faith- I can't find it..

redjersey · 10-11-2008, 04:46 PM

I ate all day today. I cried and ate. It was so glorious outside today. I stayed in and gorged. I don't know how to make peace with myself. I don't know how to stop this cycle of insane behavior. I let no one in. I am completely a shadow of myself. I can't find God. I don't even know how to let God find me. Surgery will happen eventually, I suspect, months from now since I am quite new in the process, yet I continue on this rampage of food addiction. But will it help my head- will it restore some faith- will I find me? I don't even know who I am anymore. Hiding behind this protective shell-

Thank you for reading this.

Kenyar · 10-11-2008, 04:59 PM

patience. you will find what you're looking for; or rather, it will find you. you are not equipped to deal with the addiction alone. so dont beat yourself up for the inability. just take one day at a time.

you will have to do some soul searching. otherwise surgery or not, you will continue to sit and cry and eat. while the surgey will restrict the amount of foods, you can still regain if you dont keep your foods and choices in control. we dont want you to sabbotage yourself.

so work on you in the time you have left before surgery. do you have a journal? write. write about anything and everything. if you have medical insurance, see if it will cover a few trips to a shrink. im not saying you are crazy. talk therapy is EXTREMELY HELPFUL at this stage of the game. you will be amazed at how much you will learn about yourself in the process.

please dont be discouraged. hang in there.

Queenofthenile · 10-11-2008, 05:00 PM

Surgery is not going to change your brain. It is only a tool that will help you control your eating behaviors but there is also a mental component that you have to deal with. Maybe you should speak to a professional to help you with the mental part.....we are always here to listen and give advice. Right now I am supposed to be on a liquid diet but today I gave in and ate.....I am not upset with myself I just have to be on track again tomorrow. My surgery is on Oct.22 so it is really important for me to stick to this liquid diet. May God help me. God always listens so don't lose faith. He may not seem to answer when we want him too but He does answer. Be strong and keep your faith....((HUGS))

judijo · 10-11-2008, 05:11 PM

::Big inhale through closed teeth::

At this point, RJ, you know what I would do? Find an OA meeting in your area NOW. (link)There are a lot of them in the world, including New Jersey. There you will meet a butt load of people who can at least show you that you are definately not alone. I have chatted with OA'ers from around the globe, and they know WLS patients who continue to attend meetings, even after surgery. Kenya and QOTN are correct...the WLS is only a tool to help with the physical aspects of weight loss, but we ALL deal with the emotional aspects of our disease on a daily basis. They may have moved away our stomachs, but they did not touch our brains.

Prayers for you, sister (brother?)

thumper1 · 10-11-2008, 05:13 PM

Sorry!!!!! I guess I can say been there too. Surg. is only a tool.....I know you know that so the process is a whole and you will benefit from the pshych. eval,the NUT eval as well as all the other parts of this journey. Hang in there and dont be TOO hard on yourself. We are here for you too. Kathy

redjersey · 10-11-2008, 05:37 PM

you are such a sweetheart, thank you... You look wonderful.. I am not dealing with this well, insurance issues, finding a primary doctor making the decision to do this without feeling like I've failed myself. I do see therapists and they feel that if I getthis weight off it will be the catalyst to what makes me so depressed. I hope they're right.. I have to do a 6 month dietary program before insurance will even look in my direction. In that time I need to get the rest of the red tape done. Im scared. And I miss God. Thank you for extending your hand..
Hugs~

redjersey · 10-11-2008, 05:42 PM

(and yes it is sister..

I don't know what to do with my brain anymore. I have gone the OA route too.. I feel I have exhaulted ALL outlets and I am just not letting myself stop this binge eating. I have seen therapists, am on meds, and yet the eating is what I run to. I feel lost- I dont know what or who to turn to anymore.

Quote:

Originally Posted by judijo

::Big inhale through closed teeth::

At this point, RJ, you know what I would do? Find an OA meeting in your area NOW. (link)There are a lot of them in the world, including New Jersey. There you will meet a butt load of people who can at least show you that you are definately not alone. I have chatted with OA'ers from around the globe, and they know WLS patients who continue to attend meetings, even after surgery. Kenya and QOTN are correct...the WLS is only a tool to help with the physical aspects of weight loss, but we ALL deal with the emotional aspects of our disease on a daily basis. They may have moved away our stomachs, but they did not touch our brains.

Prayers for you, sister (brother?)

redjersey · 10-11-2008, 05:45 PM

Thank you Kathy.. I apologize for the bitter pill I am bringing to the table. I want to do the right thing- I just don't know what that is anymore.

Quote:

Originally Posted by thumper1

Sorry!!!!! I guess I can say been there too. Surg. is only a tool.....I know you know that so the process is a whole and you will benefit from the pshych. eval,the NUT eval as well as all the other parts of this journey. Hang in there and dont be TOO hard on yourself. We are here for you too. Kathy

DocSanae · 10-11-2008, 07:41 PM

(((((HUGS)))))
You say you let no one in. Yet, it is important to know that you need to let someone in--be it God, or a physical being-- to come out of your corner. Could it be that therapy, medication, OA, and other things you have tried hasn't given you any peace because you let no one in? Are you really stripping your soul in their presence? Or, are you telling them what you think they want to hear? Have you been able to release yourself completely in the presence of those who are trained to help you, be they medical, peers, or spiritual? I know these are tough questions, and just considering them may be hurtful to you, but you must be completely honest to yourself to be able to come to peace with yourself. Weight loss, whether through surgery or conventional methods, will help you regain some of your self esteem, but since weight loss in itself, not just surgery, is only a tool, in the end, it's going to be you versus you. We all fight this deal--me against myself, whether we are heavyweights, normal, or lightweights.

And, don't worry about the "bitter pill", because it isn't, just about everyone who's decided to go through with surgery, and are going through/have gone through the tough changes post op, have all gone through what you are going through right now. Unless you go through this now, you will not be able to endure some of the changes/issues that arise post op. You are being prepared for the journey of your life. So, just be honest with yourself, and I am sure things will start to fall in place, some things will come to be by its own accord, others, you will have to work for, but, they will all fall into the place they belong, and complete the jigsaw puzzle that is beleaguering you now.

GinaGurl · 10-11-2008, 08:30 PM

i agree with the forum god will helpyou and you need to have faith i am sure you will be alright


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