[usednconfused]

Hello. I'm new to blogging in general and it has taken me half an hour to get this far so please bear with me. I need information on the psychological effects of former obesity and of gastric bypass surgery. In a nutshell, the background is this: I recently met and fell head-over-heels for a woman who underwent gastric bypass eight years ago. She has maintained her weight but has recently developed other health problems that although frightening are likely (and hopefully) not life threatening. (There are some other tangential issues involved as well but none that are relevant or appropriate here.)

Her successful weight loss notwithstanding, she still has what she calls an "obese" mentality. I don't even know what that means! I'm not stupid and I'm not blind. And I'm not a "chubby chaser." She's not Barbie. (But neither am I and if I wanted to sit around playing with a perfect, plastic woman, I'd head to Toys-R-Us!) Yes, she's got some loose skin. Yes, she's got a few scars. But she's also got a million dollar smile, huge brown eyes and a brain! Yes, I have been with tighter, firmer women--and incredibly dumber, too!

Bottom line--the woman isn't fat anymore. (Although I sometimes wonder if she hasn't got a few screws loose.) Still, her body then and as it is now seems to define her life and by extension, mine.

So, beyond venting, my questions is this: when does it end?! When does obesity end and life begin? What's the point of making somebody thinner if you can't make them whole? I can't seem to find any literature on this but I can't be the only one in this fix. Any hints, tips, insights or bugger-offs anyone can offer will be appreciated.

[DocSanae]

Welcome to the board, thank you for joining us.

To get right down to business.
This is a life long journey in many ways, because, when the excess weight is gone, most people find that they have to deal with the whys and hows of where they got to where surgery was required. Also, many have had almost a life long history of dealing with weight issues, so have not much of an idea what life is like without.
Likely, when you hear her out, you may have felt that, "Well, these are issues that people have in general, whether big, average, or small, you don't have it because you are too heavy."
Some people are good at resolving their issues by themselves as they go along, others are not, and may require professional help in sorting out their feelings and thoughts and building an effective coping mechanism.
Even then, no matter how well they are doing, the ugly head of where they were in the past, and the fear of going back there will rear itself up, and scare the daylights out of the person.

Also, the brain often clings to the old body image, and will not let the person see him/herself as they really are in the mirror. On this issue, think this way. How do YOU see yourself in the mirror. Old? Young? When you look at recent snap shots of yourself and compare, do you see yourself in the mirror as you REALLY are? Or someone a tad younger? Most times, I think when you see your snap shots, you'll think, "Ouch, I'm not really that old, am I?" And you look back at the mirror and see a few years younger you. Our brains play these kind of tricks on us from time to time.

As for comprehensive studies and literature on this, I honestly don't think there's any yet. Maybe, someone or some group are working on gathering together long term pychological effects, but if so, they don't have anything out on this yet.
This can't be helped, as the surgery itself, although has a history of around 30 years now, didn't become popluar until much later, and only several years back, the number of the surgery was less than 1/10 of what it is now yearly. There's barely enough long timers to base these kinds of studies on. The focus up to now has been on the physical effects of the surgery and how much of the physical issues have been solved. The psychological issues have only started to get the attention of researchers, and there's a lot of work to be done in this area.

I hope you can be patient with your lady and help her regain her true confidence and overcome her insecurity over who she was, and feel secure in her new self.

Good luck, (((((((HUGS)))))) May hers and your journey go well.

[Kenyar]

omg. i struggle with this daily. im glad this was posted. thank you for joining and welcome. i wish i had insight but, im only 6 months out and dont have a clue what the future will be like mentally speaking. i just know that i struggle with this BIG TIME now. i think doc said it perfectly though. its a waiting game i think. best of luck to you and your love.

[beckamarie]

I have no answers as I am only 3 months out but I did want to welcome you and offer support as best as I can

[FemmeMode]

We were just contemplating this on another Thread....
Kenya, who is just 6mos post op posted the below quote....
My surgery was a year and a half ago....and I don't have all of the same thoughts...but I do think you are right...there is an "Obese mentality".....

