[Kenyar]

I will preface this by saying that I believe the hardest part of this for me has been the emotional side. Everything else always seems to fall into place..

I am just curious what others think about the line between self esteem and cockiness? In my life, I have basically done for everyone else. I would give my last to a friend in need. But lately I have been feeling as if the things I have settled for in the past are no longer good enough. I am finding myself questioning everything from friendships to my job choice. I am even contemplating a HUGE move down south. And I am wondering, is me saying "I deserve better" or saying things like "I shouldnt have to settle because I am better than that..." bordering on having a big head or an ego just because I've lost weight? and people are paying attention to me etc? There is a fine line between thinking highly of yourself and being full of yourself. Have I crossed it? Am i slowly approaching it?

I know this is probably only something I can answer, but I just thought I'd put it out there. See if anyone felt or feels the same now that their weightloss is in full swing.

I sometimes feel very guilty when I think of me first as opposed to others first which I have done my entire life...

[Chilly]

Guuuurl, if you are ANYTHING like me I would have to say H*LL NO!!!! My self esteem had gotten SO low that I would "settle" for things/people in my life. I made a decision awhile back to start WANTING better for me because I deserve it! And YOU do too!!! We only have one chance with our life, it's time we be HAPPY, CONFIDENT, AND LOVED!!! And to be loved, we have to love ourselves. And this is where it all begins!!!

[BreeChick]

I think it's part of the 'wake up call' that happens with this process. It's like one day we wake up, look in the mirror and realize..Daaamnn, I've settled for less because I was hugely FAT!!!

We look at our marriage, our jobs, our friends, our lives and go oh my gawd...

When we lose weight and start approaching a smaller size or even just a more "acceptable" size and people suddenly begin to 'see' us, be nicer to us, wow even flirt with us! man oh man...our heads start changing and I don't think it's about thinking "well I'm all that!" or anything.

not at all..it's about waking up to the fact there is more out there waiting, more than what we settled for.

Sometimes it's pretty scarey too..but hey, it's part of life and working through it and it IS worth it baby..it is!

--bree

[Kenyar]

Its so great to have found this site. because let me tell you my non up friends just dont understand at all.

I have to say that I fully intend NOT to forget where I came from or the fact that I could return there at anytime. This surgery was such a gift. and the further out i get the more my eyes open to different things in my life because of it.

[DocSanae]

As your size changes, yes, your perspective of life will change.
You probably had your size alway sway your decision in one way or another.
Did you find that you needed to *prove* yourself because of your size before, but now, you don't have to, you are accepted just as is?

Basically, as you regain your self esteem, you will learn to see to your needs first, then help with the needs of others. This is how it should be. Unless you love yourself, unless you can respect who you are, then it won't be easy to love others in the way they should be loved, nor to respect others in the way they should be.
The only person that requires care from you before yourself, are your children, as they are helpless in the world. As they grow older, and more independent, less dependent on you, even with them, certain boundaries will grow, though your child is always your child, so that boundary will be somewhat lower compared to the rest of the world.

Consider your emotional process a relearning, re-growing up so to speak. It's not easy to face head on, issues that you may necessarily have dodged till now, but you've been given a second chance to learn this.
Do not be afraid, go ahead and test your boundaries, it is better to hit walls and learn how to overcome them, than to avoid walls and be fenced in for the rest of your life.

I hope you've found someone who'll help you through this stage of the journey, I know you have been looking around.

((((((((HUGS))))))))

[FemmeMode]

One of the things that endears me to you more and more Kenya is your inner healing - emotions - authenticity....(whatever you want to call it) that you are doing!!!
You are doing sooooo well....and this is what is going to change the course of your ENTIRE JOURNEY! I'm just tickled for you.

I don't think it's "ego" or "cocky-ness"....
It's the human right....you've always deserved it. Not anymore now than you did 50# ago.
You have a right - as a human....to live life fully... vibrantly... passionately... lovingly....powerfully!
You deserve to "Live the life you love"... to "Live...Laugh...LOVE!" ~ All the cliche's...they are your's!!!

Sadly...somewhere along the way of gaining all that weight - you insulated your body...and your emotions. You blocked yourself out from certain "truths"..."rights"....and made up some fiction along the way...and began to play a game (of sorts.) You became a role in your own personal play. (Mine, was a musical incidentally - LOL - bet it could be on Broadway! LOL)

Anyway....In playing your role - "The Fat Girl" played by the gorgeous & talented Kenya!!! (you did a good job, didn't you???)
Anyway...I wonder what your pay-off that you got from pretending all that?? For me...it was all about being in control....and avoiding being dominated by others.

