[Kenyar]

As you all know, my struggle is with the emotional "stuff" that existed prior to and goes a long with my weight loss journey. The following is just a snippet of the noise that goes on in my head on a daily basis. ( no i am not schitsofrenic sp? LOL)

when i look at my befores and afters i wonder often times what the hell am doing?? what gives me the right to have sugery as opposed to just doing what needs to be done? though i am happy as a pig in sh*t about being healthier than i have EVER been in life (including my childhood) and tickled to death that i can shop for tops in the kiddie section, is this something i should be striving for?? when is enough enough? will i ever be comfortable with my size or will i always fight for "10 more lbs"? or one more size? i know that this was not meant to make me *happy* so to speak. but what is that really??
Picture 280.jpgHPIM1020.jpg

true indeed weight is just a number. never did i ever think someone of my build could be the size that i am at 169 lbs BUT, i still want to be smaller. it's not good enough. is that safe? am i crossing some line here??

I know i had issues prior to surgery. be it mental or whatever you want to call it. and for some strange reason i thought that this would be my vehicle to sort things out. one less thing to worry about. well a few less (my health, and everything that comes along with being big in general ) but i never imagined how complicated things would become due to weghtloss finding me, finding someone else (LOL) figuring out what i want out of life....i could go on for days in this post. i guess you can tell i am in an awkward place right about now.

[LittleLisaMarie]

You are not alone...if you look up alot of my posts you will see similar things that i have written in the past and recently....
I seem to always be looking for more, never satisfied with my life where it is no matter what i seem to acomplish. I think this is normal for alot of us who are on this journey. THere are up days for me and down days for me. I know that i try to be very positive esp when i post here but i do have some really dark hard days also. I tend to withdraw during those times and save it for my therapy sessions lol....
Hang in there. Talking always helps and knowing you are not alone with your feelings.

Hugs

LittelLisaMarie

[clancythecamper]

Kenya - I think this is largely what will make our journey a successful one. I have done a lot of soul searching in the last 10 years and have come a LONG way - but I havent arrived yet! My current thing is job wise - what do I want to be when I grow up LOLOLOL! Right now Im thinkin' I want to be retired! Talking (or writing) your way thru it is very healthy - sometimes our answers are inside just waiting to be put into words.

[Rachael]

I don't know you or your story, but I'm wondering about "what gives me the right to have sugery as opposed to just doing what needs to be done?"

Sometimes surgery IS what needs to be done.

I mean, I know I'm preaching to the choir here, but if it were only a matter of diet and exercise alone, not a one of us would be here, because surgery is NOT an easy out and you still have to do "what needs to be done."

You did what needs to be done and I guess what gives you the right to do it is that you could afford to do it and knew you needed to.

Yours was one of the first pictures I saw and I was amazed. You are so beautiful!

I don't know that any of these life truths have to be resolved immediately. By doing what you need to do, you have extended your journey to figure out what you want in life. And you have so many more choices too!

[MsVickie]

I am SURE you will know when to stop. That is what we are here for. You know when it will be to much so dont worry about that.

When your weight has resolved it self......you will turn to somthing else. Like your upcoming move. Settling in. Meeting new people. Life moves honey. It wont sit still. And I really dont see you sitting still with it. You have shared with us some dreams of yours. You can turn your focus to that. Getting ready for them persuing them. It will come. One day at a time just like it does now. I have faith.

[DianeB]

Aw big hugs to you Kenya!! Sometimes I swear you read my mind, you are so good at getting your thoughts out. I think all of us have alot of the same fears as you, do any of us know when and how much is enough? Most of us had trouble with these issues before our surgery--it will take a time to figure out our new bodies. You are doing fantastic, you truly have accomplished so much--and here you are doing this all on your own--you have so much to be proud of sweetie. Hang in there, just enjoy you !!

[lazell]

Kenya,i think you sound just like me except you're further along weight wise.the holidays always get me down .you responded to my post yesterday. i'm going to spend christmas at the rescue mission in town.i think sometimes when we feel like this it's best to look at those that are so much worse than we are.it doesn't always work but sometimes it takes the edge off. i wish the was a magic place we could go to and see the future.you look fab.you are an inspiration to a lot of folks right now,i bet you never saw that coming?! i hope that black cloud goes away soon for both of us.it is so damn hard sometimes....

[DocSanae]

(((((HUGS)))))
You are quite normal with all the doubts and thoughts.

Not to disappoint you all, but being close to 60, I think there are some things about life that I can honestly say, and one of these things is, your search for self will go on throughout your life. This is true for everyone, no matter what weight, no matter what the individual history is. That's because things are ever moving, never stagnant, just like a river. No end, just rest stops. Yourself, the people around you, the world.
I think it's when you become willing to accept the fluidity is when you can be at peace, and can be at some stage of *happy*. This also goes for everyone, whatever the weight, whatever the issues, whatever the individual history.

I don't know if any of you are interested in world history, but when I was a child and a young adult, the world was still caught in the throes of the "Cold War", communism vs capitalism. Who woulda thought the Berlin Wall would come down so quickly, the Soviet Union would dissolve so quickly.
Little things are the same.

Being honest with yourself, and do your best at all times if you can (sometimes, you do get too tired to put your best foot forward, in that case, just take things one day at a time) and you'll find your footing.

((((((HUGS)))))

[Kenyar]

thanks for the support everybody
gosh everyday i thank god i stumbled upon this message board...

[Rachael]

So am I (glad you stumbled upon it). Like I said, regardless of how you feel about me, yours was the first picture I saw when I came here and it was such an inspiration!