[Rachael]

A post from TrulyKath really got to me, and I didn't want to infringe on someone else's post. I just have to get all this out.

Her post started out with "YOU HAVE NO IDEA GUYS..."

When I met my boyfriend, I wasn't exactly thin. In fact, I was beyond pleasingly plump, but he never said anything. But I was not happy with how I looked - yes, then it was about looks. I went to NutraSystems and lost about 45 pounds. I still wasn't exactly thin, but I looked a whole lot better at 130 than I had around 175. He was so happy. He said it was like being with another woman, but yet it was still me.

But I gained it back. Plus. And I hated it. But he never said a word.

Then one night, when I was PMSing, he called and wanted to come over. I told him no. He asked if everything was okay and I said yes, it was fine. But then I called back and left a message on his answering machine saying nothing was fine. I hated how fat I was and that I didn't want him to touch me because he wasn't touching me, he was touching my fat.

I didn't hear from him again.

It was 2 weeks before I found out he left me. He never said good-bye, never gave a reason.

For 2 years I cried and missed him every moment of my life. We bumped into each other on the phone a couple times. He finally told me it was about my weight - and when I told him I didn't want him to touch me, he figured what was the point then of being with me?

I asked him why he hadn't told me before, and he said I had to know I was fat so what was the point of saying anything. He was afraid if he did it would cause a big fight. When I told him "I didn't want him to touch me," he didn't know what to do so he left.

I was mad, I was hurt. I told him how shallow he was. I mean, after all, wasn't I still the same person, just heavier? But when I thought about it honestly, no. I wasn't. I was very different. I didn't want to do the things I had done before. I didn't want to be seen at my son's activities. And - even if it was just for that night when I was PMSing, I didn't want him, the love of my life, to touch me.

It was during this time I said I wanted surgery, but he cried and begged me not to. He told me he woke up one morning and realized he was in love with a fat lady. That really hurt. I mean, if he felt bad realizing he was in love with a fat lady, how did he think I felt BEING the fat lady?

After 2 years, we finally got back together and realized there had been a huge communication problem. He only heard that I didn't want him to touch me, not hearing the part that I was upset about my weight, I only heard that he thought of me as a fat lady, not the part that he loved me.

He admitted that he missed me every day for those 2 years as badly as I had him.

I then did a 1-year hypnosis weight loss program and lost 145 pounds. Oh, he was the happiest man in the world.

But I gained it back and here I am today.

Confused.

When I am on the treadmill, headphones on, arm motions going, dancing and loving it, I wonder why the heck I am even considering surgery. Surely I can do this on my own.

But I haven't. Besides, this is no longer about looks. This is 10 years later and I have serious comorbidities and I can't afford to lose a lot of weight only to gain it back. I know this is no guarantee, but it is one more tool to work with (as well as the 2-year case-managed followup my insurance requires) that will give me what I didn't have before. Besides, after his heart attack last year, as much as the thought of surgery terrifies me, I'd rather do it than go through what he did with that!

I told him when we were coming home from the gym that I am so glad we joined and that I'm really glad that we have been going for 10 months and are not the kind of people who join but don't go. He said we have to, it is part of our lifestyle now.

With that behind me, I know with the help of RNY, I can succeed.

I just get so confused at this time of the year. I hate November. My father died on Thanksgiving Day 9 years ago, and because of some other family stuff, I have never quite gotten over it, besides the fact that I was daddy's little girl. I might be "all grown up," but I sure miss him.

So usually for TGD, we go to my boyfriend's parent's house, except this year, his father is dying of cancer - and it is kind of like just waiting at this point, and TGD is so close and...I don't know that I could stand to have that happen with his father too - and my son...

Sorry this is so scattered and probably makes no sense, but I had to get it out.

I really get messed up around this time of year.

[DocSanae]

(((((((HUGS))))))))
It's good to get all the stuff out. I'm sure there is one thing or another in your post that rings a bell for someone.
Getting them out of you is the first step forward. It really takes time to reconcile with things that are most important in your life.

[nygal]

Rachael, you break my heart!

We were all confused before our WLS. But there just comes that point when enough is enough!

Even though YES we have all lost LOTS of weight throughout our life, we are FAILURES when it comes to KEEPING IT OFF.

Losing the weight is easy (considering), but the real challenge that we all failed at is keeping it off.


So, if you lose the weight are you successful?

ONLY if you can keep it off.

Some say a year or more-- but even if we are LUCKY to keep it off a year or more, it IS just a matter of time before it ALL and MORE comes back.

*it is VERY RARE that a person can win the war on their own.

There is no guilt in using WLS as a tool.
YOU still have to fight the fight even after WLS. But it is a heck of a lot easier to control your self then before, and you WILL LEARN NEW EATTING HABITS (unlike all the other diets) and this helps us win the war!!

The Hell with anyone that thinks it is an easy way out or thinks that you are a fool for wanting/doing it.