As DocSanae said above - it's a life long journey.... BELOW is my post to Kenya's thread...but I think it will give you a bit of insight into my head....

Honestly...if your girlfriend wasn't looking deeper I'd be concerned.... I'm sooo glad you popped on our board - good luck in your quest, your relationship....and "by extension" your JOURNEY! thanks for posting....
__________________________________________________ _________________

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kenyar
when?
when will i see me the way you see me?
when is enough enough?
when will i get the fact that a size 8 does not equal a size 22/24?
when will i hold myself in high reguard and begin to know and feel that YES, i am worthy?
when will i get that i cannot eat like i used to? (lol i still try sometimes )

when does it change from "this" to just living?
when?

im not sad, or depressed or anything. i just stare off into the distance and wonder sometimes. what will life be like 5, 10, or even 20 years from now. anybody else ever think about that in terms of post op life?

This time around is more difficult 'mentally' than the last time..... (ie.- from 1996-1998 I lost 120#'s doing Weight Watchers & Jazzercise.)

When I lost the weight (the first time)....I felt fantastic at 180#'s....and didn't feel "FAT"...or have strange thoughts, quandaries, concerns - I was confident that I'd NEVER go back to weigh 298#'s. I really enjoyed my body, in and out of clothing!
It wasn't long after I hit the 180's that I felt comfortable with myself...at which time - I became lackdaisical with my eating...and stopped going to workout on a regular basis. Shortly (within 8mos.) I re-gained 15#'s...and then the next 18mos. I gained another 30#'s. After that...I was married....and it all crept back w/ and additional 35#'s. whew!!
_____________________________________

This time around has different 'mental challenges'....I'm not even sure of why...and STILL trying to figure out "WHY??"
Possibly b/c I'm older...less elasticity in my skin - so I'm not pleased with my body with no clothes on. (More pleased WITH. ) Also, I've had my 'bubble burst!' - thinking I'd never gain it back - but this time knowing that if I'm not careful...I WILL GAIN IT BACK + MORE!

All of that may be why I think it's been an imperative part of my journey - to be authentic with my 'inner-self'. If I didn't work on the inside...and what were some 'key' thoughts for and about my journey...I wonder if I'd be more obsessed with my body...my workouts...Like I was before?? I don't know honestly.

WHAT I DO KNOW:

• Both journeys were a challenge... (in their own right.)
• Both took some MAJOR self control and achievement.
• Both allowed me to lose over 100#'s...
• Last time I was obsessed with 'diet', 'fat-free', eating, and staying away from 'bad food!'
• Last time I was obsessed with 'exercise'....and when I had burn-out it was difficult to get RE-Motivated, and rejoin a work out program.
• Last time I didn't go deep enough on the 'inner work' - identifying different triggers and causes for being obese in the first place.
• This time I started off my journey slowly...
• This time I started off my journey with an open mind...& willingness to go to the tough alcoves of my 'inner caverns'
• This time I eat ALL things in moderation. Not swearing off any food...or labeling any food taboo (unless of course it causes me a major REFUND - yuck!)
• This time I exercise moderately...regularly. (forced b/c of living in NYC - and not having a car...although I'm about to join a gym in hopes that I'll begin losing the last 24#'s)

______________________________________

So....
when you say,

Quote:
"when?
when will i see me the way you see me?
when is enough enough?
when will i get the fact that a size 8 does not equal a size 22/24?
when will i hold myself in high reguard and begin to know and feel that YES, i am worthy?
when will i get that i cannot eat like i used to?"

I personally often wonder "WHY?"
WHY is this time different?
WHY will I defy the odds?
WHY will I reach goal?
WHY do I feel confident whether I'm 300+#'s or 170's??

Whether it's "WHEN" or "WHY"....I think it's important to wonder...contemplate...whatever it takes for you to be authentic with yourself & others.

I may not think of all the exact same questions...but I do know that my thinking isn't the same as someone who hasn't struggled with food...struggled with weight....struggled with exercise...or struggled with thoughts & feelings!

