Cleaning Up The Bird’s Nest
As we start awakening to life and become more aware of our surroundings, we may find that what we had created as a soft hiding place was in reality a tangled up bird’s nest. After weight loss surgery ‘the pounds having melted away’ we are free to focus on more than just our bodies and begin to look at our lives as a whole. Now able to see the reality of our world more clearly, we find that the life we had settled into was made up of mere scraps and pieces of relationships we had collected over the years.
Rather than having a trusted circle of friends and loved ones, many of us operated on a superficial plane, never letting anyone get close enough to see the ‘real’ us. Instead, we surrounded ourselves with people who helped us stay comfortably in denial by perpetuating unhealthy thinking and behavior. Like kitschy little country cottage pieces found at rummage sales, we tried to decorate this collection of emotional scraps to a point where we were almost proud to show others just how capable we were. Unfortunately, many of us found that we either lived with a twig poking us in the backside, or that our nest was easily tossed to the ground when the winds of life blew. Sadly, we even found some of our family members on the ground with the rest of the wreckage when the bits and pieces of our world were blown down.
Today, nearly eight years after gastric bypass surgery, I am learning new ways of building a life that is not easily blown apart - a life that my loved ones can trust. No longer do I settle for scraps of relationships as the foundation that I live on - I no longer accept unacceptable behavior, or allow people who have only their own selfish interests at heart to get too close. Likewise, I am more honest and open with those I do let into my world. The acknowledgment that I was going to have to find new ways of building and new tools to build with was the first step toward true progress. Although I am still a mere student, here are a few ‘truths of the trade’ that I have learned so far.
Stop trying to build from such lofty places
Many times I discovered that I was trying to build my life upon the highest perch I could find. Somewhere I had picked up a notion that higher was better. I could imagine myself waving at everyone way down below and shouting, “Hey look at me! Look how high I am!” I was so focused on the potential view that I didn’t pay attention to the crazy balancing act I was going to have to do to compensate for the lack of a solid foundation. I can recall far too many times that I found myself perched on the end of a tiny little limb “or a weak little lie” wondering, How in the world did I ever get here?
Out of a fear of not being accepted, we often try to convince people that we’re something we’re not - we claim to have a more prestigious job, more money, or more wisdom than we really do. To keep up the facade, we surround ourselves with people who can prop up our self-image. But, when the winds of life start to blow, the walls come tumbling down. I find today that although it may take longer to attain a higher altitude, I much prefer the security of starting from a solid foundation built upon a bedrock of truth. Honest hard work put into relationships, including with God and myself, are proving to withstand the seasonal storms.
Use quality materials
In the past, if I saw something bright or shiny, I would obsessively have to add it to the collection of bits and pieces that made up my bird’s nest. Whether it was a shiny new person, hobby, or diet, I just had to have it, and have it NOW. Today, instead of building my life on rushed decisions and the scraps of relationships formed with people around me, I find that if I invest the time and energy into seeking out only the highest quality spiritual, emotional and physical contents, I have a newfound strength that is unshakable.
Location, location, location
As a natural born chameleon, I know that the places and people I choose to build my new life around are crucially important. Our desire to “fit in” is a normal response to our basic need for communing with others. However, many of us have abused this instinct by settling for inappropriate playmates and unhealthy surroundings. No matter how unique you think you are, to some degree each one of us takes on characteristics of our environment. I often use a sports analogy as an example: If I want to be a football player, but I hang out in baseball dugouts, I will naturally start speaking in baseball terms, and dressing in baseball uniforms. Someone observing me for the first time would understandably assume that I was a baseball player, and have no idea of my desire to play football.
As someone who has a tiny pouch for a stomach, do I have any business putting myself in the line of the all-you-can-eat buffet? Imagine the emotional tug-of-war that would set off. To maintain a healthy post-op lifestyle, I need to choose new and safe places that don’t automatically wreak emotional havoc on me. Because many of us spent years placing ourselves in environments where overeating was the norm and surrounding ourselves with people who enabled our behavior, it may take some trial and error to know what is a “safe” environment or learn to draw new boundaries. But, remember that many of us have done the research already, so just ask.
These “truths of the trade” for learning how to build your new life to along with the new body you are working so hard for can be the first steps towards a peace and security that you haven’t felt in a long time. Instead of trying to convince yourself and others just how nice your flimsy bird’s nest is, I encourage you to start simplifying the entire process by learning to build your new life one solid brick at a time. By establishing that firm foundation, before long you will find yourself at new personal heights. You will be in a stable environment - a home that cannot be blown down by the winds of life, within which your loved ones are truly safe.