Moslty ppl will tell you NO becasue THEY are AFRAID and insecure---

They are resent the changes you will make in your life and worry that it just might not include them... THEY will really have to "step up to the plate".

You WILL change and you will not take crap like you might have before. This is a scary time for your friends/family etc.

ith WLS you WILL SUCCEED!

So honey- you do what you gotta do for you.
I had my surgery and i have ZERO regrets...

I have also come to the conclusion, that while it might suck-- if i were to lose a friend, any family-- even my hubby over this-- so be it.

I HAD to do this for myself. They can come along for the ride, or get off!

If i can't enjoy life with the ppl around me, then i will find NEW ppl to enjoy it with... and well hey--- I at least have myself back again.

[Chilly]

Rachael honey, I'm not sure if you feel you have to explain yourself or not, but you do NOT! We all came to that place in life where you just have to take the plunge, so to speak. If we sit back and think to that point, we have all felt what you're feeling and I just want you to know that we all are behind you 100% of the way. There may have been a couple of miscommunication gaps, which is easy to do with "words" and no tone, but you are one of us, we're here to listen. Believe me...there will be someone new on here, asking all the right questions and expressing all the things you're going thru. (With my little group it's Kenya :-)) We're over 6 months out, kinda started together, and she's been our rock. She always has a way to put it into words, what we're all thinking. Anyway, I'm beginning to ramble :-) I just want you to feel welcome here. Because we are a good bunch of people. You have, in no way, rushed into this beginning. But this is your "last hope" in finally gaining the right tool to get it, and keep it!!!! You go girl!!!

[Tee Jay]

When I first told my husband I was having WLS he went on a huge crack binge...We talked about the fact that I thought I had a heart attack. He told me he loved me large no matter what. Here we are 10 months later, more in love and 70 pounds lighter. What I am saying is I thought I would loose him but I decided I needed this tool to live. He was insecure and has now admitted he was terrified everyone else would realize what he already knew...that I was beautiful. He now realizes I will be by his side no matter what. You do what is best for you and your love of your life will be happy for you and even appreciate that you want to live to be with him for a long time. WLS has to be for you and no one else. I have found that most people who have had WLS have been givers their whole life and this is the first time they do something for themselves. So honey it is okay to take care of YOU!!! No matter what tool you decide to use.

[Trulykath]

Then you do have some idea Rachael! The thing that got me....I was married to the ex for over 14 years...my wedding dress was a size 20...& in the end, he used the weight to escape what he was too afraid to say...that he didn't love me anymore, so he pushed me down in the mud to raise himself up and not feel so bad.

I truly believe the man I'm married to now loves me with all his heart...he's just concerned about my health....I'm sure your SO is the same way!

[Chilly]

Originally Posted by Trulykath

Then you do have some idea Rachael! The thing that got me....I was married to the ex for over 14 years...my wedding dress was a size 20...& in the end, he used the weight to escape what he was too afraid to say...that he didn't love me anymore, so he pushed me down in the mud to raise himself up and not feel so bad.

I truly believe the man I'm married to now loves me with all his heart...he's just concerned about my health....I'm sure your SO is the same way!

That's right.....when they're insecure themselves they will push you all the way down. Makes them feel better I guess. I feel you guys, cuz my husband was that same exact way. And going on a diet was pretty unthinkable. I mean, I did, but he would nit pick at everything. Cuz he didn't want me to look good. HA HA I would LOVE for him to see me now!!! But then again, no not yet, when I'm DONE I want him to see me!!! lol

[Rachael]

Yes, I do have some idea. And I know that his concern is for my health, both concern of health issues being overweight, as well as regarding risks of surgery. I mean, obviously he very MUCH prefers how I look thin, but really, he isn't one who cares much about looks (if you ask him who he finds the "hottest" female celebrity, he comes up with Christiane Amanpour - come on!! - not that there is anything wrong with how she looks AT ALL- but, well, you know).

And like you also said, S-E-X wise there is virtually nothing and has not been for almost 3 years, but I know some of that is him too - but I don't know how much. He isn't complaining and seems happy, and I would be fine too if I knew it isn't me - but again, it is so hard to talk about. My weight is totally taboo as far as he is concerned, and I know he has "circulatory" problems, so I'm not comfortable talking about his "manhood."

We seem to have substituted working out daily for it - which seems to be working - I guess.

But right now, I have to call him and find out if his dad made it through the night. His mom called and it doesn't sound like it will be much longer.

[Chilly]

Many prayers going up for him. I'm so sorry he's going thru this. Gosh, I'm just at a loss for words.

[Rachael]

Thanks, Chilly. It is really his mom I'm concerned about. But we have all known for a long time this was coming. He is 92 and has been sick for quite some time. I'm also concerned for my son. I don't know WHAT he is going to think TGD is all about, first with his grandfather dying on Thanksgiving, now with his other "grandfather" dying on Thanksgiving.

It just makes holidays so difficult.