked at me and said "you have no idea how good you look right now". I don't see it. I wonder if I ever will. I posted pics yesterday and sat and picked myself apart! When will this pass?????

Kath....you probably feel "fat" cause your clothes are fitting differently. Its always hard to go up in sizes or feel like clothes are tighter then they were in prior days BUT....a size zero is WAY too small for your height!!! I say ditch the jeans and don't ever try to get into them again!!! Striving to get back into size zero could be bad for your mind!!! Anything below a 6 is VERY small for someone of your height. I think a 6-8 is average. I am sure you look great and the people around you are probably the best judge of size at this point since we can't seem to see ourselves in true light.