[BreeChick]

I feel for you and for her. I've found as I've been out for 5 yrs now and been a 'normal' size and even thinner for 3 of those years that men are far more accepting of things bodywise than we WOMEN are. We are much more critical of ourselves AND others bodies.

Getting fat in the first place wasn't an overnight journey it was a long one with a lot of plateaus just like losing is. I've met fat people who truly have a 'body dysmorphia' and see themselves as a LOT smaller in their mind than they are on the outside and vice versa.

Sometimes I seriously wonder if we ever 'heal' deep inside our mind and just

--ACCEPT OURSELVES--

as we are. I know this is the hardest thing ever. I look at all kinds of magazine trying to 'get it'. I find out about sizes of people in my life to get some perspective and I still don't quite 'get it' about the FACT that I'm smaller!

Plus lately with the coolness and my own body staying cold I wear so many layers people often talk to me about diets etc and guess my SIZE about 2-3 SIZES bigger!

point in fact the victoria secret gal that kept bringing me bras sizes in 38's when my around size is a 34..geez my waist is a 29 right now. I'm made very curvey so I struggle with seeing that just because my hips are not straight down and boyish that I'm NOT fat!

I don't think we have any firm answer on where it ends. Where do we just get over it and move on? Shoot, I'm in a class all semester on grieving and we cover this issue too not just people dying but ALL kinds of grieving..

Here's the 'fact' from that class:
"We never get 'over it' (whatever the 'it' is) and just 'move on', at some point we wake up and begin to see that life is STILL worth living. We finally find that having joy in our lives is something to yet again pursue"...(from a lecture)

[FemmeMode]

Here's the 'fact' from that class:
"We never get 'over it' (whatever the 'it' is) and just 'move on', at some point we wake up and begin to see that life is STILL worth living. We finally find that having joy in our lives is something to yet again pursue"...(from a lecture)

I always LOVE hearing from YOU, Bree!
You are so far out ahead of me...and I deeply respect you!
Not to mention...love reading what you have to say!
Thanks!

[mlg78]

I haven't had surgery yet so I can't really comment on what you're needing answered but I feel I must comment on the simple fact that you decided to post this. I'm blown away that a man has taken the effort to look into the effects of gastric bypass because you truly seem like you want this relationship to succeed and you're concerned for her well-being. Many guys would've just said "screw this" and given up and walked away. I hope you continue to make the effort and support her as you can. I only hope I find a guy with as caring of a heart after I have the surgery. Good luck to you both.

[not quite Barbie]

Hi. "Obese Mentality" to me means that I MUST forever remember that I am a fat person. Like an alcoholic must always remember they can't drink, we must remember we can't eat. We have an addiction to food, and if we give in to it, we can and will be obese again.

I don't think I will ever be able to relax my guard and eat normal. I have twice lost all my excess weight with the Atkins diet and exercise, only to gain it all back and more. The worst part is that I didn't even realize how much I was gaining back. How can that be, when I had to keep buying larger sizes? But somehow I blocked that out and didn't believe I was getting fat again. TWICE! Go figure.

I vow to never let my guard down again, to never forget that I'm a fat person - no matter how good I look on the outside. Maybe this is what she means when she says she has an Obese Mentality. You should ask her to explain what she means.

[Lch]

This was a wonderful thread to read! it is nice to hear that you are trying to understand what she is trying to deal with, instead of just giving up... and if it wasnt' this issue it may have been something else. I know for me, i will always refer to me as the fat girl. i know i am not as i was before, but i don't ever want to lose the perception of what it was like when i was heavy with all the health issues, etc. the surgery may have helped me lose weight, but it sure didn't cure me mentally, i am sure it is something i will work on everyday, and i hope i can meet someone who is understanding of my faults. even if that happens to be trying to accept who i am, and enjoying what i look like, self esteem is not easy to re-gain, at least for me, but i do hope that someday it happens.
Good Luck and i hope you find the answers you are looking for.