[hopelessdawn]

Hi Everyone, I haven't been on this site in a while. I'm so scared and depressed and I just don't know what to do anymore with my life. I guess I'm just reaching out for some support from people who might understand.....

This is a little about me.... I had surgery 2 yrs ago lost around 200 lbs, am happy about weight loss at times, but most of the time really don't care.
I sufferered from depression on and off throughout my life but now I feel it's worse than ever. I have always had headaches all my life and a little bit of back pain. My pain got a million times worse about a year ago after I had a hernia repair and week later a bowel obstuction (emergency surgery)

I eat way too much and just realized I can eat an entire bagel with flavored cream cheese and not get sick. I think I'm going to gain my weight back and I guess I'm terrified of that. I just can't stop eating because I'm so depressed and I guess its my way of feeling a little better.

I am in so much daily pain that sometimes I just can't cope, I had to quit my job which of course makes me feel horrible because my husband is now working two jobs and I'm home all the time doing nothing and most days it's hard for me to even get out of bed to clean or make doctors appointments or just do anything. I feel like I'm so lost and sometimes almost regret what I did to my body.

I got divorced after WLS (I believe because I felt better about myself and couldn't be with a man who didn't treat me well) Which in a was a good thing but I really hurt my 3 children by leaving there dad. They see him as someone who can make no mistakes and blame everything on i have custody of them, but they are living with their dad now as this is they want. They are 10, 13 and 14 boys. I feel guilty everyday and miss them.

As far as my pain I'm on Fentaynl pain patches which help a lot to pretty much take the edge off. The doctor thinks my pain is from my muscles / tendons // tissues being stretched and not getting back to "normal" I guess... Laxity? I'm really not sure I understand all this..... They want to do prolotherapy treatment but doctor thinks my body is not strong enough yet and I should just get the nerve blocking injections for a while first.... this has been going on for about 6 mths now. I also take percocet and or vicoden for break through pain. I have severe headaches worse than before I think caused by the patches. I also take an anti-depressant which I thought was helping and now I just feel horrible sad and cry all the time.
I literally sleep all day long when I can...... I have pretty much distanced myself from all my friends and family and hardly talk to anyone. My husband is very surpportive but he just doesn't understand how horrible I feel. (He is one of those people who sort of blame himself for me not being happy) and that depression is something I should be able to snap out of).

I almost died during my last surgery and now I have surgery scheduled for this coming Thursday the 6th. I am having the hernia repaired again and exp. surgery to see if they can fix the intestions.... (intesscuption) I'm scared and am not sure if they will even be able to fix it. I'm also very upset as my surgeon thinks I should have my skin removed on my stomach so I have less of a chance of hernia coming back. I also still feel very fat and think having the skin removed would help me feel better about myself. (I would have to pay for surgery out of pocket for skin removal 3,000 which of course I can't afford) so this whole surgery is just something I'm really not wanting to do. I'm afraid the hernia is going to come back and it seems like such a waste to even do.

I feel so hopeless, like i have nothing to look forward too, life just is not enjoyable to me at all. There are only two things that I love about life and that is my children, my husband and my pets.

I'm very sorry for rambling on and on I guess I'm just hoping someone understands what I'm going through and can offer me some support and / or advice. I just don't know what to do anymore.

[DeMarie]

I have no medical knowledge and therefore would not take a chance at stearing you wrong by adding my 2 cents. I am sorry that you are in pain and have to have surgery again. And I wish you weren't so unhappy, it makes everything worse, I'm sure. I will tell you this, and I hope you don't mind...I'll pray for you. Take care of yourself, tell your husband you love him for being patient, and next time you see your kids, give them the biggest squeeze.

[DeMarie]

But on a lighter note...you did fabulous on your weight loss! I think every one who has WLS fears there may come a time they gain it back. I think it's very normal to be afraid of gaining, we've struggled our whole life with weight. But the fact that you worry about it is good, it means you didn't get cocky. And if you do put a few pounds back on, you'll know what to do to lose it again.
Did you ever think maybe your meds aren't mixing well? That was my first thought. Some peolple have adverse reactions to meds, insted of what is supposed to happen. I know I took valium once (when my Dad was very sick and dying, and it actually made me jumpy instead of calm).

[qt82699]

have you seen your dr about the depression..and if you have maybe a readjustment of meds? sorry to hear you are having such a hard time, hope things get better for you!