With my pay-off's....came some serious impacts of what it was costing me in my daily life ....it wasn't until I saw these that I realized I was DONE playing that role. And gave it up.
__________________________________________________ ______

One was that I was stifled...and couldn't really love myself...and therefore...it would effect my loving my daughter FULLY and completely in the way she deserved to be loved.

For me, I didn't deal with a personal sense of "self loathing"...or "body issues" - even at 333#'s. I truly thought I was beautiful...b/c I was.....and I felt sexy. Because I was still a very sexual / sensual woman....so, I was sexy. But....there was something deeply wrong with my not feeling concerned for my health & never wanting to talk about food or my health due to my obesity.
Basically the "lie" that I was telling myself that it wasn't my 'eating' that was making me fat - but something 'else.' (Yea, right!!)
The part I was playing in "my drama" was that I was fat - not b/c of my eating. - it was something 'mysterious' AND NOT MY FAULT!!

__________________________________________________ ___________

Anyway....enough about me.....

I'm soooo proud of you....YOU DESERVE to be happy....you always have. Nothing is different now, than it was on April 18th.....OR.....January 2007.....Or YEARS BEFORE!!!! It's not cocky...or ego....it's what you deserve as a human being!

Love you Kenya!! YOu are doing AMAZING!!! I'm loving watching your transformations!!

[Kenyar]

Originally Posted by DocSanae

As your size changes, yes, your perspective of life will change.
You probably had your size alway sway your decision in one way or another.
Did you find that you needed to *prove* yourself because of your size before, but now, you don't have to, you are accepted just as is?

Basically, as you regain your self esteem, you will learn to see to your needs first, then help with the needs of others. This is how it should be. Unless you love yourself, unless you can respect who you are, then it won't be easy to love others in the way they should be loved, nor to respect others in the way they should be.
The only person that requires care from you before yourself, are your children, as they are helpless in the world. As they grow older, and more independent, less dependent on you, even with them, certain boundaries will grow, though your child is always your child, so that boundary will be somewhat lower compared to the rest of the world.

Consider your emotional process a relearning, re-growing up so to speak. It's not easy to face head on, issues that you may necessarily have dodged till now, but you've been given a second chance to learn this.
Do not be afraid, go ahead and test your boundaries, it is better to hit walls and learn how to overcome them, than to avoid walls and be fenced in for the rest of your life.

I hope you've found someone who'll help you through this stage of the journey, I know you have been looking around.

((((((((HUGS))))))))

DOC, everything that you have touched on in here is SO true. I never thought about any of this until i started noticing things change recently. I honestly thought i would just be thinner and life would go on but its SOOOO complicated. You never realize the areas of your life the weight affected until its off (or starts coming off)

I am still hitting a few road blocks with the DARN insurance and finding a therapist but I will not give up. EVEN IF I HAVE TO PAY FOR THIS OUT OF POCKET. because I am worth it.

As always thank you for your kind words and input

[Kenyar]

Deborah, Bree, and Chilly: thank you for your kind words and support. Everything that you have all said is true. deborah you hit the nail on the head with almost EVERYTHING you said. you described me to a T. I am a control freak by nature so everything that i did in my old life (thats what i call it lol!) was to continue having the control. i think whats a little freaky right now is that i dont HAVE to do that anymore, i have to re-learn how to interact with people. i now see all the people that took advantage for what they are, and i dont need them in my life, therefore no need to try to control situations involving them. its complicated but i see it all so clearly now. I just want better for myself. relationships, work, my home...i deserve better!

this is another one of those inbetween things that lots of people just dont mention. Maybe i should right a book. There's got to be some money in this

LOL! im kidding. but i cant wait to look back on how far from this i will be in a year or two or three. truly an adventure in life.

[akosak]

Kenyer,

Its funny, just making the desision to have the surgery and starting at Curves exc.... Has given me some of the uplifting feeling you are talking about. it is kind of like the empowering feeling I felt when I got out of my really bad marriage. You feel like you can do anything and that your possabilities are endless. And that you deserve to do whatever you want. Right now that has gone through my head alot. With my daughter going away to school in a few weeks and my surgery date possibly in the next month or so I really feel this creeping in. My outlook on life is a wide open door. I'm ready to tackle anything and everything out there. Very empowering to take over your life from the evil weight.

[Kenyar]

yes! thats the word i was looking for. empowering. and yes a weight has been lifted off my shoulders both literally and figuritively. its amazing...