[TamTamW]

Welcome to this wonderful site it is full of very wonderful people and it is also full of great information.
Sorry to hear that you have to undergo surgery again, I will keep you in my prayers. Also have you thought about that maybe you need a medication change, maybe your antidepressents are not working the right way on you anymore it would be worth checking into. I agree with Denise that you should give your kids the biggest hug the next time you see them, are you able to call and speak to them. I know I probably didn't help much but sometimes it is just knowing that someone is listening to what you have to say. Hope things will turn around for you soon.

[BOOTS]

I Suffered From Depression Many Years Ago And Can Relate A Bit On What You Are Going Thru. I Know How It Feels To Be In Such A Rutt And Deep Black Hole And You Just Cant Get Out! Maybe They Need To Adjust Your Depression Meds. Also Do You Have A Therapist You Talk To?

All I Can Say Is Try And Hang In There Because You Really Do Have So Much Going For You. Like You Said Your Pets, Kids And Dh Alone Are Worth It All!!! Just Remember Hun Baby Steps. One Thing I Did Learn While I Was In My Black Hole Was The Minute You Wake Up In The Morning Get Out Of Bed And Stay Out. It Will Only Make You Feel Worse.

Things Seem Bad Now But It Will Get Better It Sure Did For Me!!!!!!

[amina6ae]

well, well, well,

depression is an issue i've been dealing with also for the greater part of my life...

if you don't have a licensed psychologist/socail worker on board, the would where you should begin..
i know that pcp's are capable of prescribing meds for depression & often do without any problems, but meds are NOT the only treatment for this!!!

from my own experience, you must find someone you can get your feelings out, explain situations to, & guide you in the healing process... unless you utilize a combination of treatment regimens, this will be very difficult for you to cope with...

as far as your children, hun, i'm so sorry about the divorce, but you have to do what makes you happy.. its always difficult for kids duringg this time.
maybe they too can get into some counseling...
spend as much time as possible with them...
i find myself more depressed when i'm alone than when i'm busy.. so girl, KEEP BUSY!!!!!!!!!!

i hope all works out for you..

you've done a fabulous job on your weight loss journey, this is just a mountain that you must climb... you will find the opening at the end of the tunnel.......................

LOL,

[DocSanae]

(((((HUGS)))))
With everything piled up on you like that, no wonder you feel lost, scared and depressed.
It isn't easy to see the up side of losing weight and not letting your pain and disability cloud your horizons.

Try to tackle one thing at a time. Concentrate on coming out of the corrective surgery with one less thing to worry about for now. Don't dwell on the down side of needing the surgery, and fear furthur complications from that. There is one thing there that I concur with your surgeon, and that is removing the excess skin from your tummy. Since you have hernia, and your surgeon says that it should be removed to prevent future hernias, won't your insurance cover for the skin removal, since it can be documented as a medical neccessity? Also, you may fear removal, but it may help your back pain issue, too, the displaced skin does do a dance with your posture and balance, so the removal may turn out to be what you need. On the average, 10-15lbs are taken care of by this. Think of having a bag with 10-15lbs tied around your waistline, dangling in the front. That would be pretty heavy, and make your balance awkward. That may be what your present extra skin is doing to you.
Once your pain is more controllable, do you think you might be able to feel a tad better? If so, this may one thing to give a try.

I am sorry to hear of your children issue, it soo helps a mother to have support from her kids. Sorry to hear that their father seems to be the controlling type of person, and so has a great influence over your boys. At your boys age, they will identify with their male parent, so it can't be easy for you, especially in your situation. I'm no family nor child counsellor/specialist, but in this aspect, I think the only way you can go is to go slowly and exercise a lot of patience. Never change your attitude towards them, no matter what attitude they and their father takes. Being of a constant and steady attitude and opinions is what will eventually bring about complete trust. This does take a lot of hard work.

Last, as others say, the medication you need may need to be looked at, and revisied if necessary. Are these meds being prescribed by your PCP, your therapist/psychologist, or a psychiatrist? The way you describe your situation, I strongly recommend that you go to a psychiatrist, if you are not already being treated by one.

I am sorry that I can offer you no magical wand to make everything go away at once, but I can say, that if you are able to sort out your priorities, get what needs to be treated first--at this time your hernia--and keep your eye on the silver lining of the cloud, it will take time and patience, but you will be able to start enjoying the life you deserve again.
((((((HUGS))))))

[DocSanae]

to say one more thing.

Do not let others give you a guilt trip.
Do not let yourself give you a guilt trip.

You are pricelss and too precious as a person.
((((((HUGS)))))

[Christy0283]

I don't have any advice on depression, but just wanted to say that I am very proud of you for your weight loss accomplishment. That's huge and a great encouragement to me and others. I wish you the best on getting to feel better, and we're all here for you. I'm glad you came back and started posting again. You can find a lot of people who genuinely care on here.